Yes. The extraordinary changes we are going through are the effects of this.

On the outside, we see a breakdown of structures, loss of trust, confusion, anger, and aggression rising.

Inside, we are going through positive, profound, painful changes. We are getting fed up chasing material things. We are letting go of our victim consciousness. We are becoming more independent mentally and emotionally. We are letting go of our traumas. We are finding our way back to a natural and humane way of living. Just to name a few of the changes.

This shift we are experiencing is not just the usual ending of material cycles. This is different now.
The key difference, I believe, is that in previous endings, we were still in a state of mind that still wanted dependence, and so we still went back into dependent states of mind. The difference now is that we are stepping into a next phase, which is about becoming independent and separate (did you ever wonder why systems are separating and not merging currently?). This drive for separateness and independence may sound awkward at first as we all seek unity. Yes, the ‘final’ phase is that, but before that, we need to let go of dependencies and become independent. These stages are nothing new on Planet Earth; look at the phases of mitosis, for instance.

If you went to a relationship counselor with this: “My relationship got into crisis. These are the things that are happening lately: …What do you think? Shall I leave my relationship?” And if that relationship counselor said something like this: “First of all, I would like to congratulate you! You have entered the next step in your relationship.” Then you would know that you are speaking with a good counselor.

The cause of a relationship crisis

Development Trauma

The development of the Self is in stages. And those stages can get stuck, “blocked”. These “blocks” form due to what is called Development Trauma. Most of us suffer from some form of Development Trauma in early childhood (a staggering ~98% of humanity) that we unknowingly carry into adulthood. 

Your Self wants to “overcome” your Development Trauma(s) and one of the ways we, humans try to do it is to revisit it – which is all cool because by revisiting it, we create an opportunity to process it, rewire it, and eventually move on. 

Developmental Trauma is relationship trauma and what we do in our relationships is that we “replay” those trauma(s). (If you ever wondered why your relationship problems keep coming back and feel ‘familiar’ …- you can connect the dots.)

)I could go much deeper into Developmental Trauma but it is far beyond the scope of this article and my goal here is to point out its relationship to our present relationship problems. If you want to go one step further into understanding more about Developmental Trauma in your life, you can visit the My Past page here on Self Chatter.)

Self-development

I think that there is another thing that can cause a relationship to end and it is important to mention here: I have seen relationships end because one person had developed further and the other hadn’t. So the one who did doesn’t get what she/he is looking for anymore. This is natural that in such a case the relationship can end.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that it necessarily will happen. Nevertheless, it is kind of strange when one develops further and still doesn’t leave or does something with the relationship.   

Shall I leave?

A pretty easy logic down here.

• If your partner is willing to do the work together with you to overcome your personal relationship traumas: definitely try to stay! This is a golden opportunity for self-development and to have the relationship of your life. 
• If your partner is not willing to do the above work (but you are): Probably leave.
• If your partner is abusing you physically, emotionally, or in another way: Leave!
  • If you know that you are abused and the other doesn’t: Stop hoping that your partner will change.
  • If you are unable to leave because you are so much bonded to this other person then work on your Self so that you can end this trauma bond.
  • If you are not sure what is happening or if you are not sure whether you are in danger: Seek professional outside help immediately! 
• If you have not yet wrapped your head around it: Try to stay and work on your Self.

Self Chatter is about going into a higher level of consciousness and for the majority of us, relationship problems are the biggest blocks in front of it. 

The cause behind the great resignation (which is pretty much the same thing as what is referred to as quiet quitting) is a mental and emotional shift. And it is a positive and good thing. It surprised many people, and the ‘professionals’ and ‘statisticians’ are coming up with all kinds of mechanical explanations, instead of looking at the mindset change that caused it.

The trigger

The combination of the Pandemic and lockdowns coming with it has been a near-perfect trigger.

The Pandemic

The Pandemic has been a shock to most of us – I really do mean a mental and emotional shock. Shock usually makes us anxious, confused, etc., but what is important to see is that it creates a ‘short circuit’. Also, this shock has happened on a collective level and on a mass scale.

The lockdown

I find that – among many other things – the lockdowns caused a reset to our personal lives. What happened was that we got removed from our everyday life. And we did not get into a familiar situation that we are used to – i.e. “work all day as before”, “socialize the same way as before”, “get busy filling your day with stuff and activities as before”. 

