Self-inquiry on why I am lazy

• I don’t want to be lazy. I hate being lazy. But I admit many times I don’t feel like doing anything.
• I enjoy relaxing, though. But they are not the same thing for me. Maybe a little bit.
• Here is one belief I have about my laziness: I am lazy because I shall get things without effort.
• This is my shadow: I am so much above the “swamp” that I should not go back and do dirty things again. Things should go smoothly.
• This is shame I realize. What is most important is that I don’t exactly know how I got to this insight.
• So in retrospect, it is easy to understand the connection between my laziness and shame: In reality, I don’t see myself as somebody so developed. Quite the contrary. I am pretty much a nobody sitting in the middle of the “swamp”. And I cannot face this reality. So I made up this fantasy about how mature I am. 
• I even have fantasies about past lives where I was “already above the swamp”; I also fantasize that one day people will understand me and acknowledge me for my greatness.
• Quite strangely, my laziness has been getting worse, since I have been sinking into some panic that I will never get ‘those big’ things that I think I am entitled to. I am running out of time.
• There is also something else here: I had to slow down to the level of a full stop for a while. I was overwhelmed and wasn’t feeling well.
• So I am not sure now what the real reason is behind my lazy, muted mode.
• This is one of those self-reflections where there is no direct insight.
• I want to be so clever and so right that I miss reaching what is important.
• There is no solution for me yet.
• The closest I can get is that I deeply believe that things that are for me should go smoothly.
• I feel that I should enjoy myself. This is an honest, positive feeling, not a cover story for my laziness. 
• I am lazy because I don’t feel like doing things. As easy as that.
• In other words, I should do things that are really for me. I am sure I will not be lazy doing them.
• When I think about how I would live when I truly enjoyed myself, I clearly see that I would not care about my laziness. I wouldn’t be lazy, nor would I care so much about what things I need to do. I would not care if I were sitting in the middle of the swamp or somewhere else. My enjoyment of living the life I want would wash away such stupid things such as laziness.
• Ok, so behind my laziness is my need to live a life that is truly for me. 
• It is a self-inflicted block. A defense mechanism? However strange it sounds, it does resonate with me for sure.

Self-inquiry on where my assertiveness has disappeared

• This is what I see about myself as the first thing: I have tried so many times and never really gotten what I wanted.
• I have been assertive before. And I did get what I wanted. I remember now how I used to enjoy being wild and assertive. And how much it helped me achieve success.
• And then it was gone.
• I think I stopped being assertive because, as I was growing older, I realized what I got wasn’t really what I wanted. 
• I have given up. Let me just be and do the bare minimum. Wanting things isn’t for me.
• Honestly…I am just waiting for something or somebody to get me out of my misery. Genuinely pathetic.   

• Wait! There is something wrong here with my “genius” logic. 
• So actually, I have been assertive, and it did work. The reason I gave up is hardly my assertiveness’s fault. 
• I just didn’t want the right thing for me. So after all, those things like money, beautiful smiles, nice car aren’t the stuff that ultimately make me happy. I know that. For the last 15 years, roughly. That was when I finally decided to go all in to finding out who I really am.
• So actually, I have to conclude that a good thing happened to me: I stopped going for things that are not for me…
• Why don’t I like what I have concluded here? I have to admit that it is not how I feel. 
• When I think of my assertiveness, I see that I miss it. I would like to see it work. I would like to use it. 

• There is a key thing that recently came to me.
• (Having read Carl Jung comes in handy here. He made me realize that it is the opposites that make things be in balance.)
• I am a sensitive type by nature. I understand emotions and thought patterns, maybe a bit more than average. I am intuitive, and I value depth. Relationships and receptivity are very important to me.
• And now I am realizing I have overrated these at the expense of my assertiveness.
• I have done it on purpose. This has given me the idea of righteousness. The idea of being morally above the other – after all, I haven’t taken anything, I just have been empathic. And I see the other lies I have hidden behind. I will work on these later. This is getting too much now. 

• My assertiveness is part of me. That is my Animus. 
• I admit I have made it dormant.

Note that this is a somewhat different self-inquiry from the others, as some parts have been left out. You will probably catch where.

Self-inquiry on why I feel lonely

• (More importantly, why can I just not get out of my loneliness?)

• Obviously, I feel lonely because I am abandoned.

• I know and feel that my problem is abandonment, but still, I am not over it.

• It is a dead end this way. There must be something more to it.

• After a lot of self-reflection and inquiry, this is what I got to: My problem is that I feel betrayed.

• I gave everything into the relationship, and the other person betrayed me by not taking our relationship seriously.

• This is a morality issue for me.

• And this is beyond the two of us.

• How can we, humans, have this capacity to betray one another? I am not talking about carelessness. I am talking about outright ignorance.

• This is what my morality cannot digest at the moment, and this is the reason why I cannot get out of my loneliness.

Self-observation on why I don’t want to work anymore. This is what I feel when I think of my job.

• Leave me alone with all this bullshit!
• Don’t force such nonsense on me!
• Stop passively or actively shame or bully me! Don’t you know better? I do. I want to be a sensible person also at my job. 
• Don’t scare me?
• Don’t knowingly manipulate me into things I don’t want to do. 
• Of course I don’t like my job anymore; It is a toxic place.
• I understand that this exercise I am doing is less about self reflection but I know that this is right. 
• The big realization for me is that I know I am right. This is the key for me here.
• I understand that some are also projections of mine but actually they are also correct. 
• I know that most workplaces are like that. But again; I don’t care. It doesn’t change that I don’t want to be in such environments. It appears that I grew out of it.

