"The explaining often starts before anyone has asked for a reason."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
ok so I already know the answer to this one, it’s people-pleasing. I’ve read like four articles just recently. I just want to know how to stop. is there a script or something lol?
Guide
There are scripts. I’m not sure one would help yet, because I don’t know what yours sounds like. Is there a recent one?
Seeker
Tuesday. My neighbor asked if I’d take her dog for ten days while she’s in Portugal. I said no. well. I said no in about two hundred words.
Guide
What were the two hundred words?
Seeker
That work is crazy right now, which is true. That my landlord is weird about pets, which is sort of true. And that I’m allergic, which is.. not true at all. I pet that dog every single morning lol.
Guide
One true, one sort of, one made up.
Seeker
When you line it up like that it sounds unhinged.
Guide
I’m only counting. What was going on while you typed it?
Seeker
Fast thumbs. like I had to get it all sent before she answered. I could see she was still in the thread and I didn’t want it just. hanging there.
Guide
Hanging there.
Seeker
Yeah. the no sitting there by itself. It’s like leaving the door open in winter. idk that’s dumb
Guide
It’s your picture. Door open. What comes in?
Seeker
I don’t know. Something like it’s not finished.
Guide
Okay. We can leave it not finished for now.
Guide
Here’s a guess, and throw it out if it’s wrong. Maybe the reasons are so she won’t think you’re selfish.
Seeker
Hm. Not really? She’s a neighbor, I don’t care that much what she thinks of me. It’s not her thinking stuff. It’s the bit before she says anything. The dots. I can’t stand the dots.
Guide
So not her opinion. The dots.
Seeker
Yeah. That’s worse somehow. If she wrote back “ugh fine” I’d be okay. It’s the not knowing yet.
Guide
Is it like that with everyone?
Seeker
Work, no. If I tell my manager I can’t do Saturday I just say it. but there’s like a policy, so. …my mom. oh god. I explain everything to my mom. I explain why I’m not explaining.
Guide
So with your manager a short no holds. With your neighbor and your mom, the dots get filled.
Seeker
honestly people should just accept a no without needing a TED talk. that’s on them.
Guide
Did your neighbor ask for one?
Seeker
…no. she didn’t ask for anything. she wrote “no worries!!” two exclamation points. after I’d already sent the allergy thing.
Guide
So the explaining was finished before she’d said a word.
Seeker
So it’s not her. ok. So it’s me. classic me, I make everything weird.
Guide
That’s a long way to go from one text about a dog.
Seeker
Ok. fair. What happened is I filled the dots. “I make everything weird” is the the extra part I stuck on after.
Guide
What does filling them get you?
Seeker
I don’t have to sit there. I’m done before she can be anything. Disappointed or whatever.
Guide
And what does it cost?
Seeker
I lied about being allergic to a dog I see every day, and now I have to remember that if she sees me petting him. lol. and. I guess she never really got to answer me. I kind of answered for her.
Guide
Mm.
Seeker
I don’t think I’ve ever sent a no and then just stopped. like put the phone down.
Guide
Never?
Seeker
not that I can think of. with my mom definitely never.
Seeker
maybe next time it’s something small. not mom. I send just the no and put my phone in the other room for ten minutes. see what the dots are actually like. I’ll probably hate it.
Guide
You might. I don’t know what’ll be in there either.
Think of the last time you said no to someone. Did the explaining start before they had responded, and what were you trying not to wait through?
Where does this show up in your life?
Bring it as it is: a moment coming up, or the way it keeps returning. We find a step that fits how you want to live, and come back to how it went.
You make an account after Start. What you wrote is kept.
Or start from this question:
SelfChatter is a space for self-reflection, not therapy. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical or mental health condition. For medical advice, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.