Self-observation on why people are mean to me

• I am mean to people too. I hate this recognition but it is true.
• I have been working on this exercise for a while and for quite some time all my self-reflection was around the above recognition that I am at least as rude and sometimes more than those I find rude. Until recently, when things took some meaningful turns. Here are the outcomes of my self-reflections after.
• Yes, I am rude to people. It is sad for me to recognize this.
• I get rude to people when I get triggered. 
• Almost anything can trigger me. I am in such a state of irritation that the slightest thing can trigger me. 
• It is interesting to realize that deep down I still find that I have some righteousness with my anger. Yes, I overreact, yes, I can be a jerk; but still. It isn’t coming out of nowhere.
• The feeling I have is anger. 
• I am happy I learnt before that anger is a normal, healthy reaction to some kind of intrusion.
• Bang! Such a change in how I understand myself. All the time I was thinking that I was facing my shadow by seeing that I am also a mean and aggressive person. 
• The reason why I get triggered and become mean is because I feel my boundaries are overstepped. This causes my aggression. 
• What have those intrusions been in my case? Contempt, judgement, shaming, and probably most importantly, the simple ignorance to my limits.
• My and others’ “mean” behavior has a different light to it.

Self-Observation on why I don’t activate my life.

• I don’t ‘activate’ my life because I am waiting for something to happen. I find that until that something happens it doesn’t make sense for me to ‘activate’ myself.  
• There is fear for sure why I don’t do things. But I understand that this exercise will go deeper than this. As I am writing I know already that it will be about meaning. 
• I had ‘activated’ my life many times and it certainly felt the right direction for a while.  
• Why don’t I ‘activate’ my life? In other words, why don’t I live the life I would like? I feel that something is blocking me from doing that. I don’t know what this block is.
• I cannot tell what I would like exactly. Is that a problem?
• I realize something that is more important, some great news. I don’t activate myself because I don’t want those things, that kind of life that I could ‘activate’ now.
• This is confusing and mystical. I want to live a different life and I still think I cannot live it because I am missing something. But I am at the understanding that this thing cannot come from outside. So I am telling myself that I shall change within but I am missing something within. Confusing because one is not a cause of the other but clearly they come to exist at the same time. How can such a thing happen? 
• I was lost before when I ‘activated’ my life based on what I want from the outside world. I don’t want that any more, I want true meaning. I understand that thankfully this means that I am in fact not lost any more. 
• Maybe I shall just go on in any way I am able right now and that’s all. Even if things are confusing. Like as I am writing this post knowing that it is confuse and not being sure if anyone ever reads it or finds it valuable. 
• It is the realization that I am confused is the most valuable for me now.

No, politicians will not destroy the human race. Politicians are nothing more than a mirror to our present ways of thinking. We choose them, they don’t have power on their own. They are just one manifestation of our inner drama.

If we end our race, it will be because of our psyche. This short post is published at the end of 2024. A lot of dreadful things may happen but they don’t need to. In fact, a lot of life-giving and beautiful things can happen. 

There are truly a lot of us who find that we, humans have already won and our direction is precious. Join us if you want. Joining is easy: Give credit to this and have some nice thoughts about this.  

Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.  

Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

• I always fall back.
• I always question myself. I become anxious. 
• I am just afraid I will screw it up.
• This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
• Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
• Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
• I don’t dare to confront.

• I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
• And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
• Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
• I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
• This works! I need to find what causes it. 
• What is the real root cause?
• Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
• …
• It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
• This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
• This sounds strange but it is true.
• In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
• I am afraid of what others will say. 
• When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.

Self-observation on what I am missing

• I’ve come to the conclusion that the root of my hardships is that I am constantly missing something from my life. 
• This feeling of lack shows up everywhere and I see how much this is shaping my whole outlook on life.
• I have been looking everywhere and try to find what I am missing. Or what I have lost.
• I deeply looked into my past. My childhood, my traumas, and how I developed shame, resentment, and anger. And all the rest of it. 
• I also see how much love and joy I have had. And all the successes.
• And I have this constant feeling in the back of my mind that something is missing.
• Before I understood the effect of past events on my life. That understanding helped then. It is helpful today also but I understand very well that there is more to it.
• There is a sequence of steps in development. There is understanding that helps to develop the next one. Usually a deeper one.
• This feeling of lack is deeper. It is not just that things didn’t happen in the past the way I had hoped. Today those events serve as mere eye-openers for me. They are here to help.

• I suddenly come to the realization that what I am missing is commitment.
• Why do I have this realization? What does it mean? This understanding that what I miss is commitment feels happy. And fearful.
• Commitment to what we usually call God.
• Things aren’t in place without this.
• This is what I am missing.

I am tired because I am exhausted.

Most people think that there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to be tired in such times that we are going through.

This tiredness is here for a reason. We are going through profound changes and the tiredness comes from the inner work that we are currently doing.

It is also true that our tiredness comes from our high levels of stress. Which just plainly means that we are tired because we are not able to relax.

Nevertheless, it is not a personal fault. It is not even a fault and it is collective.

Imagine when finally you go through it. There will be a change in your energy.

We are all different (and all the same at the core) so I am not able to say what may have happened to you that you are personally clearing now, so what I can do is write down some of my own personal experiences: When I can finally relax, these are some of the things that happen with me; My body starts to shake as it is trying to let go of the spasms. My breath starts to relax and deepen. I am suddenly fine not to be ‘all-knowing’, my shame drops to a level that I hardly care. The way I look at people who are bullying or manipulating me and others changes completely: I used to either run away or fight with them. Today I just simply do not care, or usually care much less. They have no effect on me other than sometimes I feel sorry for people with such behavior.

This is a complete change because I don’t want to ‘solve’ the sources of stress anymore. I am independent. And I enjoy relaxing.

But above all these personal perceptions, now I know that there is a profound change happening. Not just in me but in all of us. This is the most important knowledge that I recently got. I invite you to fear not. And know that this transition that is something very positive after all.

Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me

• I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
• Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
• Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong. 
• I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior. 
• I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
• I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
• I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
• Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help. 
• Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
• Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist. 
• I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
• My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all. 
• Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.

• I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding. 
• I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation. 
• I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
• No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this. 
• Who has to do the first step? God or me?
• This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic. 
• Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.  
• I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually. 

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.