Is this the brave new world that Gen Z people are building for themselves? They do not seem to have the motivation to thrive. They aren’t exactly interested in making a career. They aren’t very much interested in building families. They do not have much respect for the values that previous generations built to hold our social fabric together. No respect for hierarchy, no respect for achievements. They are simply lazy with no outlook on life. 

WHAT?? NO!!!

Gen Z folks simply don’t t buy into the current ways we live. They don’t buy into the toxic, inhuman, and painful rules by which we live. 

Don’t they have the motivation to thrive, make more money, and have a great career? Maybe they just simply see how ridiculously stupid and toxic the world of work has become. 

Aren’t they interested in building families? Well, maybe they already have a deeper, intrinsic understanding there also that the way we do it currently sucks. 

Not much respect? No, they do have respect. But in things that they find more value in. And not for the sake of keeping the status quo.

Do they consciously know what they are doing? I am not sure. I think that deep down, they know they don’t want what they see. What matters is that they are doing it and bringing a change. 

Do they suffer? Yes. The world they came into isn’t exactly what they imagined. 

Are they lazy? Let’s not mistake depression or lack of motivation to do shit for laziness.

Gen Z is a new wave of people. My personal opinion is that this new wave is making a real change. 

“The reason why I can’t achieve what I want is that I actually don’t think at my core that this is good enough for me.” If this resonates with you then this post may be for you. It takes courage, honesty, and quite a level of deepness to realize that this is your challenge in my opinion. And this realization may present an opportunity to solve this conflict of yours and move on finally.

The below may be useful, and as it is many times with posts on SelfChatter, the idea is to trigger thinking and inner work.

My ego’s way

My ego may create this image that I want this thing. But for my ego, this is a question of choice. If I am in victim consciousness or feel I am not worth it, then my ego can use this goal that I want to achieve ‘against’ me – in other words, reinforce the need for its existence by compromising success. Strengthen my victim consciousness, low self-esteem, and alike. So my ego whispers “This is not good enough for you, you deserve better.”

My True Self’s way

Now my True Self works in a different way. If my wish comes from my True Self, it will respond to it. What do I mean with this exactly in the context of “I actually don’t think at the core that this thing I want is good enough for me?” I mean exactly what the thought says: My True Self realizes that it is not good enough for me. This is actually pretty good news if I think it over. My True Self knows exactly what is good for me and it cannot be tricked, manipulated, destroyed, or harmed in any way.   

A side note: I could look at this as a protective function of my True Self. But if I think about conscious manifestation then it is not about protection. My True Self simply only responds to things that are good for me. Not because it selects for me, but because it chooses only to see wishes that are wholehearted, and made out of love. My True Self doesn’t need protection (and it doesn’t matter if you think of it as a standalone being or as one that is in interplay and in co-creation with God).

One logical question

“But I do achieve things that turn out to be bad or unsuccessful for me later. How about that?”

1. In this post, I am writing about consciously knowing what I want and not about the unconscious wandering of my mind.
2. I cannot be sure that the things I deem bad or unsuccessful are really invaluable. It is true that it takes a lot of consciousness to connect the dots. 

An unmet need

(Let me just put into context what I mean by an unmet need here. My needs that result in things like Feeling unloved, feeling not being worthy, thinking that I am not able to make it, etc.)

When the thing that I want to achieve is formed because of an unmet need I have, then I don’t think it is likely that I will get it. Why?

• The ego’s response: My unmet needs are “in my ego’s territory”, and so it is likely that my ego will respond, and chances are that my ego formed my wish. And my ego will surface my unmet needs. Until I solve them, integrate them.   
• My True Self’s response: My True Self responds to things that I am wholeheartedly asking for. A “dirty” example of why my True Self will not respond (or not how I want): Say that I want to win the lottery. If this wish is because of an unmet need then it is not money that I want actually. But people’s admiration, respect, love, feeling safe, or whatever my logic is what that money will bring me.

Shame

This may be the reason why you came to this post. 

When I have this “not good enough” thinking then it can be that I have toxic shame. Why? The way I look at the outside world comes from my inner world, the way I look at myself. If I look at myself as “not good enough” then it is very likely that I project this to the world around me. Then my failures to achieve things are opportunities to realize how I think about myself.

Most of our suffering comes from our relationships and spending time alone means you lock out your human relationships from your life on a physical level. So by spending time alone you can help yourself in starting to heal your relationship issues and grow your level of consciousness.

Spending time alone is probably one of the best ‘tools’ to do inner work and to develop. In this post, I concentrate mostly on how spending time alone can help you to heal your relationship issues. I do this with good intentions and I do not mean to imply that spending time alone is only about this. There is a lot more to it. 

Why is it hard for some people to spend time alone?

It is like giving up an addiction

Our relationship traumas, unmet needs, resentments, etc. ‘create’ forms of dependencies towards others. We have unmet – relationship – needs and we turn to others to have those needs met. When you intentionally ‘lock out’ others from your life for a while then you do the same thing as stopping an addiction, a dependency. And this is the main reason why it is so hard for some of us to spend time alone. All the pain, fear, confusion – you name it – can kick in. 

The fear of losing your safety

We look at our human relationships as our primary source of safety. No wonder we can develop an intense fear of losing our safety when we decide to be alone. This subject also goes a long way, let me just only mention it here to make it conscious for us. 

The shame element

I like spending time alone, I am like this since my childhood. And I have received countless ‘comments’ on how much of a loner I am. It took quite some energy to understand that with these ‘comments’ people try to shame me. Well, I did develop shame. Until I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Today I meet more and more people who not only see the value of being alone but are already free of this twisted logic that “If someone enjoys being alone then it means that person is not social.” Put in another way: “You must ‘be’ social the way we understand it, otherwise you don’t belong to us…”  

Spending time alone doesn’t mean you are antisocial

It is quite the opposite. You just stop being needy. It is a healthy social trait when someone intentionally refrains from projecting their neediness onto others.

Also, if you like spending time alone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t want to or don’t like to socialize. You may just like to socialize with others for good reasons like helping others, teaming up for a common cause, or simply enjoying others’ company without wanting anything ‘in return’. In this respect, it is a bit strange to call someone sociable who ‘socializes’ with others because of some unmet relationship needs. 

(The Covid lockdowns were a forced ‘spend time alone’ period for many of us. And though it has been painful I believe it had positive effects too. Have you heard of this phenomenon called the Great Resignation? )

Why is it valuable to spend time alone? The benefits that you can expect

• Expect to become a truly social person
  • Expect to develop true compassion towards other people. A different perspective from neediness.
• You will enjoy your own company
  • If you are reading this article because you just can’t imagine how being alone can be joyful then I have this good news: You will eventually come closer to your own Self and will realize that actually you are the most enjoyable person in your life. 
• Expect to become calmer and have more self-confidence
  • Just saying this so that you don’t get surprised by new perspectives. 
• Your thinking will become clearer
• Your relationships will evolve and you will form healthier ones
• You will become more emotionally and mentally independent
• You stop being alone because you can’t be with others
  • I mean: If you were alone before because you could not be in a relationship then this may change. If you choose so. 
• Expect to be different from those who are addicted to relationships
  • Just a heads up that your view and understanding will change. For the better. Nevertheless, chances are that it will be scary for a long time because most people (well above 90% of us) are addicted to relationships, and situations will want to ‘suck you back’.

How to get the most out of spending time alone?

We are all different and as you can see this article is not about how to live the life of a hermit. Still, there can be some useful advice, which I could maybe sum up in one sentence: “Do not chicken out until you start enjoying it.”

Anyways, here are some that most people find useful

• Create silence around you. 
• Try not to switch on the tv, social media, and the like (Ever wondered how today’s social media platforms lure people in?).
• Try not to overeat, buy things you don’t need, etc.). Instead, try to use the opportunity to look deeper at your cravings. 
• Spend time in nature. Or maybe just walk and enjoy doing the ‘nothing’. 
• Have a rhythm. It helps in many ways. The key is to be conscious about it, not rigid.
• Exercise consciousness. Something tells me it won’t be very hard for you. I can list things like meditation, yoga, jogging, playing a musical instrument, etc. We are all different; anything that you enjoy and what helps you go deeper. 

The reason why self-confidence is important is that it enables you to decide and act freely. It mobilizes you and helps you to break through.

Without it, your actions (more importantly the thoughts and emotions that result in your actions) will not fully come from your true Self but from your self-binding thoughts. This way your actions will lead to results that are not the best for you.

Let’s define self-confidence

I define self-confidence in two.

The absence of self-doubt

I define the absence of self-doubt as the inner knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. 

The desire to do what is right

Whether I believe in some universal morals or not, I can hardly imagine self-confidence without this desire. I cannot exactly define what I mean by “do what is right”. The closest I can point to is kindness. The word desire is also important…

They are interconnected but not the same. One can exist without the other but only one will not result in self-confidence. The absence of self-doubt is a state of mind, and the desire to do what is right is a personal trait. They together give the feeling of being alive and making a breakthrough that makes us so free when we have self-confidence. The inner knowing that we are doing something life-giving.

What self-confidence is not

• Self-confidence is not puffed-up pride. 
• Self-confidence is not fearlessness. 
• Self-confidence is not about thinking that you know better or you are better.
• Self-confidence is not about thinking that you are all-knowing.
• The strongest sign of self-confidence is our ability to realize our shortcomings.
• …  

Yes, by the deep oneness I am looking for I probably think of the same thing as you do. This kind, gentle, joyful, happy state of being where I feel that I am totally connected with something. I could give this something many names. But more importantly, what I feel about it is that it is alive. And it is very happy being with me. And it has some kind intentions toward me. Maybe intentions is not the best word, but wishes. And this something is so fragile that it is anti-fragile. And it is so kind that it has become indestructible. I am not a poet, but I trust you see this.

The best name I and many others could give this something is consciousness.

The oneness with my mother

Since I started to connect the dots in my life, I understood that my biggest challenge has been my relationship with my mother. Many of us go down this path in our self-development when we go back to our early childhood and make the cause-and-effect relationships between those early days and our present life. This post is not about this path but I would like to talk about one very important thing in relation to this article: As a child, we are all looking for this oneness. And we are looking for this through the person who we are the closest to – luckily for me it was my mother. This is one – if not the – major need we have before we can get to the next steps in our development. 

I did not think I got enough of this deep oneness with my mother. And a shift happened with me. I realized that my mother did give me the deep oneness, and togetherness that I was looking for. As much as a human being is capable. Now I understand that I was able to experience it through my relationship with her. I can clearly feel it at any time. She did all she could and she does love me. Even if she is fallible like all of us, it does not matter – I did get it through my relationship with her.

It has been a long time since I felt this sense of liberation when I understood this – I mean that I have been loved. I also understood that this deep oneness that I am looking for is not something that another human being can fully give me. I am not sure which happened first: My deeper understanding of my relationship with my mother or my deeper understanding of this ‘something’ I am looking for.   Maybe they happened together. Either way, through our human relationships we can get a glimpse, a peep into it so that we start to ‘remember’ that it exists. Today I look at it as one quality of my independence that I can feel this ‘alone’ – I don’t need anybody, anything external to feel this.

The fall

There is some cut from this oneness today. For a reason. We were in a deeper connection with this oneness before and recently we have turned away from it – perhaps in our quest for more individuation? I am not sure if this separation is one natural step in our development or a ‘mistake’ that should be corrected. But I do see that there is a shift happening and I do believe that this shift is happening independently from our current ego-based, ‘control-seeking’ setup. And I do believe that it is something truly good for us. 

“I don’t know what I want from life because somewhere along the way I got used to the idea that I cannot get what I really want.” If this thought resonates with you then this post may be valuable to you.  

I got used to going for Plan B. And somewhere along the way, this thought solidified in me. It became my mindset, my primary way of looking at my life. And I lost sight of ‘Plan A’ – which is my inner knowing of what I really want. I may have lost sight of it to the extent that I kind of don’t even remember that such a thing exists.

How and why did it happen? 

What were the steps that made me develop this behavior that I got used to going for ‘Plan B’?

First step: It happened due to some form of fear. Phrased in an elementary way: ‘I did not get what I wanted and I got scared.’

(Why didn’t this happen?: ‘I did not get what I want and I got angry.’ Actually, maybe this happened. And my anger – or maybe not my anger, but my very strong drive – helped me to push more and get what I wanted. And maybe I did have success. But the fact that I am here and reading these lines suggests that I do have a deficit.)

Next step: I did not get what I wanted and I developed a sense of loss. And as result, I got depressed and have given up. What do I mean by ‘I did not get what I wanted.’? : Take it abstractly. I had a need that was not met. This need may be unconscious. It doesn’t need to be something physical (I believe it usually isn’t), or also it can be something that I wanted more of but did not get enough.

Next step: I developed the belief that ‘I just cannot get what I really want. This is my life.’ This became my reality. Why did I form this belief? I formed this as my coping mechanism. We need to cope and make sense of the world.

(Imagine that you already had a strong and developed self when those experiences happened to you. Chances are that your belief – your conclusion about what has happened to you – would be closer to something like this: ‘This sucks but I understand that I cannot always get what I want. But there is nothing wrong with me. I will change my behavior and situation so that I can get what I want.’ (Strangely, I think it can also be that I got too much of something that I did not want. And after all, it had the same effect because I could not ‘identify’ with what I got (‘This is not what I want and it is not a substitute.’). )

Next step: Since this is my belief about my life, the world around me is ‘mirroring’ this mindset back to me. I see things through this lens and gravitate toward such situations. 

The hiding places of this belief

Just ideas. I am only listing painful things to trigger self-observation and I am sorry. I am doing it with the best intentions.

I am a people pleaser and act as a very empathic person

Since I have a sense of lack I develop this tactic to get what I want – which will inevitably lead to ‘Plan B’. Perhaps the unhealthy opposite of narcissism. 

I criticize almost everything

It is hard for me not to criticize – since I am on ‘Plan B’ usually. A way of coping.

I do not stay in relationships, I may be a job hopper

I think that this is a way of coping – an attempt to ‘escape’, and change my situation for the better. There is some good news here: I act, I am looking for a change, I am looking for my way out. A big difference compared to being muted and still.

I have low self-confidence; I may overreact to things more than average; ‘I feel like waiting all my life’, prone to depression, etc.

The list could go on. A sense of loss can result in a thousand ways of suffering.

Bottom line: The reason why I don’t know what I want is because there is something blocking it. I believe that this block is this sense of lack most of the time.

The good news

There is nothing wrong with you! You picked up some behaviors that helped you in the past but they do not anymore. That’s it. If you are a little bit like most of us then you developed a belief that helped you to cope and make sense of things. The fact that you are reading these lines is probably a strong indication that you are already processing your sense of loss and letting it go – This makes all the difference!

As you realize your own self-worth more, you will go less and less for things that you don’t want actually. This will be intoxicating.

In my experience I do not look for what I want; It comes automatically and from a healthy sense of self-confidence.

Hidden in the good news is a bit of work needed maybe: Even if it is understandable that I developed this mindset that I automatically go for ‘Plan B’, it is still my behavior; I am doing it. It takes a high level of courage to realize that ‘S..t, I am doing this, not someone else…’ When I get to this realization, it is an indication that I am on the other side of this already.

What works for me

1. When I understand this: It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what I want. What matters is how I want to feel and think. Maybe in other words: My job with myself is to create the circumstances in me so that it reveals itself. 
2. When I catch myself that again I am automatically going for ‘Plan B’.
3. And when I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way.

“The reason why I have no motivation to thrive is that I do not think that it is worth it anymore.” If this thought resonates with you then this post may be for you.

The dependency trap

• “My will to thrive is dependent on the world around me. Especially on people, and people who are the closest to me can have the biggest negative effect on my motivation.” 
• “I get a kick of motivation, go full in on it, and then something happens and I lose it. The main thought I have is that it is not worth it.”
• “I explained an insight that I had to my partner and he/she did not understand or was not interested in it. It made me angry and then later depressed.”

If the above examples trigger you or you find a resemblance of some sort in your life then it can be that you are in a stage of what is called co-dependency or counter-dependency. To make a long story short, it is a normal stage of development and one of its main characteristics is that we are emotionally dependent on another person and we want the other person to satisfy a need we have. It is normal and healthy in the sense that we all go through it early in life and it is not normal in the sense that most of us stay in these stages in adulthood. It is so widespread that we do not realize that it is not normal. 

When I am in a “dependent state of mind” it is because I have a need from an external source. There is nothing and nobody in the external world who can always give me what I want and is always trustable. So it is properly easy to lose motivation in this state of mind. 

The good news is that even if you are in this state, there is nothing wrong with you, however painful it may be.

Internal motivation to thrive and the True Self

There is such a thing as internal motivation. This comes from my True Self. My True Self is independent. And it can choose to be mutually dependent with others on top of its own independence.

I know when my motivation comes from my True Self: It feels so easy, it is very alive, it is strong, it is happy, it is natural to me. It doesn’t tire me like a motivation that comes from my False Self. I barely even can or want to rationalize why I want to thrive. I know that it is my natural state.  

(I think that all motivation is internal ultimately. We just may have some glitches here and there.)

Does my ego or my True Self motivate me?

You may not subscribe to the above explanation of “dependency, stages of development, and unmet needs”.

Maybe this one is closer to you: The ego isn’t real. And so its motivation to thrive isn’t real either. Even if I thrive through the ego, it will not last. The ego works with our fears and so its function is to keep those fear “alive”. So the ego will just not let true motivation and true success last because that would mean an end to its existence. On the other hand, the True Self can only work with true motivation. And that does bring the ultimate happiness that I want to experience through my successes.

Since the ego wants something completely different than my True Self, I shall not have such a strategy that I am ok to have a bit of both. 

A way out that worked for me

I am the type who always wants to figure out how things work – and why they don’t work and what is the problem. And I have always wanted to ‘pass’ on what I learned as this is giving me the biggest joy. Pretty early in life, I bumped into this pattern of mine that “I am excited to share something and happily acknowledge that the other person received it and got equally happy with it, but instead I get non-understanding, non-interest, ridiculing, and alike.”. (This is a sort of “Drama of the Gifted Child”. I am not gifted more than anyone else. We are all gifted and it is so frequent that we lose it.)

So I developed this mindset where I felt that all my life was about waiting for something to happen, and probably I don’t have much value in what I think and do (and ultimately in myself). So you may imagine I was jumping between trying to do it “better” or getting depressed. 

Until I could finally see that the source of most of my problems was that I chose not to live out of my True Self. This came when I understood and decided that the only choice I have is to live my True Self. A couple of other things also happened – maybe in parallel or one after the other, I don’t know: I understood that there is nothing wrong if people do not get as equally excited about what I am describing them. Nothing wrong with them and nothing wrong with me. I also developed more resilience. Painful things do not touch me as hard. I enjoy being my True Self more and more by the day.

There are many articles, lists, and how-to guides on how to set healthy limits and what those may be. Yet, most of us struggle to set and keep those limits. Why is that? This article discusses some of the possible underlying reasons why we are not able to develop those healthy limits. There can certainly be many ways to look at this and I also agree that there can be many reasons. Yet the following is valid and effective in my experience. 

The reasoning

1. Here is how I phrase it: “My behavior with my limits derives from my relationship patterns, from how I attach to others, and from my unmet relationship needs.”.
2. Let’s go deeper: “I am not able to keep my healthy limits because I have an unconscious need that I am – unconsciously – trying to satisfy and I have the belief that I have to give up my limits.”
3. Let’s go one level deeper into this belief: “I need to open up. I need to let that person come close (I need to go closer) so that I can have my needs met finally from her or him. From her or him…” 

Try it out. Use your self-awareness and self-observation and decide for yourself whether it has merit in your life.

Some possible needs that I want to satisfy

The need to feel that deep oneness with the other

We all want to experience this deep, happy, gentle togetherness. If we are lucky then we get enough of it – so much that we become certain that this oneness is always there in our life. Most of us do not find that we have enough of this. And we want to use every opportunity to get it and we certainly want to experience this through our relationships.  

My need to rescue the other

This has to do with fear. It sounds romantic that I want to rescue the other but what is happening probably is that I am afraid to be left alone. Psychologists say that ‘rescuers’ mirror their need to be rescued.

My fear of losing my safety

Look at this in an abstract way. For many of us, this feeling is much in front of us that we do not realize that this may be our main theme. 

My anger

Is my anger because I feel that my limits are actually invaded? Or am I angry because I don’t get what I want (and the very reason I open up my limits is to get what I want)? Both can cause anger. And countless other things. 

What I may experience when my limits are developing

• Fear. I will sometimes want to go back to being ‘dependent’. It is because I got used to that state. I will catch myself faster by the day when I fall back and it will become easier to be comfortable in my new reality as I practice it. 
• Change in my relationships. For the better for me but maybe not for everybody around me. Those who want to control or manipulate me will probably want to drag me back.
• More empathy. (This may sound controversial.) I am able to listen to the other person more genuinely because I am less concerned about myself. Keeping my own limits will actually help others to learn from me and keep theirs too. Not in my old ways but I will be able to help others much better too. Oh: Having healthy limits doesn’t mean that I lose empathy. It has to do with how I use my limits.
• More self-confidence. Certainly.

(This article doesn’t discuss situations like when your limits were or are currently seriously abused, the many ways we understand limits, the positive side effects of having loose or weak limits, etc.)

• • • Fear

    • Shame

    • Anger

    • I feel like a victim.

    • Sadness

    • Confusion

    • Panic

    • I don’t know what I am feeling.

    • I am muted

What it is and its usage

This is a quick list that you can use to help yourself identify what you are feeling or thinking. Self-observation only works in the present so grab this post at the very moment you go into your self-observation and are sure what you are feeling/thinking. 

Notes

The above list is high-level, and obviously, you may miss the exact emotion or thought that you are looking for. Also, it doesn’t contain a cause-and-effect relationship. (Like, you identify that you are feeling shame, but this list doesn’t try to give further possible clues why you may be feeling it.)

The above list is intentionally not bolded and written with not too high a font size because you may need to grab it in public and not want others to see what you are doing.  

My consciousness and me

My consciousness is me in fact. If I have this image that there is my consciousness and there is me, then I am separating myself from consciousness. What a trick. ‘Me’, trying to convince myself that I need to get there. 

When I realize that my emotions, thoughts, body, and ‘constructs’ are also part of me then I can start to stop this crazy fight. 

This has something to do with letting go. Or with forgiveness. Or with love.

I can acknowledge that my thoughts, emotions, body, etc. are also part of me. I don’t have to feel disgusted about them and try to get rid of them, or be angry at them, or feel ashamed of them. They are part of me. And maybe those parts of me are suffering. It can be a better idea to see them and acknowledge them – and through this acknowledgment help them to run their course.

I can feel consciousness any time

It is this inner feeling or image that is described many times as a presence, a gentle energy field, as God, as space, as some subtle joy that is in us and around us.

It is not that hard to feel it. It is my emotions, thoughts, and other ‘constructs’ that occupy my attention and sometimes I forget that this consciousness is always there.