Is this the brave new world that Gen Z people are building for themselves? They do not seem to have the motivation to thrive. They aren’t exactly interested in making a career. They aren’t very much interested in building families. They do not have much respect for the values that previous generations built to hold our social fabric together. No respect for hierarchy, no respect for achievements. They are simply lazy with no outlook on life. 

WHAT?? NO!!!

Gen Z folks simply don’t t buy into the current ways we live. They don’t buy into the toxic, inhuman, and painful rules by which we live. 

Don’t they have the motivation to thrive, make more money, and have a great career? Maybe they just simply see how ridiculously stupid and toxic the world of work has become. 

Aren’t they interested in building families? Well, maybe they already have a deeper, intrinsic understanding there also that the way we do it currently sucks. 

Not much respect? No, they do have respect. But in things that they find more value in. And not for the sake of keeping the status quo.

Do they consciously know what they are doing? I am not sure. I think that deep down, they know they don’t want what they see. What matters is that they are doing it and bringing a change. 

Do they suffer? Yes. The world they came into isn’t exactly what they imagined. 

Are they lazy? Let’s not mistake depression or lack of motivation to do shit for laziness.

Gen Z is a new wave of people. My personal opinion is that this new wave is making a real change. 

The sign that I am focusing on the right thing for me is when it requires little effort. Or no effort at all.

I think it is because then I don’t need to spend energy thinking about all the ‘ifs’, the plan Bs, how to protect myself, how I should do it differently, and so on. 

It just comes naturally without an itchy feeling and all sorts of thoughts. 

I realize that fear is a call for love. I understand now that fear is a call for help. The help I need is to be able to feel love.

My fear exists to help me to remember. My fear exists to be transformed into what I call for. I transform it into love. That is its job, its reason for its existence.

I will remember the next time fear hits me that it came to help me remember and transform.

I see this in others too.

“The mindset change for true success in my life comes from the recognition that I have to walk away from things that are not for me.” If this resonates with you then this post may be valuable for you now.

Take it as a truly valuable step that you realize you do things that are not for you. After this – not so easy – recognition, it probably already sounds obvious that it is hard to be successful in something that is not natural for you.

For most of us, our first idea is to push harder in what we do currently or search for what to do that will make us happy and successful. And these tactics usually do not work. Why? Because our current thought patterns will most likely get us to the same place again where we are now. 

What can help rather is this deep recognition that may be described in a short thought as ‘I am fed up.’. When I have such an ‘Ok, I am done.‘ moment, then I have a window of opportunity to realize that it is actually the situation that is flawed. Not me.

• Are you angry currently? Cool. That is not only a healthy feeling but also your power. That will help you to say bye-bye to wonderland. Just make sure you don’t hurt anyone or anything. Use your anger to transform your life for the better. 
• Are you depressed? You can use that pain to realize what to let go of. And what to let happen… 
• Will it be fearful to walk away? Yes, because you are walking away from things – read beliefs – that you probably chose so that you feel safe.

The majority of people don’t do what they really like and aren’t happy (about 98%). But they act as if they were. I am just saying this here so that maybe you don’t fall into this trap as many times as I did. That I tried to copy other people – ‘the happy and successful ones’. And ended up in misery.

Maybe you feel like an outsider. And that may just mean that you are connecting the dots and so you are creating the opportunity you want for yourself. 

(This article is about one major recognition, but you may be looking for a deeper understanding of why you do things that are not for you. That is beyond the scope of this article but I dare to recommend you to look around this site. A lot of content here can help you in your search. One of the best ways to gain awareness and take things into your own hand is self-observation. SelfChatter is about that. Here are two tips if you fancy: Quick help for self-observation and The strength of phrasing my thoughts in a short and basic way.)

I want to be better than others. Why? Below is an ideation of its causes. If you are coming to the realization that this is a core problem of yours then this post may help you to move closer to it. It only may as certainly, the job is to find your own thoughts and beliefs that cause this and realize them deeply.

(These are provocative statements for the sake of triggering a change.)

Why do I want to be better than others?

• I have made it the core goal of my life.
  • This is useful. But why did I do that? Where does it come from? Not everybody has this wish. There must be a personal reason.
• It feels good to think this way.
  • Ok, but why? What is this good feeling that I get from it? Is it some kind of satisfaction that I finally made it? (Ah, ok, so there is a goal that I set for myself.)
• I come from a poor family.
  • This is how I want to help my family…
  • This is how I don’t want to be like my family members…
• I have the inner feeling that it is just simply true. And I am waiting for it to happen finally.
  • Am I absolutely sure that I am superior to others?
• I hate feeling that I am worse than others.
  • I never want to feel this way.
  • My logic is that I am either better or worse. And this is how I see others think also.
• I know that there is a thing called a superiority complex and the cause is that deep down I feel inferior.
  • I feel no deepness in this statement.
• It feels good to think that people look up to me.
  • I have this inner image that people look at me and respect me. More than respect actually: Admiration. And a bit of envy. Oh, that also feels good.
• I don’t want to face my reality.
  • This is a good escape if I think that I am better than others.
  • (I realize that this is not a cause.)
• This thought has formed in the past.
• Actually, I do not tell people that I am better than them. I want them to see it. I think they see it.
  • I even act kind, generous, and helpful. Mostly. This is how superior people behave, right?
• I am realizing that this belief is ruining my relationships and other parts of my life.
• I am afraid I will never get rid of this. It is so much part of me.
  • (Kind note: There is nothing wrong with you. It is a belief. Not you. Maybe I can prove it; Think this over: Somebody in you said this sentence “I am afraid I will never get rid of this”. Somebody in you is already ‘dis-identifying’ from it.)
• Fill in this line…

It is all about achievement in our society

It would be hard not to see. This post is not about why our cultures and societies contain this currently. Anyways, if you are presently working on figuring out why you cannot achieve what you want, then this post may be of interest to you. 

“The reason why I can’t achieve what I want is that I actually don’t think at my core that this is good enough for me.” If this resonates with you then this post may be for you. It takes courage, honesty, and quite a level of deepness to realize that this is your challenge in my opinion. And this realization may present an opportunity to solve this conflict of yours and move on finally.

The below may be useful, and as it is many times with posts on SelfChatter, the idea is to trigger thinking and inner work.

My ego’s way

My ego may create this image that I want this thing. But for my ego, this is a question of choice. If I am in victim consciousness or feel I am not worth it, then my ego can use this goal that I want to achieve ‘against’ me – in other words, reinforce the need for its existence by compromising success. Strengthen my victim consciousness, low self-esteem, and alike. So my ego whispers “This is not good enough for you, you deserve better.”

My True Self’s way

Now my True Self works in a different way. If my wish comes from my True Self, it will respond to it. What do I mean with this exactly in the context of “I actually don’t think at the core that this thing I want is good enough for me?” I mean exactly what the thought says: My True Self realizes that it is not good enough for me. This is actually pretty good news if I think it over. My True Self knows exactly what is good for me and it cannot be tricked, manipulated, destroyed, or harmed in any way.   

A side note: I could look at this as a protective function of my True Self. But if I think about conscious manifestation then it is not about protection. My True Self simply only responds to things that are good for me. Not because it selects for me, but because it chooses only to see wishes that are wholehearted, and made out of love. My True Self doesn’t need protection (and it doesn’t matter if you think of it as a standalone being or as one that is in interplay and in co-creation with God).

One logical question

“But I do achieve things that turn out to be bad or unsuccessful for me later. How about that?”

1. In this post, I am writing about consciously knowing what I want and not about the unconscious wandering of my mind.
2. I cannot be sure that the things I deem bad or unsuccessful are really invaluable. It is true that it takes a lot of consciousness to connect the dots. 

An unmet need

(Let me just put into context what I mean by an unmet need here. My needs that result in things like Feeling unloved, feeling not being worthy, thinking that I am not able to make it, etc.)

When the thing that I want to achieve is formed because of an unmet need I have, then I don’t think it is likely that I will get it. Why?

• The ego’s response: My unmet needs are “in my ego’s territory”, and so it is likely that my ego will respond, and chances are that my ego formed my wish. And my ego will surface my unmet needs. Until I solve them, integrate them.   
• My True Self’s response: My True Self responds to things that I am wholeheartedly asking for. A “dirty” example of why my True Self will not respond (or not how I want): Say that I want to win the lottery. If this wish is because of an unmet need then it is not money that I want actually. But people’s admiration, respect, love, feeling safe, or whatever my logic is what that money will bring me.

Shame

This may be the reason why you came to this post. 

When I have this “not good enough” thinking then it can be that I have toxic shame. Why? The way I look at the outside world comes from my inner world, the way I look at myself. If I look at myself as “not good enough” then it is very likely that I project this to the world around me. Then my failures to achieve things are opportunities to realize how I think about myself.

Most of our suffering comes from our relationships and spending time alone means you lock out your human relationships from your life on a physical level. So by spending time alone you can help yourself in starting to heal your relationship issues and grow your level of consciousness.

Spending time alone is probably one of the best ‘tools’ to do inner work and to develop. In this post, I concentrate mostly on how spending time alone can help you to heal your relationship issues. I do this with good intentions and I do not mean to imply that spending time alone is only about this. There is a lot more to it. 

Why is it hard for some people to spend time alone?

It is like giving up an addiction

Our relationship traumas, unmet needs, resentments, etc. ‘create’ forms of dependencies towards others. We have unmet – relationship – needs and we turn to others to have those needs met. When you intentionally ‘lock out’ others from your life for a while then you do the same thing as stopping an addiction, a dependency. And this is the main reason why it is so hard for some of us to spend time alone. All the pain, fear, confusion – you name it – can kick in. 

The fear of losing your safety

We look at our human relationships as our primary source of safety. No wonder we can develop an intense fear of losing our safety when we decide to be alone. This subject also goes a long way, let me just only mention it here to make it conscious for us. 

The shame element

I like spending time alone, I am like this since my childhood. And I have received countless ‘comments’ on how much of a loner I am. It took quite some energy to understand that with these ‘comments’ people try to shame me. Well, I did develop shame. Until I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Today I meet more and more people who not only see the value of being alone but are already free of this twisted logic that “If someone enjoys being alone then it means that person is not social.” Put in another way: “You must ‘be’ social the way we understand it, otherwise you don’t belong to us…”  

Spending time alone doesn’t mean you are antisocial

It is quite the opposite. You just stop being needy. It is a healthy social trait when someone intentionally refrains from projecting their neediness onto others.

Also, if you like spending time alone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t want to or don’t like to socialize. You may just like to socialize with others for good reasons like helping others, teaming up for a common cause, or simply enjoying others’ company without wanting anything ‘in return’. In this respect, it is a bit strange to call someone sociable who ‘socializes’ with others because of some unmet relationship needs. 

(The Covid lockdowns were a forced ‘spend time alone’ period for many of us. And though it has been painful I believe it had positive effects too. Have you heard of this phenomenon called the Great Resignation? )

Why is it valuable to spend time alone? The benefits that you can expect

• Expect to become a truly social person
  • Expect to develop true compassion towards other people. A different perspective from neediness.
• You will enjoy your own company
  • If you are reading this article because you just can’t imagine how being alone can be joyful then I have this good news: You will eventually come closer to your own Self and will realize that actually you are the most enjoyable person in your life. 
• Expect to become calmer and have more self-confidence
  • Just saying this so that you don’t get surprised by new perspectives. 
• Your thinking will become clearer
• Your relationships will evolve and you will form healthier ones
• You will become more emotionally and mentally independent
• You stop being alone because you can’t be with others
  • I mean: If you were alone before because you could not be in a relationship then this may change. If you choose so. 
• Expect to be different from those who are addicted to relationships
  • Just a heads up that your view and understanding will change. For the better. Nevertheless, chances are that it will be scary for a long time because most people (well above 90% of us) are addicted to relationships, and situations will want to ‘suck you back’.

How to get the most out of spending time alone?

We are all different and as you can see this article is not about how to live the life of a hermit. Still, there can be some useful advice, which I could maybe sum up in one sentence: “Do not chicken out until you start enjoying it.”

Anyways, here are some that most people find useful

• Create silence around you. 
• Try not to switch on the tv, social media, and the like (Ever wondered how today’s social media platforms lure people in?).
• Try not to overeat, buy things you don’t need, etc.). Instead, try to use the opportunity to look deeper at your cravings. 
• Spend time in nature. Or maybe just walk and enjoy doing the ‘nothing’. 
• Have a rhythm. It helps in many ways. The key is to be conscious about it, not rigid.
• Exercise consciousness. Something tells me it won’t be very hard for you. I can list things like meditation, yoga, jogging, playing a musical instrument, etc. We are all different; anything that you enjoy and what helps you go deeper. 

The reason why self-confidence is important is that it enables you to decide and act freely. It mobilizes you and helps you to break through.

Without it, your actions (more importantly the thoughts and emotions that result in your actions) will not fully come from your true Self but from your self-binding thoughts. This way your actions will lead to results that are not the best for you.

Let’s define self-confidence

I define self-confidence in two.

The absence of self-doubt

I define the absence of self-doubt as the inner knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. 

The desire to do what is right

Whether I believe in some universal morals or not, I can hardly imagine self-confidence without this desire. I cannot exactly define what I mean by “do what is right”. The closest I can point to is kindness. The word desire is also important…

They are interconnected but not the same. One can exist without the other but only one will not result in self-confidence. The absence of self-doubt is a state of mind, and the desire to do what is right is a personal trait. They together give the feeling of being alive and making a breakthrough that makes us so free when we have self-confidence. The inner knowing that we are doing something life-giving.

What self-confidence is not

• Self-confidence is not puffed-up pride. 
• Self-confidence is not fearlessness. 
• Self-confidence is not about thinking that you know better or you are better.
• Self-confidence is not about thinking that you are all-knowing.
• The strongest sign of self-confidence is our ability to realize our shortcomings.
• …  

Does this resonate with you? “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.”

I am trying to phrase the same thing in another way: “I am afraid to relax because then I would not know what to do.”

Maybe one step further?: “My stress keeps me together and I am afraid I would lose control if I relaxed.”

One step further?: “I can’t relax because I am afraid I would lose my consciousness.” – to me personally, this is the closest to reality. This is pretty paradoxical.

(One more: “I can’t relax because I am afraid my life would open up too much.”)

Understanding of causes and effects

Depending on how deep you go there are different understandings about the same question. 

I could have given this answer: “I can’t relax because I am stressed.”. Probably true. And then my job would be to find why I am stressed, and eliminate it. 

But the above doesn’t say this. It says the “Obstacle I have is my fear of losing my present life”. I personally believe that this understanding is one step further than the one that states that the core of my problem is my stress. Why? Because the thought “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.” doesn’t state why I cannot relax but it already states what effect my inability to relax will have. And that implicitly means – there is a good probability – that you have already ‘cooked’ this question already in yourself. I know it may sound pompous.

It also explicitly means that you are already interested in the next step. And also maybe you have no problem staying in the tension that your present inability to relax causes you. 

(There is no problem in staying on a ‘higher level’ – it is not a race. Maybe that is what you need to solve what makes you suffer. But if the suffering doesn’t end, chances are there is a need to go deeper.)

Phrasing my problem and my answer to why it is happening

Note: All the above cause-and-effect reasoning may sound very logical but the thing is that insights come out of our ‘no thingness’ – our consciousness. Maybe what happens is that we are, or we become capable of receiving and understanding some things. 

Anyways. Do I need to be able to phrase my problem? We are all different so my answer is: Not necessarily verbally. Maybe in another way. But you need to express it, name it, and paint a picture in your mind. When you do that, you create an opportunity for yourself to let that thing go. Actually more than letting it go, but integrating it. You become more ‘anti-fragile’ when you process it.  

I have written a separate article about an effective method of how to phrase my problems. It is here: The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way. This article also contains a useful method: What is behind my constant restlessness? 

The work to be done

We all wish it was so easy to become conscious about a problem without much labor. I singlehandedly figured out that until this happens, there is hard work to be done…

The above is just one idea of why you may have a hard time relaxing. So here are some other starting points. I am putting in some links to other articles on Self Chatter as to a large extent this site is about understanding ourselves. 

Fear, anxiety

It sounds obvious and this is why it is important. My experience shows that I just simply miss the ‘obvious’ in trying to figure out why I can’t relax and why my thoughts are constantly racing. 

Am I in some form of panic?

Am I afraid of losing my safety?

Hustle culture

Today’s culture demands us to always be on the edge. We do not necessarily have to have any personal challenges in our life; It is all too easy to fall victim to the hustle culture around us.  

Confusion

I find that this is important. I believe that one of the leading causes of why we can hardly relax comes from our confusion. It is so easy to overlook that “My main problem is that I am confused.” because – Well… Because I am confused and do not know what to do. It is like my confusion is sitting on top of everything. 

Inherited behavior, mindset

Put simply, we inherit unfinished business and behaviors. Nothing that we have ‘done’, things were just passed on to us. The main reason it is hard to connect those dots and become conscious of them is that they have been with us since childhood.

Shame, expectations towards me

Clues: Shame easily causes us to be on constant alert. Shame keeps us thinking all the time. Shame is a form of fear. 

There is a connection to the above ‘Inherited behavior, mindset’ chapter: Shame is intergenerational. 

My anger and tension because I don’t get what I want

Again, it sounds obvious. Don’t we get tense if we do not get what we want? Imagine if this need is unconscious: What if we just have a constant feeling that we are lacking something in our life but we don’t know what? Here is an article on this: I have been waiting all my life. 

Yes, by the deep oneness I am looking for I probably think of the same thing as you do. This kind, gentle, joyful, happy state of being where I feel that I am totally connected with something. I could give this something many names. But more importantly, what I feel about it is that it is alive. And it is very happy being with me. And it has some kind intentions toward me. Maybe intentions is not the best word, but wishes. And this something is so fragile that it is anti-fragile. And it is so kind that it has become indestructible. I am not a poet, but I trust you see this.

The best name I and many others could give this something is consciousness.

The oneness with my mother

Since I started to connect the dots in my life, I understood that my biggest challenge has been my relationship with my mother. Many of us go down this path in our self-development when we go back to our early childhood and make the cause-and-effect relationships between those early days and our present life. This post is not about this path but I would like to talk about one very important thing in relation to this article: As a child, we are all looking for this oneness. And we are looking for this through the person who we are the closest to – luckily for me it was my mother. This is one – if not the – major need we have before we can get to the next steps in our development. 

I did not think I got enough of this deep oneness with my mother. And a shift happened with me. I realized that my mother did give me the deep oneness, and togetherness that I was looking for. As much as a human being is capable. Now I understand that I was able to experience it through my relationship with her. I can clearly feel it at any time. She did all she could and she does love me. Even if she is fallible like all of us, it does not matter – I did get it through my relationship with her.

It has been a long time since I felt this sense of liberation when I understood this – I mean that I have been loved. I also understood that this deep oneness that I am looking for is not something that another human being can fully give me. I am not sure which happened first: My deeper understanding of my relationship with my mother or my deeper understanding of this ‘something’ I am looking for.   Maybe they happened together. Either way, through our human relationships we can get a glimpse, a peep into it so that we start to ‘remember’ that it exists. Today I look at it as one quality of my independence that I can feel this ‘alone’ – I don’t need anybody, anything external to feel this.

The fall

There is some cut from this oneness today. For a reason. We were in a deeper connection with this oneness before and recently we have turned away from it – perhaps in our quest for more individuation? I am not sure if this separation is one natural step in our development or a ‘mistake’ that should be corrected. But I do see that there is a shift happening and I do believe that this shift is happening independently from our current ego-based, ‘control-seeking’ setup. And I do believe that it is something truly good for us.