This article is for the overthinker in you.

Do you know why we don’t remember the first couple of years of our life? It is because that part of the brain that stores memory is not active yet at that age.

Nevertheless, we do have body memory. For many of us – especially the ‘overthinkers and overdoers’, and for those of us programmed not to listen to our body – this fact can stay on a conceptual level. And that is a big miss. Almost like a different world.

Why do I mention trauma in relation to body memory? Because I want to make conscious that it is traumatic experiences that get registered in the body (be sudden and ‘big’, or long-lasting, ‘small’, and ‘subtle’ in nature.) And mostly, they are the real causes of long remaining physical issues. (As I mentioned above, this article is for the ‘overthinker’ in you – which I have been-, and my only goal is to trigger your consciousness (maybe the article finds you at the right time) to concentrate more on your body. But anyways, if you want to go deeper, I can recommend a great resource: The Body Keeps The Score )  

What worked with me

(In short: Learn what to let go.)

I have been a serious overthinker. It has become my habit that I wanted to find the cause-and-effect relationship behind all of my behavior. My general logic has been that if I could state clearly and honestly (i.e. it resonates) what was the cause behind a problem of mine then cool: I was almost there to solve it. While this habit of mine proves truly valuable in my life, it took some time for me to realize that there is a catch: It just simply wasn’t effective when working with my body (I mean things like yoga asanas, meditation, breathing, jogging, etc.).

It just simply did not work. Why? The way I started to put it was that those memories in my body are not conscious – in the sense that they are not connected to my thinking/memory-keeping mind. And more importantly maybe: I just don’t know. Luckily life is not as mechanical as our thoughts and our thinking mind. 

The change started to happen when I stopped wanting to conceptualize, verbally describe, or ‘understand’ my aches, cramps, and all those kinds of things in my body. I changed from trying to make them conscious through my old ways of doing it, to just simply looking at them. It was such a good feeling for me that I could let myself stop doing something that actually never resulted in anything useful ( perhaps other than the realization that it was not useful…)

The story would not be complete if I did not mention this: Ok, I stopped trying to find causes all the time as my main tool, but I also did this: I kept in mind that they are traumas and I started to look at them as ‘beings in their own right’. I am not sure if this is the best way to put it but what I am trying to say is that somehow this developed in me: They are with me, part of me, they exist – but they are not me. 

For an overthinker, as I have been, it was a huge change. It helped me to start to think less and let things happen more naturally. 

I let this thought come to my mind when I am in a state of despair: “IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.”

As simple as that.

I stand in my own energy. I do not let others invade my space or drain my own personal energy.

Yes. The extraordinary changes we are going through are the effects of this.

On the outside, we see a breakdown of structures, loss of trust, confusion, anger, and aggression rising.

Inside, we are going through positive, profound, painful changes. We are getting fed up chasing material things. We are letting go of our victim consciousness. We are becoming more independent mentally and emotionally. We are letting go of our traumas. We are finding our way back to a natural and humane way of living. Just to name a few of the changes.

This shift we are experiencing is not just the usual ending of material cycles. This is different now.
The key difference, I believe, is that in previous endings, we were still in a state of mind that still wanted dependence, and so we still went back into dependent states of mind. The difference now is that we are stepping into a next phase, which is about becoming independent and separate (did you ever wonder why systems are separating and not merging currently?). This drive for separateness and independence may sound awkward at first as we all seek unity. Yes, the ‘final’ phase is that, but before that, we need to let go of dependencies and become independent. These stages are nothing new on Planet Earth; look at the phases of mitosis, for instance.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to become conscious about. It goes deep and touches almost everything in most of us, yet it is very hard to consciously grasp what exactly we are afraid of. This article is for those who want to know the root cause of their fear. And I picked the one “root cause” that I see coming up everywhere.

In my life it took years to state why I feel fear many times. And this is what I distilled it down to: “I am afraid of losing my safety.”

How Does it Form?

Did you ever think about this: What comes first in your opinion, thought or emotion? In other words: Do your thoughts and beliefs form your emotions or your emotions form your thoughts (beliefs)? I asked this question a lot of times and way more people said that emotion comes first and they form the thoughts.

People dealing with this say that what may be closer to reality is this: First we have a sensory perception of the situation. Then our mind processes this perception, tries to understand it, make sense of it. The result of this “process” is what I call a thought. Then this thought (a way of looking at the situation) may trigger an emotion. 

So my point is: Fear is a reaction to how we perceive a situation. In other words our logic on how we understand the given situation.  

There are so many things that we can be afraid of. Why the fear of losing our safety is one of the main themes?

Why Does it Form?

Just this one article would be way too long to go into deep details and my intent is to come with some food for thought. Also, I am not implying at all that any of the below are in direct cause-and-effect relationship to the fear of losing safety.

• Passed on as a mindset from the family of origin or the “world around us”.
  • We are social beings, we learn from each other, we require unity. And it can happen all too easy that we unconsciously take mindsets and behaviors from people around us. Note: The fear carried on with the mindset may not have much or any connection to reality.
• Abandonment in early childhood.
  • Developmental psychologist recognize that abandonment – especially if prolonged – will lead to severe problems. I find that one of the layers deep down will probably be the fear of losing our safety.
• Emotional or physical abuse.
• A father (or father figure) unable to help the child to become more independent. 

Hiding Places

Again, I am not implying at all that any of the below are in direct cause-and-effect relationship. I am only trying to come with some food for thought again so that you can connect more dots in your life. (And I guess the below list could grow into the hundreds until we said, ok, now we covered some…)

• I am a people pleaser.
  • I was taught (verbally or non-verbally) that I need to always look to please people well beyond what is in balance so that they “don’t leave me and tolerate my presence”.  I need to be the inferior one.
• I am pulling back my belly so it doesn’t look that big. Belly shame in other words.
  • I get to the conclusion from the world around me that I need to look good to fit in. Otherwise I run the risk of getting excluded.
• I cannot say no.
  • Maybe I was not allowed to get to that place where I could understand that there is nothing wrong with saying no.
• I have a hard time to know what I want.
  • The idea of letting myself think freely and experiment mentally makes me think that I would lose control. Not to mention the shame that may also kick in.
• I want to become very rich.
  • It isn’t hard to inherit this twisted belief in our society that money will buy you safety…
• I do not dare to leave a bad job, a toxic relationship.
  • One of the main things why we want to belong somewhere is to feel safe. Sometimes at any cost. I am probably not saying a lot of new thoughts here.
• My back is hunched.
  • My belief that I have to be inferior to other people so that I “receive some safety” shows up in my body posture. 

Fear of Losing my Safety as My Main Belief System in My Life 

It can go so deep, it can start to form so early in life, and it can bind us so much that it can become the main theme. It can be so much in front of us that we can have a problem to consciously realize that it is one of our main themes. 

If you went to a relationship counselor with this: “My relationship got into crisis. These are the things that are happening lately: …What do you think? Shall I leave my relationship?” And if that relationship counselor said something like this: “First of all, I would like to congratulate you! You have entered the next step in your relationship.” Then you would know that you are speaking with a good counselor.

The cause of a relationship crisis

Development Trauma

The development of the Self is in stages. And those stages can get stuck, “blocked”. These “blocks” form due to what is called Development Trauma. Most of us suffer from some form of Development Trauma in early childhood (a staggering ~98% of humanity) that we unknowingly carry into adulthood. 

Your Self wants to “overcome” your Development Trauma(s) and one of the ways we, humans try to do it is to revisit it – which is all cool because by revisiting it, we create an opportunity to process it, rewire it, and eventually move on. 

Developmental Trauma is relationship trauma and what we do in our relationships is that we “replay” those trauma(s). (If you ever wondered why your relationship problems keep coming back and feel ‘familiar’ …- you can connect the dots.)

)I could go much deeper into Developmental Trauma but it is far beyond the scope of this article and my goal here is to point out its relationship to our present relationship problems. If you want to go one step further into understanding more about Developmental Trauma in your life, you can visit the My Past page here on Self Chatter.)

Self-development

I think that there is another thing that can cause a relationship to end and it is important to mention here: I have seen relationships end because one person had developed further and the other hadn’t. So the one who did doesn’t get what she/he is looking for anymore. This is natural that in such a case the relationship can end.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that it necessarily will happen. Nevertheless, it is kind of strange when one develops further and still doesn’t leave or does something with the relationship.   

Shall I leave?

A pretty easy logic down here.

• If your partner is willing to do the work together with you to overcome your personal relationship traumas: definitely try to stay! This is a golden opportunity for self-development and to have the relationship of your life. 
• If your partner is not willing to do the above work (but you are): Probably leave.
• If your partner is abusing you physically, emotionally, or in another way: Leave!
  • If you know that you are abused and the other doesn’t: Stop hoping that your partner will change.
  • If you are unable to leave because you are so much bonded to this other person then work on your Self so that you can end this trauma bond.
  • If you are not sure what is happening or if you are not sure whether you are in danger: Seek professional outside help immediately! 
• If you have not yet wrapped your head around it: Try to stay and work on your Self.

Self Chatter is about going into a higher level of consciousness and for the majority of us, relationship problems are the biggest blocks in front of it. 

The cause behind the great resignation (which is pretty much the same thing as what is referred to as quiet quitting) is a mental and emotional shift. And it is a positive and good thing. It surprised many people, and the ‘professionals’ and ‘statisticians’ are coming up with all kinds of mechanical explanations, instead of looking at the mindset change that caused it.

The trigger

The combination of the Pandemic and lockdowns coming with it has been a near-perfect trigger.

The Pandemic

The Pandemic has been a shock to most of us – I really do mean a mental and emotional shock. Shock usually makes us anxious, confused, etc., but what is important to see is that it creates a ‘short circuit’. Also, this shock has happened on a collective level and on a mass scale.

The lockdown

I find that – among many other things – the lockdowns caused a reset to our personal lives. What happened was that we got removed from our everyday life. And we did not get into a familiar situation that we are used to – i.e. “work all day as before”, “socialize the same way as before”, “get busy filling your day with stuff and activities as before”. 

But instead, we got forced into doing nothing. We were given a “blank sheet of paper”. (Ask a meditation expert what miracles you can expect when you “do nothing”.)

The outcome

The combination of personal and collective shock, coupled with a halt to our “everyday life” triggered a lot of people to rethink their lives. A mindset change happened. More precisely the mindset has been there for quite some time but could not come to the surface. What was this mindset change? In one sentence: “Enough of the toxic, inhuman, dysfunctional, hustle-culture workplace that disconnects me from my own Self!”

It doesn’t matter if it was consciously or unconsciously done, it doesn’t matter if it was “forced” or done unwillingly, and it is also ok that there is fear and anxiety around it. It happened. 

And I find that the outcome has been truly positive and life-giving. I must leave the rest of the thoughts and personal opinions around it to the reader, to you.

Conspiracy theory

There are a lot of talks that the Pandemic and the lockdowns are a part of an organized effort to control and suppress the human race. If this is the case then the Great Resignation has been a blow to this effort. (Well, not the Great Resignation, because that is the effect, but the cause of it.)

I have had a hard time admitting that despite the amount of energy I put into developing myself, I did not seem to make lasting progress. There were times when I felt I was making real progress but I “fell back”. And there have been parts of my life where I found I simply could not make any progress and was just “going circles” without meaningful results. I had the chance to talk about this honestly with like-minded people and kept hearing pretty much the same: “I don’t know why my self-development doesn’t seem to progress.”

In this article, I do not want to talk about the probably understandable frustration that comes when we all want more progress. But rather the painful fact that it is possible that we cannot make progress for a long time. And why it may be.

The below are two just ideas. I do not suggest by any measure that they are universally true for everyone. Please treat them as such.

Idea #1: Trauma

Trauma keeps us blocked. And we keep going back to it, bumping into it. Until the trauma is released, the ‘block’ will stay there. 

(Even if we are truly aware of what our trauma is, we may not be able to release it for a very very long time. We are afraid to face it, we may need to fully understand it, work on it a lot, ask for help, go through it. I am not talking about this situation in this article. There is progress here, there is work being done – even if we argued that one doesn’t put enough work into it, doesn’t take it serious.)

But trauma can be tricky in a number of ways, to say the least: 

You are not aware that you are traumatized

“It is hard to understand the evidence if I don’t know what crime has been committed.” So simply put, you are not applying the right approach. I appreciate that there could be a lot of depth to discuss here, but this article is not an in-depth discussion about trauma.

You are not able to phrase your trauma or have a “twist” in your thinking

So you are aware that you are traumatized but you can only phrase it in a vague and shady way. This is very common. (I would argue that this is probably common with childhood trauma from which we usually do not have a clear memory. So what happens is that you have a hard time knowing what you need to work on exactly to make the next step in your self-development.

About the “twist” in your thinking note: As a result of trauma it is common that we form a mindset (logic if you will) that is not real – it was an “answer” back when the traumatic event(s) happened, but in fact it does not resemble reality.  (Again, just a high-level description of what may be blocking you from connecting the dots about something.)

Idea #2: Disorganized attachment style

Have you ever heard of attachment styles? There are four patterns of attachment (Ambivalent, Avoidant, Disorganized, Secure), and the Disorganized Attachment Style is very common. It brings a level of confusion, disorientation, lack of clarity into our life. I personally think that a disorganized way of relating to the world around is a major obstacle to progress. I know it sounds overly simplified but this is how I put it for myself: “How do I know if I am doing the right thing if I am disorganized?”. 

(If you want to read more about Attachment Theory, here is a good article: “What is Attachment Theory?“)

(I would like to highlight again that the above are only ideas or food for thought to find why someone may not be progressing with their self-development.)

This is a story about how a beautiful day turned into a bad one, and then, with another twist, it turned into a great day.

So there was this early summer Sunday. Perfect weather, no commitments for the whole day, and things were promising for a relaxing day and good times.

And there was this guy – our main character. 

Around 3 in the afternoon, just when the temperature was good enough, he decided to go for a walk. He liked walking. Walking could calm him. He realized before that he had a hard time calming himself and walking did help a little (He also understood that it was those lots of thoughts that would not let him relax.). As he went on his usual walk near his place he discovered a new spot that he had never gone to before.

It was a small hill with a really nice park. He bought a coffee nearby and sat down in this park. It was a Sunday with quite many people, but the vibe was pretty relaxed so it did not take long for him to finally find some peace of mind. Yes, this guy had a hard time relaxing and pretty much felt miserable most of the time. He got used to it that nothing seemed to work out the way he wanted. 

But anyway, this day was a bit different. He had a really good time just watching people having a good time, the truly nice, early summer greenness of the park, and an occasional sip from his coffee. He even forgot to have his usual smokes. He just did not feel like it. Maybe after half an hour or so, he decided to leave and leave this small hill. So he took his phone and looked at the map where exactly he wanted to leave.

And BANG! Just at that moment, he got an email about a job he recently applied for. It was a rejection. It took him a minute to find a justification: “That’s ok, I did not really want this job anyways…” (which had some truth to it by the way. He just wanted to change as he felt miserable at his current job and it looked like a good escape.)

And BANG AGAIN!! Just when he decided he would not let himself feel bad about this email, a dog attacked him. It was a dog from a group of people having a picnic nearby. The dog seemed to have picked him as someone to piss off. The dog did not bite him but was truly annoying with its aggression. Until its owner stopped the dog and apologized.

So there he had it. Two minutes ago he was in almost complete calm, and now everything turned against him. Again! He was in despair. “Again, nothing seems to work and the world turns against me in a second. I thought I found a good spot and would have a good day. Far from it. I am now really having a bad day.”

So he gave in. Maybe it was that sheer difference between the two moments rather than what actually happened, but he really got pissed off as he was walking down that small hill. 

