Self-Observation on why I always want to rescue my mother

• I realize that this is one central theme in my life.
• I heard what it means in essence: I want to be rescued.
• When my mother is acting weak it immediately triggers me. Now I have awareness of it. I mean: When she is acting weak, I start to feel fear and anxiety.
• I feel shame when I get angry and do not want to do it. And then I go back and do it. 
• I am afraid that if I stopped doing this then she would not be able to cope.
• This is keeping me back from living my life the way I would really like. After all, I feel as if this is my job. I know it is weird but this is how I feel.
• I know that my mother would not want me to live a ‘muted’ life because of this feeling I have.
• I dream of a life where we don’t play this sick game and constant struggle with my mother. But rather a relationship where we can be honest and still have a loving relationship.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I don’t think that my mother does this consciously. I now think that she probably brought this with herself from her own family of origin.
• I realize that it is how our relationship is ‘set up’ in a way. She is the ‘weak one’ and I am the ‘strong one’. 
• Her, acting weak and I, acting strong (but anxious in the background) is the thing that keeps this thing going.
• Maybe a good idea is if I talk this over with her. Maybe she will understand and then we can change this part of our relationship together. If she does not, then at least I know. 
• Let’s face it: After all, it is my decision and it is my life that I need to take care of anyways.
• What helps me is that I know that I love her. 
• What also helps is that I realize that I cannot just blame my mother, I am also responsible for this. I let the game go on too and I want something out of it too.
• My mother feels my fear in the background certainly. Maybe if I could let this fear go then this wicked game would stop automatically. 
• I have to work more on this: If I stop ‘playing’ this, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. 
• Ok, here is the core of the problem as I understand it now: It is my fear of losing my safety that keeps this dynamic going: ‘If I don’t help her, something terrible will happen and she will not be there to save me. So I’d better save her.’ This has nothing to do with the love I feel for my mother. 
• I do this almost everywhere in my life. Though I don’t recognize it usually. And it comes in all shapes and forms from anger to people pleasing, to feeling weak and inferior, and so on.