"When you reach a goal and feel nothing, it may be because the part of you that wanted it has been satisfied, and that part was not the whole of you. The emptiness is the rest of you, finally getting a word in."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I got the promotion. The one I’ve been working toward for three years. And I feel nothing. Actually worse than nothing. Flat.
Companion
Yeah. I’ve bumped into that one. Did you expect to feel something specific?
Seeker
Relief. Pride. Some version of “I made it.” Instead I came home and watched TV and felt like a fraud for not being happy.
Companion
Fraud is interesting. Like you owe somebody happiness for this?
Seeker
I don’t know. Maybe myself. I worked hard. I should be enjoying it.
Companion
Should is doing a lot of work in that sentence.
Seeker
Don’t do the therapy thing. I know what should means.
Companion
Fair. Sorry. Let me try again. When you imagine actually being happy about it, who’s watching?
Seeker
…what do you mean.
Companion
Like in the picture. The fantasy of arriving. Is anyone there?
Seeker
My dad, I guess. My old boss. Some version of me from five years ago.
Companion
Huh.
Seeker
That doesn’t mean anything. Everybody pictures people when they imagine succeeding.
Companion
Probably true. I’m not sure where I’m going with it. Just struck me that you listed three people and none of them were you-now.
Seeker
I should say something now I guess.
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
I think I picked this job because my dad would understand it. Like, he could explain it to his friends. That’s a weird thing to realize.
Companion
Is it true though, or are you just saying it because I poked at it?
Seeker
No. It’s true. I remember the moment I decided to go for it. I was on the phone with him.
Companion
Okay.
Seeker
But that’s not the whole story. I did want it. I wasn’t faking for three years.
Companion
I believe you. I don’t think it’s either-or. Some part of you wanted it. That part got what it wanted. Maybe it’s done now.
Seeker
And the rest of me is what, exactly?
Companion
I don’t know. That’s your question, not mine.
Seeker
That’s annoying.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what I want. I’ve never actually asked. I’ve been answering somebody else’s question this whole time and I got an A on it and now there’s no next question.
Companion
I should say something now I guess.
Seeker
I thought the empty feeling was depression. Or burnout. I keep trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
Companion
And now?
Seeker
Now I think the empty feeling is just… accurate. There isn’t anything there yet. I haven’t put anything there.
Companion
That sounds harder than depression, honestly.
Seeker
It is. At least depression has a name. This is just a room with nothing in it.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what to do with that.
Companion
I don’t think you do anything with it tonight.
Seeker
No. Probably not.
Whose question have you been answering with your life, and what would it cost you to stop?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.