Seeker: Nothing means anything anymore. I go through the motions but it all feels… pointless.

Companion: When you say “nothing means anything” — what kind of things used to feel meaningful?

Seeker: My work, mostly. Building things, achieving goals. Being good at what I do. Now I hit every milestone and feel nothing. Actually less than nothing — like I’m wasting my life. Things I did gave me a strong sense of purpose before. I was happy.

Companion: What happens when you hit those milestones?

Seeker: I post about it. People congratulate me. Then I move on to the next thing. It’s like eating cardboard.

Companion: You post about it. For who?

Seeker: I don’t know. Everyone? No one? It’s what you do. You achieve something, you share it. Otherwise did it even happen?

Companion: I’m curious — if you couldn’t tell anyone about your achievements, would you still pursue them?

Seeker: Hah. Probably not most of them. That sounds terrible to admit.

Companion: What would you do instead?

Seeker: I honestly don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been so focused on doing meaningful things that I don’t even know what I actually… want.

Companion: “Doing meaningful things.” Meaningful to who?

Seeker: To society? My parents? I was always the achiever. The one who was going to do important things. Make a difference. All that.

Companion: And now you’re doing those important things.

Seeker: Yeah. And they feel completely hollow. Like I’m performing in a play I didn’t audition for.

Companion: What would happen if you stopped performing?

Seeker: I’d probably disappear. No one would know what to do with me. I wouldn’t know what to do with me.

Companion: You said earlier that you feel like you’re wasting your life. What if the waste is the performance itself?

Seeker: You mean what if I’m wasting my life doing things that look meaningful instead of… wait. Instead of finding out what actually matters to me?

Companion: What actually does matter to you?

Seeker: I don’t know. That’s terrifying. I’m 35 and I don’t know what matters to me. Just what I’ve been told should matter.

Companion: The emptiness you’re feeling — what if it’s not a problem? What if it’s your real self saying no to borrowed meanings?

Seeker: So I’m not broken? I’m just done pretending things matter when they don’t?

Companion: What do you think?

Seeker: I think I’ve been living someone else’s definition of meaningful. And maybe the emptiness is just the space where my own meaning would go. If I knew what that was.

Companion: And if you don’t know yet?

Seeker: Then I guess I’d have to find out. Without performing it for anyone. That’s… I don’t even know how to do that.

The realization

What makes self-observation work is the realization of how valuable it is.

Valuing something starts with seeing what that thing really is, its essence. When one starts to see the essence of something, then one can value it based on one’s own mindset and values. This post can only assist with the former: Describe some qualities of self-observation. It cannot assist and does not want to interfere with the latter.

Only when you take in how valuable self-observation is will it start to truly work for you. It is a personal experience, in its deepest sense.

Below, I bring two qualities as my own personal attempts to describe the value of self-observation.

It is unique

It is genuinely unique that a form of life recognizes its own existence and thus is able to look at its own self. Humankind has this ability. Some other animals have it to some degree, but not comparable to our abilities. Today, we don’t know of other forms of life or other forms of existence on our planet or anywhere else that possess this ability. Some say that this ability is a product of nature’s experimentation. Others say that it was meant to happen. Uniqueness here refers to its unmatched function — nothing else in nature does anything close. It is not merely the fact that we may be the only ones who possess it.

We have unmatched potential through it

Let me have the luxury to put this simply and not be politically or scientifically correct: How do you otherwise have the ability, or at least a viable chance to change towards where you want to go? How can somebody have a conscious choice, an act of conscious change (or maybe change at all) without the ability to look and understand their own self? My experience is that people can answer this question, and certainly according to their values.

The paradox of the self and the mirror

The reason why many people do not see what tool they possess (I didn’t) is because of something else:  Self-awareness and the ability to observe one’s self is so much our given nature that we have a hard time seeing that this is our most potent tool for progress. We need to value a tool with the use of that very tool, while that tool is so much our nature that we are the tool itself.

Let’s do this thought experiment: Imagine that you don’t know you exist as a separate being. In other words, you don’t have self-awareness. Imagine that you go and look in the mirror. You will not know that you are seeing your own self. Now imagine that something happens, you may react, and now imagine that you simply do not have the capacity to look at your own self in relation to that event that happened. Let alone have a conscious choice. The reality is that we do have a self and we do have a mirror (the capacity for self-observation). But many times we use the mirror only to fix our hair.

The mindset that follows

You will have realizations about your own uniqueness. If you haven’t yet, you will realize the importance of the life you live. Most of us struggle to accept our own value. Don’t be surprised if your self starts to work on it more. You will inevitably reach the stage where you stop valuing yourself in relation to external expectations. Be willing to go further than you ever imagined as your life deepens.

Your mind, your thinking will be more comfortable with paradoxes. As your self-observation deepens, so will your acceptance for what reality is. You will look at yourself more broadly and that will have an integrative effect on you.