But instead, we got forced into doing nothing. We were given a “blank sheet of paper”. (Ask a meditation expert what miracles you can expect when you “do nothing”.)

The outcome

The combination of personal and collective shock, coupled with a halt to our “everyday life” triggered a lot of people to rethink their lives. A mindset change happened. More precisely the mindset has been there for quite some time but could not come to the surface. What was this mindset change? In one sentence: “Enough of the toxic, inhuman, dysfunctional, hustle-culture workplace that disconnects me from my own Self!”

It doesn’t matter if it was consciously or unconsciously done, it doesn’t matter if it was “forced” or done unwillingly, and it is also ok that there is fear and anxiety around it. It happened. 

And I find that the outcome has been truly positive and life-giving. I must leave the rest of the thoughts and personal opinions around it to the reader, to you.

Conspiracy theory

There are a lot of talks that the Pandemic and the lockdowns are a part of an organized effort to control and suppress the human race. If this is the case then the Great Resignation has been a blow to this effort. (Well, not the Great Resignation, because that is the effect, but the cause of it.)

Writing a personal diary is one of the most effective tools for anyone seeking more self-awareness, a more organized, and happier life. 

Below, I am offering a twist, a different approach to writing a personal diary. I believe the approach, tips, and ideas below can make a huge difference. 

The goal

The goal of this type of personal diary is to consciously help your own self to become more self-aware and understand yourself better.

The ‘thing’ to do

You will want to write down 

• Your questions about your own self, behavior, challenges, struggles – to yourself. And your inner dialogue, self-reflections about these.
• Your recognitions of yourself.
• Your wins and positive changes.

Tips

Use basic wording and short sentences 

This may sound controversial, and I am not saying that this is the only way at all. We are all different, and certainly do what works best for you. Anyway, here is why I think this can be very effective:

• It forces you to “cook” your thoughts.
• It helps to concentrate.
• You can be quick. 

Consider using a physical paper diary

• This way it is not your phone that you grab for – You enter your own world, different from that bloody phone for a while. Having a dedicated tool only for this purpose helps you get into the right mindset. 

Always keep your diary with you

• Consider using a small diary that can maybe even fit in your pocket.
• When I don’t have my diary with me, I just simply use my phone. 

Grab it quickly when the recognition comes

• Don’t wait! Recognition comes quickly and goes quickly. Use your diary to grab the moment.
• You may never even read what you wrote down again, but the act of writing it down helps it to go deeper.

Your diary is yours, no one else’s

• Don’t show it to anyone. Don’t tell anyone that you have one.
• You will be surprised how much you will enjoy having your own secrets.

Results you can expect

• The act of writing them down and not ‘just thinking of them once’ makes your recognitions much more conscious. Expect more clarity, more depth, more dots connected.
• You will have your personal method that will give a conscious frame to your inner work. 

I refuse to be afraid because I know I am okay!

I refuse to be afraid, and I don’t let others pass on their own fear to me.

I refuse to be afraid, and I don’t let people bully me!

I refuse to be afraid because I am getting better and better at finding out when there is real danger.

I refuse to be afraid and do not let some people manipulate me!

I refuse to be afraid because I know that it’s a dirty trick how some people want to control my life!

I refuse to be afraid because I am freaking fed up with it!

I refuse to be afraid because I have consciously chosen a different path in my life.

I refuse to be afraid and choose relationships based on other dynamics.

I refuse to be afraid, and people will treat me differently.

I refuse to be afraid because I am entering a new chapter in my life where constant fear is not needed anymore. 

I refuse to be afraid and surround myself with people who accept me.

I refuse to be afraid because I dare to face my fears.

I refuse to be afraid and take care of my mental, emotional, and physical health.

I refuse to be afraid because it feels fantastic to be brave!

I refuse to be afraid and encourage others to do the same.

I refuse to be afraid because I am learning more ways to calm myself and go back to normal.

I refuse to be afraid because my consciousness is growing.

I refuse to be afraid, and I am constantly flushing it out of my nervous system and thought patterns.

I refuse to be afraid because I know that there are a lot of other people who are like me.

I refuse to be afraid, and I know that my bravery is not arrogance.

The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way is about deeply understanding my own self.

There is zero greatness to this post, no big revelations. It’s just that the subject is important, and there is a chance you will become more effective with your inner work. 

The method

Phrasing it

It sounds obvious, but you have to phrase it to name it. Otherwise, you run the risk of just endlessly ‘walking in a mist’. This is much more important than it looks, because it is so easy to be unconscious when we are in a conflict, a great deal of anxiety, or stress. Tell yourself to phrase your problem when it appears.

