"The hate we can't stop projecting onto others often points to the parts of ourselves we buried so deep we forgot they exist - the parts we decided early on would make us unlovable."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep seeing the worst in people. I hate it but I can’t stop. It’s like this automatic thing where I just see how selfish they are, how fake, how cruel. And then I hate them for it.
Guide
What specifically do you hate most when you see it in others?
Seeker
People who take up too much space. Who are too loud. Who think they’re more important than everyone else. Who manipulate to get what they want.
Guide
Tell me about someone specific who triggers this.
Seeker
My coworker. She interrupts everyone, makes everything about her. Acts sweet to the boss but treats assistants like servants. I can barely look at her.
Guide
How long have you been noticing these kinds of people?
Seeker
Forever. Since I was a kid probably. My mom used to point them out – “look at that woman, so full of herself.” We’d watch people and she’d tell me who was selfish, who was a user.
Guide
What kind of person did she teach you to be instead?
Seeker
Good. Considerate. Never taking more than my share. Never putting myself first.
Guide
Never putting yourself first. What happens inside you when you do want something just for yourself?
Seeker
I don’t really… I mean, I do want things. But not in a greedy way. Not like them.
Guide
What would make it greedy?
Seeker
If I didn’t think about how it affects others. If I just took it. That’s different from having normal wants.
Guide
You seem very careful to distinguish yourself from “them.” What would happen if you weren’t so different?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Guide
If you had some of what you hate in them – the selfishness, the taking up space. What then?
Seeker
I don’t though. That’s the point. I see it because I’m not like that.
Guide
Are you sure? Not even a trace?
Seeker
Why would I hate it so much if I was like that?
Guide
That’s an interesting question. Why would you?
Seeker
Hold on. Are you saying I hate it because…
Guide
What are you thinking?
Seeker
No. I hate it because it’s wrong. Because those people hurt others.
Guide
When you were young and your mom pointed out selfish people, what do you think she was teaching you?
Seeker
To not be like them. To be good.
Guide
And what happened to the parts of you that might have wanted to take up space? To put yourself first sometimes?
Seeker
I just didn’t develop those parts I guess. I learned better.
Guide
Learned better. Or learned to hide them?
Seeker
Fuck.
Guide
What just happened?
Seeker
I remembered something. When I was seven, I took the biggest piece of cake at my cousin’s party. My mom pulled me aside. She was so angry. Said I was being selfish like my aunt, that everyone was watching and thinking what a greedy child I was.
Guide
What did you do with your wanting after that?
Seeker
I guess I stopped. I mean I feel deep shame when I think of this memory.
Guide
And the part of you that wanted the biggest piece?
Seeker
It didn’t go away, did it?
Guide
Where do you think it went?
Seeker
Is that what I’m seeing in everyone else? My own greediness?
Guide
You tell me.
Seeker
But I’m not greedy. I’m not selfish. I’ve spent my whole life making sure.
Guide
What are you protecting by making so sure?
Seeker
I don’t want to be one of those people. The ones everyone secretly hates. The ones who… who no one really loves because they only love themselves.
Guide
So you split yourself. The acceptable parts stayed, the “selfish” parts had to go. But they didn’t disappear.
Seeker
They’re in everyone else. Oh god. I’m seeing my own shadow everywhere.
Guide
And you can’t take it back because…?
Seeker
Because then I’d have to admit I’m… that I have those parts. That I’m capable of being everything I hate.
Guide
Yes.
Seeker
I feel sick.
Guide
What would it mean to let those exiled parts back in?
Seeker
I don’t know. I don’t even know who I’d be.
What parts of yourself did you have to bury to become someone worth loving?
Where does this show up in your life?
Bring it as it is: a moment coming up, or the way it keeps returning. We find a step that fits how you want to live, and come back to how it went.
You make an account after Start. What you wrote is kept.
Or start from this question:
SelfChatter is a space for self-reflection, not therapy. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical or mental health condition. For medical advice, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.