And BANG AGAIN!!! As he was walking down, telling himself things like “Why are these things happening to me? How can I be such a loser?”, a new thought appeared out of nowhere: “Oh my God, I think like a victim. I really do nothing else just feel miserable and feel like a victim.” The clarity of this was striking. He suddenly understood something about himself. He did know how much he was this type of person but it never got this close to him.

By the time he got back down into the busy streets of the city (he lives in a huge city) his thinking had a shift: He did to want to “feel like a victim and a loser” anymore but started to have an appetite for some action and confidence. His body posture also changed…He felt he was not walking with his head and shoulders pulled down, but straight up and relaxed. He was looking at people with a different mindset too. It was a fantastic feeling of relaxed confidence. 

(This is a story of victim consciousness. Or is it?)

Why am I restless? Why can’t I calm down? If you ever asked these questions from yourself consciously then congratulations! It is a very good sign. And this post may be of some help to you.

By restlessness, I mean this inner need to ‘hurry up’ may be coupled with some level of confusion – a disorganized type of urge to act. This can be sudden and can be a general state of mind. 

(I am not talking about anxiety or panic. Those are harder forms of pain – and if you think that you have those then I would kindly like to ask you to seek more help.)

The reason I am writing this post is that this state of mind actually offers a very good opportunity for self-development. Because when I am in this “restless state of mind” I think that…Actually, I don’t know what I think. But I am still functioning – shall I say that my nervous system, brain, and consciousness is still available. So the opportunity is that I may be able to look at the root of my restlessness. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere. 

The below ‘method’ works for me. Maybe you will find some parts in it that work for you too. 

1) I Decide to catch myself

I just tell myself that I need to catch myself when I realize that I became restless. This is actually not that hard in my experience. I just take it seriously that this behavior of ‘catching myself’ has to be part of my general setup. To me, this is consciousness in action.

Speaking of “catching myself”. Are you many times in a hurry in certain situations and get exhausted? Exercise catching yourself with this “Self-observation on why I am always in a hurry”.  

2) I Become “basic”, “primitive”, “primal”

This is the key part. I become very basic, ‘primitive’, primal in my approach to phrasing the cause of my restlessness. What I do here is I try to find the reason why I became restless in a very very primitive way. Here are some examples:

• • • I need to achieve something great. 
    • I am afraid of losing my safety. 
    • I will be ashamed if this is not perfect.
    •  I am too stupid to do this.

 It can take time to get used to this but it just gets better all the time. Writing it down can help a lot – Take it as a diary for the very present moment. I find this approach so useful and important that I wrote a separate post on it. Take a look here: The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way.

3) I am ok with how it unfolds

I don’t mind if more than one cause shows up. (Actually, I do. I am just telling myself that it is ok.)

4) I play chicken

I go on in this restless state. What I mean is that I am trying to go on doing what I am doing and try not ‘chicken out’. And meanwhile, I am trying to hold the above realization in my mind also. In other words, I am looking at it and making it conscious.

5) I get fed up 

I have no problem letting this thought go when I get overwhelmed. Or just simply angry and fed up. It is a good sign if I get pissed off. At this time of overwhelm and ‘giving up’ I usually find that I am much less restless than before. For me personally, it is usually still there to some extent but manageable. Even better: I feel a sense of relief. I know that people have this experience pretty similar to mine and that is a big relief too. 

Some other thoughts

I know that the above is a kind of general flow of how we can become more aware. Still, I am proud to have discovered it. Especially the part where I need to phrase the cause of my restlessness in a very basic and primal way. That has been a turning point for me.

When I develop a sense of relief, sometimes I can go as deep as to realize that I am no longer interested in the original belief that caused my restlessness. I actually don’t even have to do anything to feel good.

Writing down your ‘basic, primitive, primal’ thought is very effective because it forces you to become more conscious about them. I also found that with these thoughts, less is usually more – a very long description signals to me that it is yet half-cooked. I used to carry a small paper notebook for this. Nowadays I am sending an email to myself from my phone…

The above is just one method and the same can be done in countless other ways.  

I try not to communicate with others when I am trying to observe myself in this stage. This may be my personal construct but I usually have a hard time listening to myself and others at the same time. Not to mention if there is some conflict involved.