I have had a hard time admitting that despite the amount of energy I put into developing myself, I did not seem to make lasting progress. There were times when I felt I was making real progress but I “fell back”. And there have been parts of my life where I found I simply could not make any progress and was just “going circles” without meaningful results. I had the chance to talk about this honestly with like-minded people and kept hearing pretty much the same: “I don’t know why my self-development doesn’t seem to progress.”

In this article, I do not want to talk about the probably understandable frustration that comes when we all want more progress. But rather the painful fact that it is possible that we cannot make progress for a long time. And why it may be.

The below are two just ideas. I do not suggest by any measure that they are universally true for everyone. Please treat them as such.

Idea #1: Trauma

Trauma keeps us blocked. And we keep going back to it, bumping into it. Until the trauma is released, the ‘block’ will stay there. 

(Even if we are truly aware of what our trauma is, we may not be able to release it for a very very long time. We are afraid to face it, we may need to fully understand it, work on it a lot, ask for help, go through it. I am not talking about this situation in this article. There is progress here, there is work being done – even if we argued that one doesn’t put enough work into it, doesn’t take it serious.)

But trauma can be tricky in a number of ways, to say the least: 

You are not aware that you are traumatized

“It is hard to understand the evidence if I don’t know what crime has been committed.” So simply put, you are not applying the right approach. I appreciate that there could be a lot of depth to discuss here, but this article is not an in-depth discussion about trauma.

You are not able to phrase your trauma or have a “twist” in your thinking

So you are aware that you are traumatized but you can only phrase it in a vague and shady way. This is very common. (I would argue that this is probably common with childhood trauma from which we usually do not have a clear memory. So what happens is that you have a hard time knowing what you need to work on exactly to make the next step in your self-development.

About the “twist” in your thinking note: As a result of trauma it is common that we form a mindset (logic if you will) that is not real – it was an “answer” back when the traumatic event(s) happened, but in fact it does not resemble reality.  (Again, just a high-level description of what may be blocking you from connecting the dots about something.)

Idea #2: Disorganized attachment style

Have you ever heard of attachment styles? There are four patterns of attachment (Ambivalent, Avoidant, Disorganized, Secure), and the Disorganized Attachment Style is very common. It brings a level of confusion, disorientation, lack of clarity into our life. I personally think that a disorganized way of relating to the world around is a major obstacle to progress. I know it sounds overly simplified but this is how I put it for myself: “How do I know if I am doing the right thing if I am disorganized?”. 

(If you want to read more about Attachment Theory, here is a good article: “What is Attachment Theory?“)

(I would like to highlight again that the above are only ideas or food for thought to find why someone may not be progressing with their self-development.)

Writing a personal diary is one of the most effective tools for anyone seeking more self-awareness, a more organized, and happier life. 

Below, I am offering a twist, a different approach to writing a personal diary. I believe the approach, tips, and ideas below can make a huge difference. 

The goal

The goal of this type of personal diary is to consciously help your own self to become more self-aware and understand yourself better.

The ‘thing’ to do

You will want to write down 

• Your questions about your own self, behavior, challenges, struggles – to yourself. And your inner dialogue, self-reflections about these.
• Your recognitions of yourself.
• Your wins and positive changes.

Tips

Use basic wording and short sentences 

This may sound controversial, and I am not saying that this is the only way at all. We are all different, and certainly do what works best for you. Anyway, here is why I think this can be very effective:

• It forces you to “cook” your thoughts.
• It helps to concentrate.
• You can be quick. 

Consider using a physical paper diary

• This way it is not your phone that you grab for – You enter your own world, different from that bloody phone for a while. Having a dedicated tool only for this purpose helps you get into the right mindset. 

Always keep your diary with you

• Consider using a small diary that can maybe even fit in your pocket.
• When I don’t have my diary with me, I just simply use my phone. 

Grab it quickly when the recognition comes

• Don’t wait! Recognition comes quickly and goes quickly. Use your diary to grab the moment.
• You may never even read what you wrote down again, but the act of writing it down helps it to go deeper.

Your diary is yours, no one else’s

• Don’t show it to anyone. Don’t tell anyone that you have one.
• You will be surprised how much you will enjoy having your own secrets.

Results you can expect

• The act of writing them down and not ‘just thinking of them once’ makes your recognitions much more conscious. Expect more clarity, more depth, more dots connected.
• You will have your personal method that will give a conscious frame to your inner work. 

Did you ever consciously or unconsciously ask yourself these questions? Why don’t I fit in the world around me? Why do I feel like an outsider? Is there something wrong with me that I am not able to ‘feel good’ like others?  

Good news number one

There are far far more people who feel this way than most of us think. (And they pretty much do the same thing: Try to hide that they don’t fit in.)

Good news number two 

What do I exactly not fit into? A sick environment? Good!!

So not fitting may actually be a strong sign that I am healthy in mind.

I have been thinking quite some why this matter is actually so painful. Here is a work-in-progress list of thoughts.

We are social beings and we want to belong. 

Be it our family of origin, our workplace, country, and so on – most of the people I talk with on this (and who have thought it over to some degree) agree that they see the same level of dysfunctionality in all of those environments.  So we are left with this seemingly intractable conflict that we don’t want to leave the environments we found ourselves in but we are suffering in it.

Shame

We can very easily feel shame and think that there is something wrong with us when we see that many people behave and think very differently from us. 

Sadness

It is sad to realize that some people are so unconscious that this thought of not fitting in doesn’t even come close to them in their lives. I know it sounds opinionated and I understand that it is probably my problem that I would like to ‘save’ people. Nevertheless it is there and I hear other people have a hard time with this too.

Spiritual bankruptcy and depression

(The term is not mine and I read it first when I read about shame but it may belong here too.) We come to this world with full of potential, with an open heart and benevolent intentions and it seems as if the more we are open the more we seem to get robbed. 

Any way out?

I admit this is a tricky question and I am using it to provoke myself a bit further. 

So how do I – WE – find our way out? 

I think that we found the way out. Right the minute when we became conscious that we do not fit in. I take that as good news number three. The problem is not with us.

(There could be so many other things that we could talk about when we think about why we do not fit in. Like how the social systems we built are a mirror of humanity’s thought patterns and how we could change them; Or what coping mechanisms people use to compensate this. Maybe later, or in a separate post. Nevertheless one thing I trust we can all agree on: Any form of aggression is nor an acceptable, neither a proper ‘coping mechanism’.)