"The pattern of losing yourself in relationships often traces back to an unconscious deal you made as a child: I'll disappear to keep you close."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep doing it again. I meet someone, and within weeks I can’t remember what I even liked before them. Their interests become mine. Their problems become my whole world. Then months later I wake up and don’t recognize myself.
Companion
What happens to your own wants when you’re with someone?
Seeker
They’re still there, I think. They just seem less important. Like, why would I insist on Thai food if they want Italian? It’s easier to just go along. And they feel better that way.
Companion
Is it just about food?
Seeker
No. It’s everything. The music I listen to changes. I stop seeing certain friends if they don’t like them. I even changed careers once because my ex thought consulting was soulless.
Companion
You changed careers for someone else’s opinion?
Seeker
Well, they had a point. And I wanted them to respect me.
Companion
What happened to what you wanted from your career?
Seeker
I don’t know. When they put it that way, what I wanted seemed… selfish? Shallow? I can’t explain it.
Companion
When you’re alone, do you know what you want?
Seeker
Yes. Completely. I have strong opinions, actually. Plans. Dreams. But when I’m with someone, it all becomes negotiable.
Companion
Not negotiable. Erasable.
Seeker
That’s harsh.
Companion
You said you don’t recognize yourself months later. Where does the person with strong opinions go?
Seeker
I’m still there. I just accommodate. Compromise.
Companion
You changed careers. That’s not compromise.
Seeker
Fine. You’re right. I disappear. Happy?
Companion
What are you angry about?
Seeker
I’m not angry. I just know what you’re trying to do. Make me see I have no boundaries or whatever. I’ve read the books.
Companion
But you’re still disappearing.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
When did you first learn to do this?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
This skill of reading what someone needs and becoming it. When did you develop it?
Seeker
I don’t know. I’ve always been this way.
Companion
Always?
Seeker
My mom was… she needed a lot. Not in a demanding way. She was just sad a lot. Overwhelmed. Very anxious. My dad did what he could. They talked a lot. Not many things could ease my mother’s anxiety.
Companion
What did she need from you?
Seeker
Company. Someone to talk to. Someone who calms her.
Companion
How old were you?
Seeker
Eight? Nine? It wasn’t bad. We were close.
Companion
What happened when you had your own needs?
Seeker
I had needs. She took care of me.
Companion
Emotional needs. Different opinions. Your own interests.
Seeker
Huh… I remember wanting to quit piano because I loved soccer. She’d played piano as a girl but had to stop. She never said I couldn’t quit, but I could see how happy it made her when I played.
Companion
So you kept playing.
Seeker
For six more years.
Companion
What else did you do for her happiness?
Seeker
Jesus. Everything? I listened to her problems. Agreed with her opinions about the family. Became interested in her books, her shows. In my dreams I always helped her. God, I even started hating my aunt because mom felt betrayed by her.
Companion
You became who she needed.
Seeker
I wanted her to be happy.
Companion
What would have happened if you’d been yourself instead?
Seeker
She would have been alone.
Companion
And you?
Seeker
I would have lost her. Not literally, but the connection. The specialness. I needed her. She needed me.
Companion
She needed someone. But not you. Not the real you.
Seeker
Fuck.
Companion
What are you seeing?
Seeker
I’m still doing it. Thirty years later, I’m still being what someone needs so they won’t be alone. So I won’t lose them.
Companion
Except now?
Seeker
Now I lose myself instead. Every time.
Companion
You learned that being yourself means being abandoned.
Seeker
But that’s not true.
Companion
The eight-year-old in you doesn’t know that.
Seeker
So what do I do?
Companion
What happens if you risk being yourself?
Seeker
They might leave.
Companion
And if they do?
Seeker
Then they never loved me anyway. They loved who I pretended to be.
Companion
Now what?
Seeker
I don’t know. Now I really feel abandoned.
Who would you be in your current relationship if you stopped trying to complete what's missing in them?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.