"Sometimes we sabotage our success not because we fear it, but because succeeding feels like betraying those we love."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I do it every time. Right when things are about to work out, I find a way to mess it up. This week I had a huge opportunity at work, and I just didn’t prepare. Showed up unprepared and fumbled it.
Companion
What happened in your body when you realized things were about to work out?
Seeker
I don’t know. Tight, I guess. Like something bad was about to happen.
Companion
Bad how?
Seeker
That’s the thing — it makes no sense. Success should feel good. I’ve read about fear of success, imposter syndrome, all of it. I get it intellectually but I keep doing it anyway.
Companion
You’re explaining it. What if you just described what success actually feels like to you?
Seeker
Empty. Like I’m suddenly very alone.
Companion
When have you felt that before?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
That specific feeling — successful but alone. When was the first time?
Seeker
I got into this advanced program in middle school. And things started to work out on other fronts too. My parents were proud but I just couldn’t enjoy myself. And then what I remember is my father. He had his dreams of success. He didn’t talk much about them but we knew he wanted to become more successful. But it never happened. The better I did the worse it looked for him. We used to be close.
Companion
What happened to that closeness?
Seeker
It just went away. My mom spent all her time helping him, to keep him together. It was a lone and sad feeling to watch them struggle.
Companion
So success meant —
Seeker
Being left out. Shit. Success meant not being part of the family anymore. We were all in crisis together and then suddenly I wasn’t.
Companion
Are you still not part of it?
Seeker
My father died. My mom still rescues. I’m the one who sort of “made it” and I hate every family dinner because I don’t know how to talk about my life without making them feel bad.
Companion
What would happen if you really succeeded? Not just a little, but brilliantly?
Seeker
I’d lose them completely.
Companion
Is that true or is that the old promise?
Seeker
What promise?
Companion
The one that says you have to choose between success and belonging.
Seeker
But I did have to choose. That’s literally what happened.
Companion
When you were young. What about now?
Seeker
I don’t know. It feels the same. Every time I start to succeed I feel like I’m betraying them. Like I’m better than them.
Companion
Are you?
Seeker
No. But that’s what it feels like.
Companion
So you sabotage to stay loyal.
Seeker
Fuck. Yes. I screw up so I can stay in the struggle with them. So I don’t leave them behind.
Companion
What does that loyalty cost you?
Seeker
Choosing between my own life and another I cannot even describe. Not mine for sure.
Companion
And what does it give them?
Seeker
You’re right, nothing. They don’t even know I’m doing it. I’m just stuck. We’re all stuck together.
Companion
What if succeeding isn’t betrayal? What if it’s just you living your life?
Seeker
I can’t even imagine that. It’s like how can I be happy when they’re not?
Companion
Is anyone asking you to be unhappy?
Seeker
No.
Companion
But you made a promise. To stay small. To struggle. To belong.
Seeker
I don’t want to leave them behind.
Companion
What if you could succeed and love them both?
Seeker
I don’t know how.
Companion
That’s honest.
Seeker
This hurts to see.
Who are you staying small for, and what would they say if they knew?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.