"The guilt may not be about anything you did. It may be the sound of a self that learned early, that being okay was not allowed without paying for it."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I feel guilty all the time. Like, low-level, all day. I haven’t done anything wrong. I keep looking for the thing and there isn’t one.
Companion
Okay. So you’re searching for what it’s about and coming up empty.
Seeker
Right. And then I feel guilty about not finding it, which is insane.
Companion
I want to ask something before we go hunting. When does it spike? Like, what’s the worst time of day for it?
Seeker
Hmm. Mornings, sometimes. And weirdly, when I’m relaxing. If I sit down to watch something, it gets louder.
Companion
Huh.
Seeker
What?
Companion
I don’t know yet. Just, that’s not where I’d expect it. If guilt was about something you did, it would spike when you remembered the thing. Not when you sat down.
Seeker
Maybe I’m just avoiding the thing.
Companion
Maybe. That’s possible. But say more about the sitting down. What does the guilt say in that moment, if it had words?
Seeker
Like… you should be doing something. You’re not allowed to just be here.
Companion
Not allowed by who?
Seeker
I don’t know. Just, not allowed.
Companion
Okay.
Seeker
This is the part where you’re supposed to ask about my parents.
Companion
Ha. I mean, I’m curious, but you went there yourself, so.
Seeker
My mom was tired. A lot. She wasn’t mean. She just… I always knew she was running out. So I tried not to add to it.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
But that was thirty years ago. I’m not still doing that.
Companion
Yeah, I hear you. And, like, I’m not trying to put it on her. I’m just sitting with what you said. The guilt gets loud when you sit down. When you stop adding output to the world.
Seeker
…Yeah.
Companion
That’s interesting to me. Not in a gotcha way. Just, it’s a strange thing to feel guilty about. Sitting.
Seeker
When you say it like that it sounds stupid.
Companion
It doesn’t sound stupid. It sounds like the guilt isn’t actually about anything you did. It’s about something else.
Seeker
Like what?
Companion
I don’t know. You’d know better than me. What were you not allowed to do, growing up?
Seeker
…Need things, I guess. Take up space. Be a problem.
Companion
Well.
Seeker
So the guilt is, what, a tax I pay for existing.
Companion
I didn’t say that.
Seeker
No, but. Yeah. That’s what it feels like. If I’m not earning my keep every second, something inside me starts billing me.
Companion
That’s a sharp way to put it.
Seeker
It doesn’t make it go away.
Companion
No. I don’t think it does.
Seeker
I kind of wanted you to fix it.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
How are you doing right now, sitting with this?
Seeker
Tired. A little tired. But less crazy. It’s not that I’m doing something wrong. It’s that I’m not supposed to be okay without paying for it.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
That’s going to take a while to chew on.
Companion
Probably.
What were you taught, without anyone saying it, was the price of being okay?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.