"If you only feel real in a room when you're helping, the fading you do the rest of the time might be guarding something you've never tested."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
So I noticed something kind of funny. My friend called me last week just to talk, no crisis, nothing I could or should actually do, and I realized halfway through I’d basically checked out. Like I was there but not there. I do this a lot apparently.
Guide
When did you first clock that you had been gone?
Seeker
Good question.. When I couldn’t remember what she’d said. It’s not a big deal, I think I’m just bad at small talk. I’m better when there’s a problem to solve. Give me something broken and I’m fully present.
Guide
Say the difference. Present when there’s something broken. And when there isn’t?
Seeker
I don’t know, I just sort of recede. It’s fine. It’s efficient, even. Why sit there taking up her time if I’m not adding anything.
Guide
You said adding anything like it’s the entry fee.
Seeker
I mean, isn’t it? You don’t just show up and exist at people. That’s weird.
Guide
I’m not sure everyone thinks this way. I used to. Can you go back to the call? She’s fine, nothing needs fixing, she’s just talking. What happens in you right then?
Seeker
It’s like the floor drops. Not dramatic. More like I go quiet inside and there’s nothing coming up to say and then I’m just, gone. I start thinking about other stuff.
Guide
Nothing is coming up to say. That’s interesting, because there’s usually plenty to say to a friend who’s just talking.
Seeker
Not for me apparently. It’s like without a job I don’t know what I’m for in the conversation.
Guide
What are you for?
Seeker
Yeah. God. That’s a weird way to put it about a friendship, isn’t it.
Guide
It is. I don’t think you meant to say it that cleanly. When you’re helping, you know what you’re for. When you’re not, there’s no you standing there. That’s the part that drops out.
Seeker
I was going to say that’s dramatic but. No. I think that’s actually it. When she doesn’t need anything I sort of stop existing to myself. Like there’s no reason for me to be in the room.
Guide
Stay there a second. No reason for you to be in the room.
Seeker
I don’t like this. It sounds pathetic said out loud.
Guide
You went straight to pathetic.
Seeker
Fine, but it’s true, isn’t it? Who needs to be needed to feel like they’re allowed to be somewhere.
Guide
I’m not going to tell you if it’s fine or not. I’m more struck that you’ve never actually tried the other thing. Sitting in a room with someone with nothing to give and just stay.
Seeker
No. I’d bolt. Or I’d find something to do, get up, make tea, whatever. I’ve never just, been there empty-handed and seen if I’m still there.
Guide
What do you think you’d find?
Seeker
That’s the thing. I genuinely don’t know. And that scares me more than I want it to.
Guide
You don’t have to answer that tonight.
Seeker
I couldn’t if I wanted to. I don’t even know how to look for it.
When there is nothing you can do for the person in front of you, who is the one still sitting there, and have you ever let yourself find out?
If you read back the conversation: notice where the guide quietly became the one who knows — naming things, settling them. That feels normal because it happens so often. It's also where your own sense of direction can go quiet. SelfChatter adds a second voice that just makes those moments visible, so the direction stays yours.