"The fear is not of chaos arriving. It is of meeting the one inside you who was never allowed to not be in charge."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’m tired of being afraid of losing control. I see it everywhere. Driving, relationships, my own feelings. I tighten before anything can happen.
Companion
Yeah. That tightening is its own full-time job. What does it feel like you’re guarding against?
Seeker
Things falling apart. Me falling apart. Looking like an idiot. I don’t know, all of it.
Companion
Okay. I want to ask something and you can tell me it’s the wrong question. When you imagine actually losing control – really losing it – what’s the picture?
Seeker
I don’t have a picture. It’s more like a drop. Like the floor going.
Companion
Hm. And who’s there on the floor?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
After the floor goes. Who’s the person sitting there?
Seeker
Nobody useful. Someone crying, probably. Someone who can’t do anything.
Companion
Got it. That word “useful” caught me.
Seeker
Why?
Companion
I’m not sure yet. Something about you described the worst-case version of you and the disqualifier was that they’re not useful. Not that they’re in pain. Not that they’re scared. Just useless.
Seeker
Well, yeah. If I can’t function, what’s the point of me.
Companion
Right. That’s what I’m circling. I don’t think you’re afraid of losing control. I think you’re afraid of meeting that person.
Seeker
That feels too neat.
Companion
Fair. Push back.
Seeker
I mean, of course I don’t want to be the crying useless one. Nobody does. That’s not a deep insight, that’s just not wanting to suffer.
Companion
You’re right, that part isn’t deep. But you said something earlier. That you tighten before anything can happen. Before. Nothing is actually falling apart and you’re already bracing. That’s not avoiding suffering. That’s avoiding something else.
Seeker
…
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
I think I’ve been doing this since I was a kid. Like, the bracing.
Companion
Yes?
Seeker
My mom was… things were unpredictable. I figured out early that if I was on top of everything, it was less bad. I was the one who knew where things were. I held the schedule in my head. I was eight.
Companion
That’s a lot for eight.
Seeker
It worked, though. That’s the thing. It actually worked.
Companion
I believe you. It did work. It’s still working, in a way. You function. You’re articulate. You’re here.
Seeker
But.
Companion
I didn’t say but.
Seeker
I said but. The but is that I can’t stop. Even when nothing’s wrong. Especially when nothing’s wrong, actually. That’s when I get the worst.
Companion
Say more about that.
Seeker
When things are calm I start scanning for what’s going to break. Because something always does. So calm just means I haven’t found it yet.
Companion
So the controller doesn’t believe in calm.
Seeker
No. Calm is the setup.
Companion
And if you let it actually be calm — if you let the floor stay there — what would you have to feel?
Seeker
That I didn’t need to do all this. That the eight-year-old didn’t need to do all this.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t want to feel that. That’s worse than the bracing.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
Huh.
Companion
What.
Seeker
I came in here thinking the problem was that I can’t relax. The problem is I can’t afford to find out I didn’t have to do this.
Companion
Yeah. That’s a different problem.
Seeker
I’m so tired.
Companion
I know.
What would you have to feel if you discovered the bracing was never actually keeping you safe?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.