"What if the motivation you lost was never running on wanting in the first place?"
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
Okay, this is kind of a practical question. I have a spreadsheet. Tabs for running, the business, Spanish, savings. I’ve kept it since I was 26. For about four months I haven’t opened it. I know what I’m supposed to do and I just don’t.
Guide
Four months of not opening something you kept for twelve years. What happened four months ago? Or is that the wrong question?
Seeker
Not one thing. I’ve been meditating most mornings for over a year, reading a lot. I’d say I’m waking up, and I mean it, even if it sounds like a bumper sticker. Things feel more real. But my half marathon plan is stuck on week three and I’ve got a client backlog I keep pushing to Friday. So I need a new system, because the old ones run on something I don’t have anymore.
Guide
What did they run on? I don’t mean the system. The thing underneath that got you up at five.
Seeker
Discipline? I don’t know. I’d look at the tab, see I was behind, and go. Honestly I wonder if I’m just depressed and calling it awakening because it sounds nicer.
Guide
That’s worth taking seriously, and I’m not going to wave it off. When I lost my drive it wasn’t depression, but I’ve known people where it was. Is it flat everywhere? Food, sleep, people, things you like?
Seeker
No. That’s the weird part. I sleep fine. I had friends over Saturday and we stayed up laughing. It’s only the stuff on the spreadsheet that’s dead.
Guide
Huh. So the wanting isn’t gone. It’s gone from one particular list.
Seeker
Or maybe that’s the point. All the books say desire is ego. Maybe I’m supposed to stop wanting things, and this is what that feels like, and I should just accept it.
Guide
I tried that one for most of a year. I told myself not caring meant I was progressing. Mostly it made me quiet and a bit gray. I might be wrong about you, but I don’t think waking up means you stop wanting. My guess is the goals on that sheet were never really yours.
Seeker
No, that’s not right. Nobody made me. My parents didn’t care if I ran. I picked every single row.
Guide
Fair. I spoke too fast.
Seeker
I picked them. I just. When I picked them it felt like if I didn’t, I’d be someone who let herself go. Someone who coasts.
Guide
Someone who coasts.
Seeker
My aunt used to say that about my mom. “She coasts.” Not cruel exactly. Just a fact everyone agreed on.
Guide
So it’s not motivation you’re missing. It’s the fear of turning into her, and that fear was what powered all of it.
Seeker
Maybe. I don’t love that. It makes twelve years sound like running away from my mom.
Guide
It doesn’t cancel the twelve years. You still ran the miles. You still built a business. I’m only wondering what got quieter.
Seeker
Being behind, I think. It used to feel like an alarm. Now I look at “week three” and it’s just a word. It’s not scary. Which is why it’s not working.
Guide
That’s about as exact as anyone could put it. Not that you stopped caring. The alarm stopped.
Seeker
So what am I supposed to run on, then?
Guide
I don’t know. I’m not sure there’s a replacement fuel you pour in. Is there anything you’ve been doing lately that nobody’s tracking?
Seeker
Not really. Well. I’ve been going to the community garden after work. I have a plot. I stay until it’s dark. But that’s not a goal, that’s just puttering.
Guide
You stay until it’s dark.
Seeker
Yeah. I forget my phone exists. Last week I rebuilt the whole tomato bed because the drainage was bad. Took three evenings. Nobody asked me to.
Guide
I think you just heard yourself say something.
Seeker
Don’t. If I start calling the garden my true calling, I’ll just make another tab for it.
Guide
Okay. I’ll leave it alone.
Seeker
I’m still doing the backlog tomorrow. People need their quarterlies. But three evenings, and I never once had to make myself go. Is that what wanting is supposed to feel like? Just kind of quiet?
What have you done lately that nobody, including you, had to make you do?
Where does this show up in your life?
Bring it as it is: a moment coming up, or the way it keeps returning. We find a step that fits how you want to live, and come back to how it went.
You make an account after Start. What you wrote is kept.
Or start from this question:
SelfChatter is a space for self-reflection, not therapy. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical or mental health condition. For medical advice, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.