"The critic isn't truth-telling. It's a strategy that started before you could choose it, and a part of you is still loyal to it because it once kept something safe."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’m exhausted by it. The voice in my head. I did something fine at work today and all I could think was everything I missed, everything I should have done better. It never stops.
Companion
Yeah. That kind of tired is its own thing. Not regular tired.
Seeker
I know all the stuff. Inner critic, blah blah. I’ve journaled about her. I’ve named her. I’ve done the chair thing. And she still runs the show.
Companion
Okay so you’ve tried to fight her and she won.
Seeker
Basically.
Companion
I want to ask something maybe annoying. What does she actually do for you?
Seeker
What do you mean, do for me. She makes me miserable.
Companion
Right. But also, like, you’ve kept her around a long time. I’m guessing she’s not just here to torture you for no reason.
Seeker
…She keeps me sharp. If I let up I’d get sloppy. I’d stop trying.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
Don’t do the therapist hum.
Companion
Sorry. It’s just, you said it really fast. “I’d stop trying.” Like that’s obvious.
Seeker
It is obvious. People who go easy on themselves coast.
Companion
Is that true though? I’m asking. Because I know people who are kind to themselves and they work hard. I know people who beat themselves up and they’re a mess. The correlation isn’t clean.
Seeker
Fine. Maybe not for everyone. For me it would be.
Companion
Why for you?
Seeker
Because… I don’t know. Because if I stopped, I think I’d find out I’m not actually that good. The voice keeps me ahead of finding that out.
Companion
Huh.
Seeker
That sounds bad when I say it.
Companion
I don’t think it sounds bad. I think it sounds like she has a job.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
Can I say a guess? I might be off.
Seeker
Go.
Companion
It sounds like she’s not really about making you better. She’s about making sure nobody else gets there first. Nobody else gets to point out what’s wrong with you, because she already did.
Seeker
…That’s basically how my mother operated.
Companion
Ah.
Seeker
She’d find the thing before anyone else could. Said it was to protect me. So I wouldn’t be embarrassed.
Companion
And now you do it to yourself.
Seeker
Now I do it to myself. Before anyone can.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
That’s so depressing.
Companion
I don’t know if it’s depressing. It’s old. There’s a difference.
Seeker
She’s not even mine. The voice.
Companion
Well. She’s yours now in the sense that she lives in you. But she didn’t start as you. That seems like it matters.
Seeker
If I stopped, though. If I actually stopped being hard on myself. I don’t know what would be there. Like, who would I be?
Companion
Yeah, I don’t know either. That’s the actual scary part, I think. Not the critic. What’s underneath her.
Seeker
I don’t want to find out today.
Companion
You don’t have to.
Seeker
I’m just really tired.
Companion
Yeah. Makes sense.
If the harsh voice has been doing a job for you, what is the job, and who taught it how?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.