Why basic?

When you are basic it is a sign that you have gone deep. Your Self is basic. In the best way possible.

Why short?

Your true self hardly phrases thoughts and emotions in 30-word sentences. When your phrasing is short enough, it usually means that you have cooked it well.

Resonate

Go with what resonates with you. Your thought about your problem is only yours; no one else needs to understand it. And no one else needs to resonate with it. What matters is that it is true to you.

Change it as your understanding develops

It is a very good sign if you change it. It means that you are deepening your understanding. And you may change it back to a previous one; and that is all okay too.  

Have discipline

Phrasing your problems in a short and basic way will actually help in having discipline. It is less energy up front, and gives enough punch to get to the next step. 

An example

“Why don’t I get what I want?”

• It is short.
• It is basic.
• (It does resonate with me. There is much more to it for me than what meets the eye.)

Did you ever consciously or unconsciously ask yourself these questions? Why don’t I fit in the world around me? Why do I feel like an outsider? Is there something wrong with me that I am not able to ‘feel good’ like others?  

Good news number one

There are far far more people who feel this way than most of us think. (And they pretty much do the same thing: Try to hide that they don’t fit in.)

Good news number two 

What do I exactly not fit into? A sick environment? Good!!

So not fitting may actually be a strong sign that I am healthy in mind.

I have been thinking quite some why this matter is actually so painful. Here is a work-in-progress list of thoughts.

We are social beings and we want to belong. 

Be it our family of origin, our workplace, country, and so on – most of the people I talk with on this (and who have thought it over to some degree) agree that they see the same level of dysfunctionality in all of those environments.  So we are left with this seemingly intractable conflict that we don’t want to leave the environments we found ourselves in but we are suffering in it.

Shame

We can very easily feel shame and think that there is something wrong with us when we see that many people behave and think very differently from us. 

Sadness

It is sad to realize that some people are so unconscious that this thought of not fitting in doesn’t even come close to them in their lives. I know it sounds opinionated and I understand that it is probably my problem that I would like to ‘save’ people. Nevertheless it is there and I hear other people have a hard time with this too.

Spiritual bankruptcy and depression

(The term is not mine and I read it first when I read about shame but it may belong here too.) We come to this world with full of potential, with an open heart and benevolent intentions and it seems as if the more we are open the more we seem to get robbed. 

Any way out?

I admit this is a tricky question and I am using it to provoke myself a bit further. 

So how do I – WE – find our way out? 

I think that we found the way out. Right the minute when we became conscious that we do not fit in. I take that as good news number three. The problem is not with us.

(There could be so many other things that we could talk about when we think about why we do not fit in. Like how the social systems we built are a mirror of humanity’s thought patterns and how we could change them; Or what coping mechanisms people use to compensate this. Maybe later, or in a separate post. Nevertheless one thing I trust we can all agree on: Any form of aggression is nor an acceptable, neither a proper ‘coping mechanism’.)

Let me talk about the “strange” ideas first. I have thoughts like “I will only be happy when I get rich.”, “I must be super sexy and then I will be happy.”, “Happiness is all about self-confidence. And I don’t have enough of it.”
I realize that the problem is that I am “conditioned” to comply. How is it possible? Why would I let it happen?

This is one key to understanding: I am taught to think that there is something wrong with me and I don’t have enough of good things – I could summarize my general state of mind with this belief: I need something.

One other possible key to understanding: Ok, I get it that I am conditioned to think that “I need more”. Now that I know, how is possible that I cannot change this belief of mine? It doesn’t seem to make sense and looks like an unsolvable paradox. One probable answer: Hidden trauma. Trauma works in a way that it blocks the thoughts, emotions, and ultimately the mind to make sense of what happened and it creates logic (thoughts) as a defense mechanism – in this case: “I need something to overcome my lack.” (“Look how happy the other person is by having a brand new car. This will be the solution”).

I want to think differently about this.

I want to realize that happiness for me is much more about being a person in balance, seeing my rich inner world, being able to let my True Self guide me, working on having healthy relationships with others, and so on.

Actually, I don’t need to tell myself what I want this way. It sounds a bit like some kind of order to myself and another cliche. Rather my job is to find out what is causing my painful feelings, what is blocking me. Once this part gets better my ideas for a happier life will unfold naturally.