"The people who break the rules might be holding two different things you've mixed up: the wreckage, and the freedom you never let yourself take."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
SeekerI already know what this is, so maybe you can just confirm it. I keep getting drawn to people who don’t follow the rules. My coworker Dev quit with no plan, told our manager exactly what he thought, walked out. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days. It’s obviously my suppressed side. The part of me that never gets to act freely.
GuideThat sounds about right on paper. But you came here anyway, so something’s not sitting closed.
SeekerI mean, that is the answer though. I was raised to be agreeable. So I admire people who aren’t. Textbook.
GuideOkay. Humor me. When you list the people who’ve done this, the ones you couldn’t stop thinking about, who are they?
SeekerDev. This guy in college who dropped out and disappeared. An ex who lied constantly and somehow always got away with it. A friend who blew up her marriage overnight.
GuideThose aren’t quite the same person, but there’s a flavor. Say more about the ex.
SeekerHe just did whatever he wanted. And aggressive in a way. No guilt. He’d cancel plans, ghost people, break promises, and never once looked back.
GuideAnd was the part that gripped you? The no guilt?
SeekerYeah. I’d be lying awake rehearsing an apology for something small and he’d just, not. Like the rules didn’t apply to him.
GuideI’m sitting here noticing all four of those people left a mess. The dropout, the ex, the friend. That’s not really freedom, is it? That sounds more like something driving them.
GuideI might have this wrong. But the people who fascinate you aren’t choosing things. They’re getting away from something. Blowing it up. That’s not free, that’s cornered.
SeekerThat’s different, that’s just, those are the ones I happened to meet.
GuideMaybe. It came out fast though.
SeekerBecause it’s not the same. Fine. When I actually picture what I want, it’s not blowing up my life. It’s saying no to my sister without an hour of dread after. It’s leaving a party when I want to leave.
GuideThat doesn’t sound like Dev at all.
GuideSo the thing you keep admiring and the thing you actually want might be two different things wearing the same coat.
SeekerThen why have I been watching the wrong people this whole time?
SeekerBecause if it’s just damage, then it’s not something I have to do. I can just watch it. Be fascinated and off the hook. If it’s actually a choice I could make, then, I don’t know.
GuideThen it’s yours and you haven’t been taking it.
SeekerI’ve been calling it freedom because it looked bigger than my life. But I don’t want to burn anything down. I just want to be allowed to want things without asking first.
GuideNobody’s going to give you that permission slip.
SeekerNo. And that’s worse actually. It’d be easier if the problem was out there. I keep wanting the version where someone else is brave and I get to feel it through them.
GuideWhat would it cost to stop watching?
SeekerI don’t even know. I’d have to find out what I’d choose if nobody was going to be upset with me. Yeah, I am just getting that it’s two different things. And I’ve never once let myself get to that question.
If the freedom you keep admiring in someone else stopped being reckless and became simply a choice that was yours to make, what is the first thing you would allow yourself to want?
What actually shiftedFascination with rule-breakers may be less about the people and more about an assertiveness that was never lived. For some, two things may get fused: reckless defiance that is really unhealed damage, and the plain freedom to choose and refuse. Admiring it from the audience can quietly keep the harder question, what would actually be chosen, off the table.
Keeping the direction yoursIf you read back the conversation: notice where the guide quietly became the one who knows — naming things, settling them. That feels normal because it happens so often. It's also where your own sense of direction can go quiet. SelfChatter adds a second voice that just makes those moments visible, so the direction stays yours.