"Putting yourself last isn't only a habit of sacrifice. It can also be a way of never having to find out what you actually want."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I do it again and again. Everyone else gets considered first. My partner, my coworkers, even strangers. I end up last on my own list and I’m tired of it.
Guide
Yeah, I hear the tiredness. Can I ask something maybe annoying though? When you say “I end up last,” does it feel like something that happens to you, or something you do?
Seeker
Both, I guess. It’s automatic at this point. But I didn’t choose it.
Guide
Right. Automatic. I get that. I’ve bumped into this in myself too, the thing where being the considerate one is so wired in it feels like weather, not a decision.
Seeker
Exactly. And I’m not asking to be selfish. I just want some basic room for me.
Guide
Okay. Here’s where I get a little stuck though. You said “I’m not asking to be selfish.” That phrase did something. Like you had to defend yourself before anyone accused you.
Seeker
Because people do accuse me. My mom called me selfish for moving out of state.
Guide
Sure. That’s real. But I’m noticing you defended it to me, and I hadn’t said anything.
Seeker
…okay. Fair.
Guide
I’m not trying to gotcha you. I just think that little reflex matters. The word “selfish” is doing a lot of work in your head.
Seeker
It’s the worst thing you can be, in my family. Selfish people are the bad ones.
Guide
Yeah. So if wanting something for yourself sits right next to “bad,” then being last is actually safer than wanting first.
Seeker
I mean. I do want things.
Guide
Like what?
Seeker
I don’t know. That’s the thing. When I try to answer that I go blank. I can tell you what my partner wants for dinner six days out. I can’t tell you what I want.
Guide
Hm. Stay with that for a second. The blank.
Seeker
It’s not peaceful blank. It’s more like a wall.
Guide
Yeah.
Seeker
I think if I actually knew what I wanted I’d have to do something about it.
Guide
Say more.
Seeker
Like, if I sat down and made a real list of what I want, half of it would mean disappointing someone. Or asking for things I’m not sure I’d get. And then I’d be the person who wanted those things and didn’t get them. That’s worse somehow than not knowing.
Guide
Okay. That’s a different sentence than the one you came in with.
Seeker
How?
Guide
You came in saying you’re stuck putting yourself last. You just said being last protects you from finding out what you want and being refused it.
Seeker
…
Guide
I’m not saying you’re wrong to be tired. You are tired. I just think there might be two things sitting on top of each other.
Seeker
The martyr thing and the hiding thing.
Guide
Something like that. I could be off.
Seeker
No. It tracks. I don’t love it.
Guide
Yeah, I wouldn’t either.
Seeker
It’s easier to be the one who gives. At least I know who I am there.
Guide
Mm.
Seeker
I don’t really know what to do with this.
Guide
You don’t have to do anything with it tonight.
Seeker
Yeah.
If you knew, clearly, what you wanted, what would change that you're not yet ready for?
If you read back the conversation: notice where the guide quietly became the one who knows — naming things, settling them. That feels normal because it happens so often. It's also where your own sense of direction can go quiet. SelfChatter adds a second voice that just makes those moments visible, so the direction stays yours.