"When we wait for God to recognize our need like a parent who never came, we miss that connection requires our active reaching, not perfect performance."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’ve been meditating for years. Reading all the right books. Going on retreats. But I’m just stuck. Nothing’s happening anymore.
Companion
What kind of happening are you looking for?
Seeker
I don’t know. Connection, I guess. That feeling people talk about where God is actually there. Where you know you’re not alone. I had glimpses before, but now it’s just empty.
Companion
Empty. Mm. I know that territory. When you sit to meditate now, what’s it like?
Seeker
Like going through the motions. I sit there, do my breathing, try to open up, and nothing. Like shouting into a void.
Companion
You said “try to open up.” What does that look like for you?
Seeker
I make myself receptive. Clear my mind. Create space for whatever wants to come through. All the things you’re supposed to do.
Companion
There’s something about how you said that “whatever wants to come through”. Like you’re setting a table and waiting for a guest.
Seeker
Well, yeah. Isn’t that what you do? Make yourself available?
Companion
I used to think that way. Set everything up perfectly and wait. But I’m curious: In your regular life, when you want connection with someone, do you just wait for them to show up?
Seeker
No, obviously not. But this is different. This is God we’re talking about.
Companion
How is it different?
Seeker
Because… I don’t know. Because I can’t just call God up. Because if I’m doing everything right, shouldn’t something happen?
Companion
That phrase keeps coming up – “doing everything right.” Like there’s a formula.
Seeker
There has to be. Otherwise what’s the point of all these practices? Why does it work for everyone else?
Companion
Does it work for everyone else? Or is that what you imagine?
Seeker
I see people at retreats having these breakthrough experiences. Teachers talk about this constant connection. And I’m just sitting there like an idiot, waiting for something that never comes.
Companion
Waiting. You keep using that word.
Seeker
Because that’s what it is. I show up, I do my part, and then nothing. It’s like being stood up over and over.
Companion
Stood up. That’s strong language. Like someone promised to meet you.
Seeker
Not promised, exactly. But if you’re seeking God, shouldn’t God… I don’t know. Show up?
Companion
The way you’re talking about this reminds me of something, but I’m not sure I should say it.
Seeker
Just say it.
Companion
It sounds like waiting for a parent to notice you’re hurting.
Seeker
What? No, that’s… actually. Fuck. That’s exactly what it feels like.
Companion
Yes?
Seeker
My mom was always busy. Distracted. I’d do everything perfect – good grades, clean room, never cause trouble. Thinking if I was good enough, she’d finally see me. Really see me.
Companion
And did she?
Seeker
No. I mean, she loved me, but… no. Not the way I needed.
Companion
So you learned to be perfect and wait.
Seeker
Oh God. I’m doing the same thing with God? Setting everything up perfectly and waiting to be noticed.
Companion
What’s that like to see?
Seeker
Exhausting. I’m so tired of waiting. But I don’t know what else to do.
Companion
When you were little, waiting for your mom. Was there another option?
Seeker
No. I was a kid. What was I supposed to do, demand attention?
Companion
But you’re not a kid now.
Seeker
No. But I still don’t know how to. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
I guess I don’t know how to reach for God. Only how to wait for God to reach for me.
Companion
What would reaching look like, do you think?
Seeker
I have no idea. That’s the problem. All I know is this passive thing. This performing and hoping.
Companion
It’s a real bind. The very thing you learned to survive is now keeping you from what you want.
Seeker
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
What would change if you approached the divine like an equal participant rather than a child waiting to be chosen?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.