"You learned to apologize for your anger before you ever got to feel it. The shame arrives so fast it does the suppressing for you. And you call that staying good."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I get angry and then immediately I’m ashamed of it. Like the anger itself is proof I’m a bad person. I know it’s an old pattern. I know it’s probably about not being allowed to be angry as a kid.
Companion
You do know that. You said it cleanly. And the knowing hasn’t changed the shame, has it?
Seeker
No. I can name it perfectly and still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin the second I snap at someone.
Companion
Let’s slow down on the order of it. Anger comes. Then shame. How fast is the gap between them?
Seeker
There’s no gap. It’s instant.
Companion
So you never actually get to be angry. You get a flash of it and then the shame is already there cleaning it up.
Seeker
Yeah. I guess I never let it sit.
Companion
I’m curious about something and I might be off. When the shame rushes in that fast, it almost sounds like it’s doing a job. Like it’s there before the anger can do anything.
Seeker
Doing a job how?
Companion
I don’t know yet. What do you think the anger would do, if the shame didn’t get there first?
Seeker
It would come out. I’d say something I can’t take back. I’d be a person who’s just… angry.
Companion
And that person is who?
Seeker
Someone I don’t want to be. Someone who takes up too much room. My dad was like that.
Companion
So the shame keeps you from becoming him.
Seeker
That’s the point, yeah. So I need to figure out how to feel the anger without it turning into that. There’s got to be a healthy way to channel it.
Companion
Maybe. Or maybe you just stepped toward the anger being yours to have, and then turned it straight into a project. Channel it, manage it, do it right.
Seeker
Because I can’t just be angry.
Companion
I don’t know. Can you?
Seeker
No. Not without the shame deciding whether I’m allowed.
Companion
Whether you’re allowed. That’s the word that came out.
Seeker
I don’t like that.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
It’s like there’s a permission slip and I’ve never had it signed.
Companion
Notice you’re still standing here with that. You haven’t fixed it. You haven’t run.
Seeker
No. I’m just sitting in it.
If the shame stepped aside for one minute and the anger was simply yours to have, what would you let yourself want in that minute?
The question doesn't need solving now. If you want to keep it company, SelfChatter is where you can.