Self-reflection on why I can’t figure out what I want from my life

• What is it really I am looking for? 
• I want to feel calm and relaxed.
• And sometimes quite the opposite; I want to feel wild.
• I want to feel safe.
• I am looking for love also. And Success.
• Ah, I could go on with this list. 
• What I do see about myself now is that I am in a state of chaos.
• I want this chaos to end.
• This chaotic state depletes my energy level, and I just want to relax and calm down. 
• I have my ways of calming myself. I go into my warm, dream-like state that is so well known to me. It is like being in a cradle. 
• And this ‘cradle’ is sucking me in. It is truly comforting and nurturing.
• But when I observe myself, I see that this is not what I really want. Deep down, I feel that this alone isn’t right for me anymore. 
• I don’t want to be ‘sucked into this cradle’ anymore. I don’t just want to be one with it; It is not enough for me; My life has to be about other things too. 
• And as I am looking at this cradle, I realize I am afraid of it. 
• Actually, it is a big soup of chaotic everything. And the more I immerse myself in it, the more I lose my consciousness. 
• I realize now that my ‘cradle’ isn’t just all good. It is actually dangerous. 
• And most importantly, it wants to suck me in. It is its nature.  
• I am truly frightened to totally immerse myself in it. And I am frightened not to become my own Self. 
• It is fear that keeps me confused.
• And luckily, my open heart. 
• I cannot think of a better feeling as I am writing these lines than the vision of my open heart. It is coming from both poles.

Self-observation on why people are mean to me

• I am mean to people too. I hate this recognition but it is true.
• I have been working on this exercise for a while and for quite some time all my self-reflection was around the above recognition that I am at least as rude and sometimes more than those I find rude. Until recently, when things took some meaningful turns. Here are the outcomes of my self-reflections after.
• Yes, I am rude to people. It is sad for me to recognize this.
• I get rude to people when I get triggered. 
• Almost anything can trigger me. I am in such a state of irritation that the slightest thing can trigger me. 
• It is interesting to realize that deep down I still find that I have some righteousness with my anger. Yes, I overreact, yes, I can be a jerk; but still. It isn’t coming out of nowhere.
• The feeling I have is anger. 
• I am happy I learnt before that anger is a normal, healthy reaction to some kind of intrusion.
• Bang! Such a change in how I understand myself. All the time I was thinking that I was facing my shadow by seeing that I am also a mean and aggressive person. 
• The reason why I get triggered and become mean is because I feel my boundaries are overstepped. This causes my aggression. 
• What have those intrusions been in my case? Contempt, judgement, shaming, and probably most importantly, the simple ignorance to my limits.
• My and others’ “mean” behavior has a different light to it.

Self-Observation on why I don’t activate my life.

• I don’t ‘activate’ my life because I am waiting for something to happen. I find that until that something happens it doesn’t make sense for me to ‘activate’ myself.  
• There is fear for sure why I don’t do things. But I understand that this exercise will go deeper than this. As I am writing I know already that it will be about meaning. 
• I had ‘activated’ my life many times and it certainly felt the right direction for a while.  
• Why don’t I ‘activate’ my life? In other words, why don’t I live the life I would like? I feel that something is blocking me from doing that. I don’t know what this block is.
• I cannot tell what I would like exactly. Is that a problem?
• I realize something that is more important, some great news. I don’t activate myself because I don’t want those things, that kind of life that I could ‘activate’ now.
• This is confusing and mystical. I want to live a different life and I still think I cannot live it because I am missing something. But I am at the understanding that this thing cannot come from outside. So I am telling myself that I shall change within but I am missing something within. Confusing because one is not a cause of the other but clearly they come to exist at the same time. How can such a thing happen? 
• I was lost before when I ‘activated’ my life based on what I want from the outside world. I don’t want that any more, I want true meaning. I understand that thankfully this means that I am in fact not lost any more. 
• Maybe I shall just go on in any way I am able right now and that’s all. Even if things are confusing. Like as I am writing this post knowing that it is confuse and not being sure if anyone ever reads it or finds it valuable. 
• It is the realization that I am confused is the most valuable for me now.

No, politicians will not destroy the human race. Politicians are nothing more than a mirror to our present ways of thinking. We choose them, they don’t have power on their own. They are just one manifestation of our inner drama.

If we end our race, it will be because of our psyche. This short post is published at the end of 2024. A lot of dreadful things may happen but they don’t need to. In fact, a lot of life-giving and beautiful things can happen. 

There are truly a lot of us who find that we, humans have already won and our direction is precious. Join us if you want. Joining is easy: Give credit to this and have some nice thoughts about this.  

Self-Observation on why I have a problem with limits

What’s causing my problem with limits?

• I get irritated easily. This is true for most things around me. Be it people, situations, the food I eat; almost anything ‘outside’ of me.
• I have this internal image that situations are irritating and hard and are always like this.
• I know it is a cliché but I can trace this feeling back to my childhood.
• I have this feeling – an image – that I am in a situation that I don’t like and this situation wants something from me that I don’t like. But I need to stay in this situation.
• So I am just sitting in it and getting ever more irritated.
• I feel I always need to fight not to let things into my own space. 
• I just realize that the problem is mine. I mean, sure situations are hard but I find every situation hard.
• Oh…There is something behind the irritation that I kind of see now.
• It is not the irritation but the fact that it is hard to ‘live with it, hard get out of it’. I mean that now I find it is ok to be irritated by things that are in fact irritating. My problem is that I find it literally impossible to solve it for myself. And that is because I find everything so hard to ‘solve’, finish. This is the key for me.
• My problem with limits and my view that it is hard to finish, and ‘accomplish’ things are not in a cause-and-effect relationship. What I mean is that I can not separate one from the other and say that one causes the other. They are together.

Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.