"Your conflict avoidance might actually be self-abandonment — a child's strategy to stay safe. This may still be running your adult relationships."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I can’t do conflict. The moment someone’s upset with me, I just… fold. Say whatever they want to hear. My job becomes to find out what people want to hear.
Companion
What happens in your body when you sense that tension rising?
Seeker
My chest gets tight. And I clench my fists a little bit. Everything speeds up. And gets stuck at the same time. It’s like I need to fix it immediately or something terrible will happen.
Companion
Something terrible.
Seeker
I know it sounds dramatic. But that’s what it feels like — like if I don’t smooth things out right now, everything will fall apart.
Companion
When did you first learn that conflict was dangerous?
Seeker
It wasn’t dangerous. My parents just… they’d go cold. Silent treatment for days if you disagreed with them.
Companion
So conflict meant losing connection.
Seeker
Yeah. And I was really sensitive as a kid. I can’t handle feeling shut out like that. So I learned to just not have opinions that would upset anyone.
Companion
You’re using present tense — “I can’t handle.” Not “couldn’t.”
Seeker
I mean… I guess I’m still that kid when conflict happens. But I want to become who I am supposed to be. I mean I want to be “the real me”. This is keeping me small. I thought about this a lot.
Companion
What would happen if you stayed present during conflict instead of folding?
Seeker
They’d see I’m difficult. Selfish. That I’m not who they thought I was.
Companion
And then?
Seeker
Then they’d leave.
Companion
Who leaves when you fold?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
You abandon your own position the moment tension arises. Who’s doing the leaving?
Seeker
Oh. You mean I am leaving my own self! Before they can leave me.
Companion
Every single time.
Seeker
Fuck. I’ve been so focused on keeping people from abandoning me that I never noticed I abandon myself first. Constantly. This hurts.
Companion
What does that cost you?
Seeker
Everything. No one actually knows me. How could they? I disappear the moment there’s any friction. I show them this agreeable ghost instead of me.
Companion
The part of you that has boundaries, needs, opinions that might create tension — where does that part go?
Seeker
Nowhere. I don’t know. It just… freezes. Waits until it’s safe to come back. Which is never, because I’ve trained everyone that I don’t have edges.
Companion
So you’re living in permanent exile from yourself.
Seeker
To avoid exile from others. Except… I’m alone anyway. Just with company.
What parts of yourself do you exile to keep the peace?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.