The realization

What makes self-observation work is the realization of how valuable it is.

Valuing something starts with seeing what that thing really is, its essence. When one starts to see the essence of something, then one can value it based on one’s own mindset and values. This post can only assist with the former: Describe some qualities of self-observation. It cannot assist and does not want to interfere with the latter.

Only when you take in how valuable self-observation is will it start to truly work for you. It is a personal experience, in its deepest sense.

Below, I bring two qualities as my own personal attempts to describe the value of self-observation.

It is unique

It is genuinely unique that a form of life recognizes its own existence and thus is able to look at its own self. Humankind has this ability. Some other animals have it to some degree, but not comparable to our abilities. Today, we don’t know of other forms of life or other forms of existence on our planet or anywhere else that possess this ability. Some say that this ability is a product of nature’s experimentation. Others say that it was meant to happen. Uniqueness here refers to its unmatched function — nothing else in nature does anything close. It is not merely the fact that we may be the only ones who possess it.

We have unmatched potential through it

Let me have the luxury to put this simply and not be politically or scientifically correct: How do you otherwise have the ability, or at least a viable chance to change towards where you want to go? How can somebody have a conscious choice, an act of conscious change (or maybe change at all) without the ability to look and understand their own self? My experience is that people can answer this question, and certainly according to their values.

The paradox of the self and the mirror

The reason why many people do not see what tool they possess (I didn’t) is because of something else:  Self-awareness and the ability to observe one’s self is so much our given nature that we have a hard time seeing that this is our most potent tool for progress. We need to value a tool with the use of that very tool, while that tool is so much our nature that we are the tool itself.

Let’s do this thought experiment: Imagine that you don’t know you exist as a separate being. In other words, you don’t have self-awareness. Imagine that you go and look in the mirror. You will not know that you are seeing your own self. Now imagine that something happens, you may react, and now imagine that you simply do not have the capacity to look at your own self in relation to that event that happened. Let alone have a conscious choice. The reality is that we do have a self and we do have a mirror (the capacity for self-observation). But many times we use the mirror only to fix our hair.

The mindset that follows

You will have realizations about your own uniqueness. If you haven’t yet, you will realize the importance of the life you live. Most of us struggle to accept our own value. Don’t be surprised if your self starts to work on it more. You will inevitably reach the stage where you stop valuing yourself in relation to external expectations. Be willing to go further than you ever imagined as your life deepens.

Your mind, your thinking will be more comfortable with paradoxes. As your self-observation deepens, so will your acceptance for what reality is. You will look at yourself more broadly and that will have an integrative effect on you.

You will be clearer in how you develop your values and logic. Your deepening self-observation will lead you to question your values and beliefs. You will value your ability to consciously form and change your values more than any particular value you hold. Your heightened internal clarity will drive clearer choices.

You will start to value the spirit behind things more than before. Put another way: you will prioritize your instinct over your mechanical, conceptual thinking. This is what we call magic, especially in our overengineered world. We are taught to be technocrats even with such human qualities and practices as self-awareness and self-observation. It is not about understanding it with some mechanical logic or seeing what personal benefit it can bring. While techniques and methods can be valuable (and this post ‘How self-observation works’ somewhat touches on those), they aren’t any substitutes for deep realizations.

Note that this is a somewhat different self-inquiry from the others, as some parts have been left out. You will probably catch where.

Self-inquiry on why I feel lonely

• (More importantly, why can I just not get out of my loneliness?)

• Obviously, I feel lonely because I am abandoned.

• I know and feel that my problem is abandonment, but still, I am not over it.

• It is a dead end this way. There must be something more to it.

• After a lot of self-reflection and inquiry, this is what I got to: My problem is that I feel betrayed.

• I gave everything into the relationship, and the other person betrayed me by not taking our relationship seriously.

• This is a morality issue for me.

• And this is beyond the two of us.

• How can we, humans, have this capacity to betray one another? I am not talking about carelessness. I am talking about outright ignorance.

• This is what my morality cannot digest at the moment, and this is the reason why I cannot get out of my loneliness.

Self-observation on why I don’t want to work anymore. This is what I feel when I think of my job.

• Leave me alone with all this bullshit!
• Don’t force such nonsense on me!
• Stop passively or actively shame or bully me! Don’t you know better? I do. I want to be a sensible person also at my job. 
• Don’t scare me?
• Don’t knowingly manipulate me into things I don’t want to do. 
• Of course I don’t like my job anymore; It is a toxic place.
• I understand that this exercise I am doing is less about self reflection but I know that this is right. 
• The big realization for me is that I know I am right. This is the key for me here.
• I understand that some are also projections of mine but actually they are also correct. 
• I know that most workplaces are like that. But again; I don’t care. It doesn’t change that I don’t want to be in such environments. It appears that I grew out of it.

Self-observation on why people are mean to me

• I am mean to people too. I hate this recognition but it is true.
• I have been working on this exercise for a while and for quite some time all my self-reflection was around the above recognition that I am at least as rude and sometimes more than those I find rude. Until recently, when things took some meaningful turns. Here are the outcomes of my self-reflections after.
• Yes, I am rude to people. It is sad for me to recognize this.
• I get rude to people when I get triggered. 
• Almost anything can trigger me. I am in such a state of irritation that the slightest thing can trigger me. 
• It is interesting to realize that deep down I still find that I have some righteousness with my anger. Yes, I overreact, yes, I can be a jerk; but still. It isn’t coming out of nowhere.
• The feeling I have is anger. 
• I am happy I learnt before that anger is a normal, healthy reaction to some kind of intrusion.
• Bang! Such a change in how I understand myself. All the time I was thinking that I was facing my shadow by seeing that I am also a mean and aggressive person. 
• The reason why I get triggered and become mean is because I feel my boundaries are overstepped. This causes my aggression. 
• What have those intrusions been in my case? Contempt, judgement, shaming, and probably most importantly, the simple ignorance to my limits.
• My and others’ “mean” behavior has a different light to it.

Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.  

Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

• I always fall back.
• I always question myself. I become anxious. 
• I am just afraid I will screw it up.
• This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
• Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
• Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
• I don’t dare to confront.

• I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
• And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
• Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
• I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
• This works! I need to find what causes it. 
• What is the real root cause?
• Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
• …
• It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
• This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
• This sounds strange but it is true.
• In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
• I am afraid of what others will say. 
• When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.

Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me

• I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
• Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
• Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong. 
• I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior. 
• I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
• I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
• I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
• Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help. 
• Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
• Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist. 
• I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
• My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all. 
• Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.

• I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding. 
• I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation. 
• I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
• No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this. 
• Who has to do the first step? God or me?
• This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic. 
• Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.  
• I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually. 

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-Observation on my anxiety

• I am in a constant state of mild panic.
• I am tired.
• I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
• When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
• I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
• I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
• The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
• It feels as if it will never end.
• I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

• My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
• I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
• Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
• I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
• Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
• Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
• If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
• Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious.