Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.  

Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

• I always fall back.
• I always question myself. I become anxious. 
• I am just afraid I will screw it up.
• This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
• Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
• Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
• I don’t dare to confront.

• I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
• And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
• Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
• I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
• This works! I need to find what causes it. 
• What is the real root cause?
• Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
• …
• It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
• This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
• This sounds strange but it is true.
• In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
• I am afraid of what others will say. 
• When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.

I am tired because I am exhausted.

Most people think that there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to be tired in such times that we are going through.

This tiredness is here for a reason. We are going through profound changes and the tiredness comes from the inner work that we are currently doing.

It is also true that our tiredness comes from our high levels of stress. Which just plainly means that we are tired because we are not able to relax.

Nevertheless, it is not a personal fault. It is not even a fault and it is collective.

Imagine when finally you go through it. There will be a change in your energy.

We are all different (and all the same at the core) so I am not able to say what may have happened to you that you are personally clearing now, so what I can do is write down some of my own personal experiences: When I can finally relax, these are some of the things that happen with me; My body starts to shake as it is trying to let go of the spasms. My breath starts to relax and deepen. I am suddenly fine not to be ‘all-knowing’, my shame drops to a level that I hardly care. The way I look at people who are bullying or manipulating me and others changes completely: I used to either run away or fight with them. Today I just simply do not care, or usually care much less. They have no effect on me other than sometimes I feel sorry for people with such behavior.

This is a complete change because I don’t want to ‘solve’ the sources of stress anymore. I am independent. And I enjoy relaxing.

But above all these personal perceptions, now I know that there is a profound change happening. Not just in me but in all of us. This is the most important knowledge that I recently got. I invite you to fear not. And know that this transition that is something very positive after all.

Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me

• I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
• Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
• Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong. 
• I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior. 
• I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
• I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
• I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
• Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help. 
• Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
• Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist. 
• I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
• My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all. 
• Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.

• I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding. 
• I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation. 
• I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
• No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this. 
• Who has to do the first step? God or me?
• This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic. 
• Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.  
• I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually. 

I decided not to come up with an intro to this post and go into some clever definitions and orientation. The concept is ambiguous in my view, and ‘correctness and cleverness’ will not bring value to the reader. Subjectivity may. (Going so far with it that I do give my own personal definition of an outlier at the end).

Do these resonate with you?

I am trying to give some reasoning so that you can decide whether you agree or not.

• “I feel (or used to feel) sickened by the unconscious and vicious way we, humans, live. I do not want to take sides, but I feel morally sickened. I wish we lived differently. Starkly differently.”
  • Outliers actively get away from the current systems governing our lives.
• “I like thinking in systems. I enjoy understanding things on a system level.”
  • Outliers are actively working on figuring things out. And so they are abstract thinkers.
• “I am looked at as a weirdo or as a ‘not-so-important’ person at work, in my family of origin, and at other social circles.”
  • This is also one of those ‘suspicious’ ones. Weirdos and ‘not-so-important’ persons do not belong that strongly to groups, or they belong uncommonly. But this is also true for many other people; for instance, for people who have relationship trauma.
• “I don’t necessarily look for the company of other outliers.”
  • I think it may be because a lot of outliers are at the stage of separation and independence in their personal development.
• “I do not have many close friends.”
  • Outliers can be brutally honest with themselves, and this is also true for how they define friendship.
• “Outliers don’t stand out for things. They are always in the background.“
  • Untrue. They choose much more carefully what they stand out for. And I am not implying that this is always a good thing.
• “I chose to be an outlier.”
  • Then you are not an outlier. One doesn’t choose to be an outlier.
  • You may have some traumas, challenging life situations, you may be deeply interested in self-development, or other areas that aspire to change the status quo, but that in itself doesn’t make you an outlier.
• “It appears to me that I have chosen this path some time back.“
  • My personal experience about outliers I was lucky to meet: When they look at their life so far, they find they were just as unconscious for a while as anyone else. At the most, a bit more self-aware than average. And then something changed. Gradually for some, suddenly for others.

How others look at outliers

• Trained eyes recognize outliers.
• Untrained eyes see surface-level attributes. In other words, outliers are many times put into cliches that don’t tell much.
• Many people are afraid of outliers. An average response is ridicule; a harsher one is an attack.
• Most organizations can’t tolerate outliers.

My personal definition of who an outlier is

An outlier is a person who is consciously seeking individuation.

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-Observation on my anxiety

• I am in a constant state of mild panic.
• I am tired.
• I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
• When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
• I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
• I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
• The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
• It feels as if it will never end.
• I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

• My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
• I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
• Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
• I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
• Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
• Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
• If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
• Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious. 

Self-observation on why I am not successful enough

• I imagine myself very differently inside than how my life is on the outside.
• I dream of becoming successful but it just doesn’t seem to happen. 
• I am continuously trying everything. Harder and harder. Sometimes I am trying to be smarter, more self-confident, and even tried to ‘believe the universe will help me’.
• It is a constant struggle. I just know instinctively that it should not be a never-ending battle and overwhelm. 
• There must be something that can change this situation. 
• When I think of my abilities, my self-confidence drops. 
• Still, it is not about my abilities. Many others have less in many areas and they are still more successful than me. 
• When I observe myself, I feel a great level of uneasiness. 
• This uneasiness comes from my desire to achieve.
• My mindset is that if I push it more, I will achieve what I want. 
• No, this is not the way. There must be a better way.
• I admit I don’t know what to do exactly.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• Something is blocking me.
• I am not able to be myself.
• I am afraid to be myself. This is the block in me.
• I have low self-confidence and this is why reaching success is a struggle.
• No.
• Behind my low self-confidence is fear. Simple fear. Fear of losing my safety.
• The block is not my low self-confidence. That thought of myself that I have low self-confidence only happens as a result of my fear. The key is my fear.
• This is why I don’t ‘dare to jump’ and do what is needed for my success.
• And the way it works is that I block myself from being who I really am.
• I am not able to be that vibrant person who I want to be. 
• This fear is teaching me to see who I really am.
• This fear might even be more than that. I may be able to transform it into something that I miss now in myself.
• I will think about what I would like to transform my fear – my new friend – into.

This post contains insights, practical ideas, considerations, and food for thought about the practice of self-observation. While these can be handy, what we find truly important is the state of mind that makes self-observation work. We talk about that in this post: What makes self-observation work.

In self-observation, I look at my own self. I look at my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, my life in an unbiased, non-judgmental way. Self-observation is like a mirror; I can stand in front of it and look at my own self through it.  It is my own consciousness in action. The outcome is not only that I see and understand myself better, but I am changing myself for the better. It is a natural talent and arguably one of the greatest gifts that we have.

Self-observation in practice

Being non-judgmental

We all want to get to a place where we are non-judgmental. It hardly ever happens. This is a more useful thought in my experience for such mortals as me: ‘Of course I am judgmental. This is because it is a hard thing I am dealing with. I do care, I am angry, or sad. I do want to escape. I do use judgment to justify why I am in this hard situation. Let me work myself through it.’ It is proper self-observation in practice when I realize my judgmental approach. When I work myself through the reasons why I am so judgmental, then I can start letting some of my judgments go.

When I analyze myself

When I observe myself, I also analyze myself. That is largely automatic with most of us, and we do not differentiate between self-observation and self-inquiry. But let me make a separation now. This is how most of us think this ‘process’ works: I do self-observation, and then I analyze myself based on what I observed. This is not how it works, and this is self-deception, actually. If I do self-observation/inquiry this way, then I basically analyze myself based on what I already know. No wonder many of us overanalyze ourselves and are stuck in a loop. Instead, this is how I should look at the practice of self-observation: The goal is to see myself clearly for what I am, how I behave (hence the need to be non-judgmental). This is the key: Self-observation generates insights. That’s the gold we are looking for. We are looking for that moment of insight, that sudden realization. Such a thing is not an outcome of analysis. If the insight triggers analysis, that’s cool. If I start to analyze because I actually do not know what’s up, then that is not necessarily a good sign.

When I am stuck, when there is no change

Being stuck can also happen for no apparent reason. There is a habit that you can build, and it is called ‘Touch and go’: You observe, you acknowledge, and you consciously decide to immediately go on.

Here is another idea, a method you can consider, and it is called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. In a nutshell, it is a trauma elimination technique, and it helps the brain to reprocess traumatic information, allowing it to be a neutral memory. Beyond showing this technique to you, I bring this up because it points to something important about self-observation: EMDR is not considered a self-observation practice, but self-observation can have the same neutralizing effect. That is: Our mind processing or reprocessing something. No big insight, no conscious realization of something. Just ease. And new openings.

Doing self-observation as a daily routine

Let me be harsh: You will be missing out on self-observation’s spontaneous nature if you make it into a routine. Don’t control it. Don’t mistake self-observation for meditation. Self-observation is a tool and meditation is a state. Also, self-observation doesn’t need to last long to yield results. It is also true that the more often you do it, the better you get at it, and the more automatic it will become for you.

Self-observation for the greater good

Self-observation heals. It helps one to understand and accept the other more. It helps to take back our projections. It helps to develop the right outlook for the individual and for society at large.

Self-observation and enjoyment

I cannot think of a better way to wrap up this post than this. The more I practice self-observation, the more I enjoy my deep and colorful inner world. Nothing comes close to it.