"What looks like distrust in life is sometimes distrust that anyone will catch you, learned by someone who was never once caught."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I asked Dana to handle one thing. One. Pick up the cake for my mum’s thing. And of course she forgot, and of course I ended up driving across town at 9pm. Every single time. Why do I even bother relying on anyone.
Guide
That’s a lot of “of course.” Sounds like you already knew before you asked.
Seeker
I did. I always know. That’s the thing, I never actually expect people to come through. So then why am I so angry when they don’t? It’s not like she surprised me.
Guide
You saying it out loud like that, that you already knew and asked anyway, that’s honest. Most people won’t admit they set the trap they then fall into.
Seeker
It’s not a trap. I just needed help. Is that not allowed?
Guide
It’s allowed. I’m not going to tell you Dana was fine, by the way, if that’s what you’re fishing for.
Seeker
I mean, wasn’t she a bit useless though? One task.
Guide
Maybe. I don’t know Dana. But you didn’t come here about Dana, you said it yourself, this is every single time.
Seeker
…Yeah. Okay. It’s not really about the cake.
Guide
What is it about, when it isn’t the cake?
Seeker
I don’t know. It’s like I can’t ever just, hand something off and forget about it. There’s always a part of me tracking it. Waiting for it to drop. Even when I ask, I’m already planning to catch it myself.
Guide
So the asking is a formality. You never actually let go of the thing.
Seeker
No. I don’t think I’ve let go of anything in my whole life. That sounds dramatic.
Guide
Say it anyway.
Seeker
When I was a kid there was just, no floor. My dad would say he’d be there and he wouldn’t. My mum was in bed for weeks. Someone had to keep it going and it was me, I was like nine. So I don’t, I never got to find out what it feels like to assume someone else has it. I just always assume they don’t.
Guide
And you’re right, in a way. Nobody had it, back then. You’re not wrong about that nine-year-old’s world.
Seeker
Right. So it’s not paranoia. Things really do fall.
Guide
Sometimes. But you’re still carrying it like everything falls, always, and only you can stop it. That’s the part that’s more about then than now.
Seeker
Okay but see, this is where I go, so it’s me. I’m the control freak. I don’t trust Dana with a cake because I have to run everything. It circles back to me being the problem.
Guide
That’s a fast turn. You went from carrying too much to being the problem in one move. Notice you did that.
Seeker
…I do that a lot.
Guide
It’s the same reflex. Something’s heavy, so grab it. Even the blame. That was you just catching the falling thing again.
Seeker
Huh. Yeah. Even that.
Guide
What would it actually feel like to put something down and not track it? Not the cake. Anything.
Seeker
I genuinely don’t know. I can’t picture it. My chest does this thing when I even try, like it braces.
Guide
You don’t have to picture it now.
Seeker
I keep thinking, if I stop watching, it all comes apart. But I don’t know if that’s true anymore, or if it’s just, the shape I got stuck. How would I even tell the difference?
If you have never once been allowed to set something down and trust it would hold, what part of you is still bracing for a fall that already happened?
If you read back the conversation: notice where the guide quietly became the one who knows — naming things, settling them. That feels normal because it happens so often. It's also where your own sense of direction can go quiet. SelfChatter adds a second voice that just makes those moments visible, so the direction stays yours.