"There's a part of you that learned very early that being yourself wasn't safe. So you created someone more acceptable to show the world - and now you're terrified people will see through the performance."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I hate being the center of attention. Even good attention. Like when people compliment my work or want to celebrate me, I just want to disappear.
Companion
What happens when people really look at you?
Seeker
I get this feeling like they’re going to find out something. I don’t even know what. Just that they’ll see something wrong with me.
Companion
When they look at you, who are they seeing?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
Are they seeing you, or are they seeing who you’re being for them?
Seeker
I… huh. I guess I’m always kind of managing how I come across. Making sure I seem competent but not arrogant. Friendly but not needy. Put together but not perfect.
Companion
That’s a lot of calibrating.
Seeker
Yes. It’s exhausting actually.
Companion
What would happen if you stopped?
Seeker
People wouldn’t like me.
Companion
That came out fast. Like you know it for certain.
Seeker
I mean isn’t that just how it works? You have to be likeable.
Companion
When did you learn that?
Seeker
I don’t know. Always been that way.
Companion
Always?
Seeker
Yeah. Even as a kid. I remember being maybe seven or eight, coming home from school really excited about this project I did. My mom was on the phone. I kept trying to show her and she kept waving me away. Finally she covered the phone and said “Not everything is about you.”
Companion
What did you do with all that excitement?
Seeker
I went to my room.
Companion
And the next time you were excited about something?
Seeker
I probably kept it to myself. Or waited to see if someone asked. Waiting…all my life.
Companion
So you learned to dial yourself down. To be less.
Seeker
Not less. Just appropriate. Considerate.
Companion
What’s the difference between being considerate and hiding yourself?
Seeker
I’m not hiding. I just…
Companion
You just what?
Seeker
I guess I am hiding. Shit.
Companion
What are you hiding?
Seeker
The parts that are too much. Too excited. Too needy. I don’t know. Just too much.
Companion
When you imagine being seen – really seen – what is it people would see?
Seeker
Someone who wants things. Who gets disappointed. Who sometimes feels desperate for connection but pretends they don’t need anyone.
Companion
And that person is unacceptable?
Seeker
To me they are.
Companion
Not to others. To you.
Seeker
Yes. Yes, I can’t stand that person.
Companion
But that person is you.
Seeker
I know.
Companion
The real you. The one you’ve been protecting all this time by keeping them hidden.
Seeker
I’m going to cry.
Companion
What’s happening right now?
Seeker
I just have been performing for so long. And underneath I’m still that kid with the school project. Still too much.
Companion
What if you were never too much? What if you were just surrounded by people who couldn’t hold your fullness?
Seeker
I want to believe that but…
Companion
But?
Seeker
But what if I show up as myself and it happens again?
Companion
It might.
Seeker
That’s terrifying.
Companion
And what if it doesn’t? What if there are people who want to see your excitement, your needs, your fullness? Maybe not everybody, and maybe not the people who cannot stand your fullness.
Seeker
I wouldn’t even know how to do that anymore. Be myself I mean.
Companion
Maybe that’s where you start. Not knowing. Being seen not knowing.
Seeker
That’s even scarier somehow.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
But maybe… maybe that’s real. Finally.
What parts of yourself did you decide were too much before you even gave others the chance to receive them?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.