You will be clearer in how you develop your values and logic. Your deepening self-observation will lead you to question your values and beliefs. You will value your ability to consciously form and change your values more than any particular value you hold. Your heightened internal clarity will drive clearer choices.

You will start to value the spirit behind things more than before. Put another way: you will prioritize your instinct over your mechanical, conceptual thinking. This is what we call magic, especially in our overengineered world. We are taught to be technocrats even with such human qualities and practices as self-awareness and self-observation. It is not about understanding it with some mechanical logic or seeing what personal benefit it can bring. While techniques and methods can be valuable (and this post ‘How self-observation works’ somewhat touches on those), they aren’t any substitutes for deep realizations.

The holidays I will go.

The house I will have.

The car I will drive.

The body I will have.

The confidence I will possess.

The kind person I will be.

The sharp person I will be.

The love I will give.

The love I will receive.

The rest I will have at night.

The books I will truly enjoy.

The depth I will go.

The breakthroughs I will have.

The intuitions I will follow.

 I am dreaming of all these. In this unlived life.

Self-inquiry on why I am lazy

• I don’t want to be lazy. I hate being lazy. But I admit many times I don’t feel like doing anything.
• I enjoy relaxing, though. But they are not the same thing for me. Maybe a little bit.
• Here is one belief I have about my laziness: I am lazy because I shall get things without effort.
• This is my shadow: I am so much above the “swamp” that I should not go back and do dirty things again. Things should go smoothly.
• This is shame I realize. What is most important is that I don’t exactly know how I got to this insight.
• So in retrospect, it is easy to understand the connection between my laziness and shame: In reality, I don’t see myself as somebody so developed. Quite the contrary. I am pretty much a nobody sitting in the middle of the “swamp”. And I cannot face this reality. So I made up this fantasy about how mature I am. 
• I even have fantasies about past lives where I was “already above the swamp”; I also fantasize that one day people will understand me and acknowledge me for my greatness.
• Quite strangely, my laziness has been getting worse, since I have been sinking into some panic that I will never get ‘those big’ things that I think I am entitled to. I am running out of time.
• There is also something else here: I had to slow down to the level of a full stop for a while. I was overwhelmed and wasn’t feeling well.
• So I am not sure now what the real reason is behind my lazy, muted mode.
• This is one of those self-reflections where there is no direct insight.
• I want to be so clever and so right that I miss reaching what is important.
• There is no solution for me yet.
• The closest I can get is that I deeply believe that things that are for me should go smoothly.
• I feel that I should enjoy myself. This is an honest, positive feeling, not a cover story for my laziness. 
• I am lazy because I don’t feel like doing things. As easy as that.
• In other words, I should do things that are really for me. I am sure I will not be lazy doing them.
• When I think about how I would live when I truly enjoyed myself, I clearly see that I would not care about my laziness. I wouldn’t be lazy, nor would I care so much about what things I need to do. I would not care if I were sitting in the middle of the swamp or somewhere else. My enjoyment of living the life I want would wash away such stupid things such as laziness.
• Ok, so behind my laziness is my need to live a life that is truly for me. 
• It is a self-inflicted block. A defense mechanism? However strange it sounds, it does resonate with me for sure.

Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.  

Self-observation on what I am missing

• I’ve come to the conclusion that the root of my hardships is that I am constantly missing something from my life. 
• This feeling of lack shows up everywhere and I see how much this is shaping my whole outlook on life.
• I have been looking everywhere and try to find what I am missing. Or what I have lost.
• I deeply looked into my past. My childhood, my traumas, and how I developed shame, resentment, and anger. And all the rest of it. 
• I also see how much love and joy I have had. And all the successes.
• And I have this constant feeling in the back of my mind that something is missing.
• Before I understood the effect of past events on my life. That understanding helped then. It is helpful today also but I understand very well that there is more to it.
• There is a sequence of steps in development. There is understanding that helps to develop the next one. Usually a deeper one.
• This feeling of lack is deeper. It is not just that things didn’t happen in the past the way I had hoped. Today those events serve as mere eye-openers for me. They are here to help.

• I suddenly come to the realization that what I am missing is commitment.
• Why do I have this realization? What does it mean? This understanding that what I miss is commitment feels happy. And fearful.
• Commitment to what we usually call God.
• Things aren’t in place without this.
• This is what I am missing.

Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me

• I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
• Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
• Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong. 
• I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior. 
• I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
• I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
• I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
• Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help. 
• Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
• Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist. 
• I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
• My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all. 
• Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.

• I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding. 
• I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation. 
• I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
• No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this. 
• Who has to do the first step? God or me?
• This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic. 
• Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.  
• I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually. 

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-Observation on my anxiety

• I am in a constant state of mild panic.
• I am tired.
• I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
• When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
• I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
• I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
• The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
• It feels as if it will never end.
• I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

• My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
• I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
• Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
• I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
• Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
• Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
• If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
• Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious.