“I don’t know what I want from life because somewhere along the way I got used to the idea that I cannot get what I really want.” If this thought resonates with you then this post may be valuable to you.  

I got used to going for Plan B. And somewhere along the way, this thought solidified in me. It became my mindset, my primary way of looking at my life. And I lost sight of ‘Plan A’ – which is my inner knowing of what I really want. I may have lost sight of it to the extent that I kind of don’t even remember that such a thing exists.

How and why did it happen? 

What were the steps that made me develop this behavior that I got used to going for ‘Plan B’?

First step: It happened due to some form of fear. Phrased in an elementary way: ‘I did not get what I wanted and I got scared.’

(Why didn’t this happen?: ‘I did not get what I want and I got angry.’ Actually, maybe this happened. And my anger – or maybe not my anger, but my very strong drive – helped me to push more and get what I wanted. And maybe I did have success. But the fact that I am here and reading these lines suggests that I do have a deficit.)

Next step: I did not get what I wanted and I developed a sense of loss. And as result, I got depressed and have given up. What do I mean by ‘I did not get what I wanted.’? : Take it abstractly. I had a need that was not met. This need may be unconscious. It doesn’t need to be something physical (I believe it usually isn’t), or also it can be something that I wanted more of but did not get enough.

Next step: I developed the belief that ‘I just cannot get what I really want. This is my life.’ This became my reality. Why did I form this belief? I formed this as my coping mechanism. We need to cope and make sense of the world.

(Imagine that you already had a strong and developed self when those experiences happened to you. Chances are that your belief – your conclusion about what has happened to you – would be closer to something like this: ‘This sucks but I understand that I cannot always get what I want. But there is nothing wrong with me. I will change my behavior and situation so that I can get what I want.’ (Strangely, I think it can also be that I got too much of something that I did not want. And after all, it had the same effect because I could not ‘identify’ with what I got (‘This is not what I want and it is not a substitute.’). )

Next step: Since this is my belief about my life, the world around me is ‘mirroring’ this mindset back to me. I see things through this lens and gravitate toward such situations. 

The hiding places of this belief

Just ideas. I am only listing painful things to trigger self-observation and I am sorry. I am doing it with the best intentions.

I am a people pleaser and act as a very empathic person

Since I have a sense of lack I develop this tactic to get what I want – which will inevitably lead to ‘Plan B’. Perhaps the unhealthy opposite of narcissism. 

I criticize almost everything

It is hard for me not to criticize – since I am on ‘Plan B’ usually. A way of coping.

I do not stay in relationships, I may be a job hopper

I think that this is a way of coping – an attempt to ‘escape’, and change my situation for the better. There is some good news here: I act, I am looking for a change, I am looking for my way out. A big difference compared to being muted and still.

I have low self-confidence; I may overreact to things more than average; ‘I feel like waiting all my life’, prone to depression, etc.

The list could go on. A sense of loss can result in a thousand ways of suffering.

Bottom line: The reason why I don’t know what I want is because there is something blocking it. I believe that this block is this sense of lack most of the time.

The good news

There is nothing wrong with you! You picked up some behaviors that helped you in the past but they do not anymore. That’s it. If you are a little bit like most of us then you developed a belief that helped you to cope and make sense of things. The fact that you are reading these lines is probably a strong indication that you are already processing your sense of loss and letting it go – This makes all the difference!

As you realize your own self-worth more, you will go less and less for things that you don’t want actually. This will be intoxicating.

In my experience I do not look for what I want; It comes automatically and from a healthy sense of self-confidence.

Hidden in the good news is a bit of work needed maybe: Even if it is understandable that I developed this mindset that I automatically go for ‘Plan B’, it is still my behavior; I am doing it. It takes a high level of courage to realize that ‘S..t, I am doing this, not someone else…’ When I get to this realization, it is an indication that I am on the other side of this already.

What works for me

1. When I understand this: It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what I want. What matters is how I want to feel and think. Maybe in other words: My job with myself is to create the circumstances in me so that it reveals itself. 
2. When I catch myself that again I am automatically going for ‘Plan B’.
3. And when I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way.

I assume that the reason you are reading this article is because you heard of conscious manifestation, and probably even tried it, but you did not yet have much ‘success’ with it. For all the reasons, the subject of conscious manifestation has become hype. I also assume that you are researching the subject and so I would like to briefly kick in what I think of Conscious Manifestation so far.

The main element that makes Conscious Manifestation work

if I want to distill it into one sentence: Conscious manifestation works when I get into the mindset that the ‘thing’ I want is already mine. (Teachers like Eckhart Tolle or Neville Goddard could describe this much better than I can.)

Why it doesn’t work

Simply put: It is my ego that wants to manifest. What happens is that my ego rejects my wish. No wonder, as it is probably quite the opposite of what my ego believes in. If I take the usual example that most of us can relate to – Money: If my mindset is such that “I am poor”, “not worthy of financial abundance”, “it is so hard to make money”, etc. then good luck to me in trying to convince my ego about the exact opposite. 

What may work

Before asking what I wish for, I make a conscious step to eliminate what is blocking my wish to manifest: I ask my Real, True Self (instead of my ego) to bring to my consciousness my inner knowing that in my core I have everything, I am complete. Why? Because my True Self does know that this is true. And when this realization reaches my consciousness my whole being will know it and act accordingly. 

My Real, Inner Self just does not respond to things like ‘Why can’t I achieve what I want?’.  Luckily, it ‘cannot’ respond to a wish that contains a lack.

(This is not the subject of this article but for the record: I personally do not subscribe to the concept or need to become ‘ego-less’. I rather believe in a well-developed, mature self. It may sound paradoxical, but a well-developed ego helps to reach higher levels of consciousness and deeper spirituality. I have a brief article on this here.)

“The reason why I have no motivation to thrive is that I do not think that it is worth it anymore.” If this thought resonates with you then this post may be for you.

The dependency trap

• “My will to thrive is dependent on the world around me. Especially on people, and people who are the closest to me can have the biggest negative effect on my motivation.” 
• “I get a kick of motivation, go full in on it, and then something happens and I lose it. The main thought I have is that it is not worth it.”
• “I explained an insight that I had to my partner and he/she did not understand or was not interested in it. It made me angry and then later depressed.”

If the above examples trigger you or you find a resemblance of some sort in your life then it can be that you are in a stage of what is called co-dependency or counter-dependency. To make a long story short, it is a normal stage of development and one of its main characteristics is that we are emotionally dependent on another person and we want the other person to satisfy a need we have. It is normal and healthy in the sense that we all go through it early in life and it is not normal in the sense that most of us stay in these stages in adulthood. It is so widespread that we do not realize that it is not normal. 

When I am in a “dependent state of mind” it is because I have a need from an external source. There is nothing and nobody in the external world who can always give me what I want and is always trustable. So it is properly easy to lose motivation in this state of mind. 

The good news is that even if you are in this state, there is nothing wrong with you, however painful it may be.

Internal motivation to thrive and the True Self

There is such a thing as internal motivation. This comes from my True Self. My True Self is independent. And it can choose to be mutually dependent with others on top of its own independence.

I know when my motivation comes from my True Self: It feels so easy, it is very alive, it is strong, it is happy, it is natural to me. It doesn’t tire me like a motivation that comes from my False Self. I barely even can or want to rationalize why I want to thrive. I know that it is my natural state.  

(I think that all motivation is internal ultimately. We just may have some glitches here and there.)

Does my ego or my True Self motivate me?

You may not subscribe to the above explanation of “dependency, stages of development, and unmet needs”.

Maybe this one is closer to you: The ego isn’t real. And so its motivation to thrive isn’t real either. Even if I thrive through the ego, it will not last. The ego works with our fears and so its function is to keep those fear “alive”. So the ego will just not let true motivation and true success last because that would mean an end to its existence. On the other hand, the True Self can only work with true motivation. And that does bring the ultimate happiness that I want to experience through my successes.

Since the ego wants something completely different than my True Self, I shall not have such a strategy that I am ok to have a bit of both. 

A way out that worked for me

I am the type who always wants to figure out how things work – and why they don’t work and what is the problem. And I have always wanted to ‘pass’ on what I learned as this is giving me the biggest joy. Pretty early in life, I bumped into this pattern of mine that “I am excited to share something and happily acknowledge that the other person received it and got equally happy with it, but instead I get non-understanding, non-interest, ridiculing, and alike.”. (This is a sort of “Drama of the Gifted Child”. I am not gifted more than anyone else. We are all gifted and it is so frequent that we lose it.)

So I developed this mindset where I felt that all my life was about waiting for something to happen, and probably I don’t have much value in what I think and do (and ultimately in myself). So you may imagine I was jumping between trying to do it “better” or getting depressed. 

Until I could finally see that the source of most of my problems was that I chose not to live out of my True Self. This came when I understood and decided that the only choice I have is to live my True Self. A couple of other things also happened – maybe in parallel or one after the other, I don’t know: I understood that there is nothing wrong if people do not get as equally excited about what I am describing them. Nothing wrong with them and nothing wrong with me. I also developed more resilience. Painful things do not touch me as hard. I enjoy being my True Self more and more by the day.

• • • Fear

    • Shame

    • Anger

    • I feel like a victim.

    • Sadness

    • Confusion

    • Panic

    • I don’t know what I am feeling.

    • I am muted

What it is and its usage

This is a quick list that you can use to help yourself identify what you are feeling or thinking. Self-observation only works in the present so grab this post at the very moment you go into your self-observation and are sure what you are feeling/thinking. 

Notes

The above list is high-level, and obviously, you may miss the exact emotion or thought that you are looking for. Also, it doesn’t contain a cause-and-effect relationship. (Like, you identify that you are feeling shame, but this list doesn’t try to give further possible clues why you may be feeling it.)

The above list is intentionally not bolded and written with not too high a font size because you may need to grab it in public and not want others to see what you are doing.  

My consciousness and me

My consciousness is me in fact. If I have this image that there is my consciousness and there is me, then I am separating myself from consciousness. What a trick. ‘Me’, trying to convince myself that I need to get there. 

When I realize that my emotions, thoughts, body, and ‘constructs’ are also part of me then I can start to stop this crazy fight. 

This has something to do with letting go. Or with forgiveness. Or with love.

I can acknowledge that my thoughts, emotions, body, etc. are also part of me. I don’t have to feel disgusted about them and try to get rid of them, or be angry at them, or feel ashamed of them. They are part of me. And maybe those parts of me are suffering. It can be a better idea to see them and acknowledge them – and through this acknowledgment help them to run their course.

I can feel consciousness any time

It is this inner feeling or image that is described many times as a presence, a gentle energy field, as God, as space, as some subtle joy that is in us and around us.

It is not that hard to feel it. It is my emotions, thoughts, and other ‘constructs’ that occupy my attention and sometimes I forget that this consciousness is always there. 

Become mentally and emotionally free, and have a strong sense of Self. Have the level of individuation that I can correct myself, calm myself, make decisions from my inner knowing, and so on. The majority of us – either consciously or unconsciously – are working to reach this state. And only a few of us can get there in today’s world.

This article is primarily a reminder of the importance of mental and emotional independence.  

Dependence before independence 

Our biggest problems are relationship related. How is it? Why not some other things? What is it about relationships that make them so hard to manage? 

I agree with this view – not my view, it comes from Developmental Psychology: The development of the self is in stages. The first stages (the very early years of life) are dependent in nature. In these early stages we are dependent on the outside world physically, mentally, and emotionally. As we develop, we have certain needs that depend on the ‘outside world’, and certain developmental steps to make ourselves. To make the long story short, we rely on our caretakers to have our needs met.

And problems do happen in these ‘Dependent’ stages. And those ‘problems’ are relationship ‘problems’. 

And if those problems are not resolved then those early stages of development cannot finish properly and our next stages of development  – Independence – will not be able to finish either. Want to learn more about these stages? Look here: My Past

Is it normal to have this many problems with our relationships? 

I personally do not think that this is normal. This level of suffering should not be normal, and also its systemic nature, happening to the whole of humanity tells me that it is not going in the right direction and shall be changed.

Is my independence so important?

(At this stage of our history/evolution) I am not sure what could be more important. This is instinctive.  We now want to leave our dependencies behind, we want to finally get out of our victim consciousness, we want to get over our narcissistic wounds (just to name a few things). 

Shall I try to ‘sell’ Independence to you?..it won’t be hard: You feel very much together, you have a strong sense of self, while you understand and relate to others’ emotions and thoughts, you are not dependent on them – you have strong limits and an independent view. You can take care of yourself and your self-trust is coming from your own self-awareness. 

I am writing this post in the second half of 2022 and I believe that we are nearing an inflection point, and we will see positive changes in the near couple of years in connection to our independent state of mind too. (And some pain and fear before.)

I can imagine that you are noticing too that while people, institutions, groups, and systems around us are acting as very independent entities, it is becoming clear that these behaviors are false and are in the process of falling apart and changing. And the change coming is for the better.

Am I already independent?

These are just a few ideas. A quick consciousness checks if you will.

• Do you have any addictions?
  • Addictions are forms of dependence.
• Do you get triggered around your family of origin?
  • Most of our problems are relationship related and the people closest to us can trigger our unfinished business around relationship needs the most.
• Do you many times fall back into a ‘black-and-white’ mindset?
• Independent in some areas, not yet in some others
  • Keep in mind that in certain parts of our life we may be more mature than in others. This is normal. 

A change happens in me when I deeply and clearly see the problem I have about myself and realize that it is not true.

Let’s do it through an example: Belly shame

Although I write about it through a specific example and through imagined happenings, please focus on the abstract behavior and mindset behind it (Though I find that the example may be very relevant to most of us). 

1 – I start facing it.

I sit down, close my eyes, and start focusing on my belly. I am feeling the curves, its big size, and the discomfort it is causing me. I am looking at myself from the outside with my imagination and what I see is an ugly, chubby person. I start to feel disgusted with myself. And I start to become depressed. 

I want to escape from the emotional pain and want to give up. I have my usual escapes: I pull back my belly, start to sit up straight, and put a relaxed smile on my face – ‘I am fit and beautiful, I am fit and beautiful…’. It works for one or two minutes and then my disgust and sadness are back. Probably this is the time I should go to the fridge… or head to the gym and start starving. Not that those worked. Nor the idea that I ignore the fact that I am fat and tell myself that I am still ok. 

There is no escape, I sit back in my pain of disgust. Maybe I can take it for one or two more minutes…No, but I cannot, I pass out. I cannot take it any longer. Let me just cry. You won. I am a failure. I admit I am fat.

(what happened: You could come closer to it. You had the courage this time to face it.)

2 – I am separating from it

I am genuinely facing my emotional pain and thoughts about my belly shame. Somewhere I read that the method to start processing my pains is to ‘revisit’ them and look at them consciously. Observe it while being in it. Good that this comes to my mind just at the right moment.

So I try to look at this situation from the outside, like an observer. Sort of like there is me and there is the situation. It is happening to me but I am not it.

Holy shit!! It is working to some degree. I am starting to feel some relief. And I am able to stay in it. What I experience is that I am still feeling those curves and how big my belly is, but I am basically just looking at it. I am not saying that it is physically pleasing but somehow the emotional pain is fading. 

(what happened: You have started to rewire yourself. On all levels.)

3 – Window of additional opportunity

In addition to the above, you may experience some other things. You may consciously realize that your beliefs changed (or even that you can decide how you want them to change.). And maybe not only in connection to the given issue.

If we take the above belly shame example: While you may not like the size of your belly, you are not shame-bound to it. And you may experience that you are now less shame-bound in other areas of your life also.

Notes

• Seek professional help or someone you trust if you feel unsafe! It is important!!! Someone who can hold you emotionally as you are doing your work. Tell that person what you are doing and what help you wish to receive.
• Don’t give up if it doesn’t work ‘soon’ enough. Trust me, you will find no one who did it ‘soon’ enough.
• Experience shows that although we all dream of a sudden and everlasting release, what happens to most of us is that we are going in and out until we fully process it and integrate it. 
• Although the above outlines a specific and consciously known issue, I find that it can work the same way for problems that we are not fully conscious of. 

Am I right with my assumption that you think you are not doing anything now? Well, most probably that is not the case. In fact, you are probably very busy thinking. 

This is what may be happening. You are waiting for something to happen. Whatever it may be, if you are a bit like most of us, then you could probably not tell what you are waiting for. 

And chances are that all the thinking that you are doing in your inner world is nothing else than an attempt to figure out what exactly you should do so that the most awaited change finally happens. Be it fully unconscious or partially conscious – I mean your thoughts – the thing is that they probably arise from some conflict or contrast, and until this conflict is solved in you, you will not be ready to do a change – and so stop your waiting.

So the question boils down to: How do I resolve an internal conflict in me? Now that subject is well beyond the scope of one article but I would like to share this with you now: When change happens in my life it usually happens if one of these three things happen: (1) I get so fed up that I give up, or (2) I realize that getting something that may not be the exact thing that I want is still better than nothing, or (3) I just simply start doing something (anything) that actually triggers a change of mindset in me where I realize that this lack of movement (waiting) is in me and not in the world around me. 

I think there is this positive mindset that arises that whatever comes will be good. 

Certainly, there is very well the possibility that you are waiting for something to happen that is real and ‘outside you’. At the time of this article there are huge changes taking place, and you very well just feel that there is something to wait for.

Realize that it is not that big.

Maybe I just need a bit more self-confidence.

My worth is all ok.

Maybe things have happened to me that left a mark. I am working on those.

But my true Self did not change. And that makes all the difference.