Why don’t I have self-confidence?

Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

  • I always fall back.
  • I always question myself. I become anxious. 
  • I am just afraid I will screw it up.
  • This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
  • Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
  • Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
  • I don’t dare to confront.
  • I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
  • And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
  • Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
  • I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
  • This works! I need to find what causes it. 
  • What is the real root cause?
  • Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
  • It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
  • This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
  • This sounds strange but it is true.
  • In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
  • I am afraid of what others will say. 
  • When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.

Why am I afraid to win?

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

  • I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
  • First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
  • I am afraid to face it.
  • Winning is not natural to me.
  • I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
  • Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
  • It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
  • Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
  • This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
  • Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
  • Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Why am I constantly tired?

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

  • I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
  • Why can’t I let go and relax?
  • I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
  • I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
  • I am running away from something.
  • No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
  • I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
  • That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
  • I just don’t know what it is.
  • What causes my tension?
  • My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
  • I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
  • I am afraid of something.
  • Nowadays this tension got bigger.
  • My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
  • This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.
  • I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
  • For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
  • Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
  • This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
  • What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
  • I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-observation on my anxiety

Self-Observation on my anxiety

  • I am in a constant state of mild panic.
  • I am tired.
  • I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
  • When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
  • I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
  • I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
  • The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
  • It feels as if it will never end.
  • I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

  • My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
  • I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
  • Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
  • I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
  • Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
  • Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
  • If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
  • Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious. 

Why am I not successful enough?

Self-observation on why I am not successful enough

  • I imagine myself very differently inside than how my life is on the outside.
  • I dream of becoming successful but it just doesn’t seem to happen. 
  • I am continuously trying everything. Harder and harder. Sometimes I am trying to be smarter, more self-confident, and even tried to ‘believe the universe will help me’.
  • It is a constant struggle. I just know instinctively that it should not be a never-ending battle and overwhelm. 
  • There must be something that can change this situation. 
  • When I think of my abilities, my self-confidence drops. 
  • Still, it is not about my abilities. Many others have less in many areas and they are still more successful than me. 
  • When I observe myself, I feel a great level of uneasiness. 
  • This uneasiness comes from my desire to achieve.
  • My mindset is that if I push it more, I will achieve what I want. 
  • No, this is not the way. There must be a better way.
  • I admit I don’t know what to do exactly.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • Something is blocking me.
  • I am not able to be myself.
  • I am afraid to be myself. This is the block in me.
  • I have low self-confidence and this is why reaching success is a struggle.
  • No.
  • Behind my low self-confidence is fear. Simple fear. Fear of losing my safety.
  • The block is not my low self-confidence. That thought of myself that I have low self-confidence only happens as a result of my fear. The key is my fear.
  • This is why I don’t ‘dare to jump’ and do what is needed for my success.
  • And the way it works is that I block myself from being who I really am.
  • I am not able to be that vibrant person who I want to be. 
  • This fear is teaching me to see who I really am.
  • This fear might even be more than that. I may be able to transform it into something that I miss now in myself.
  • I will think about what I would like to transform my fear – my new friend – into.

How self-observation works

This post contains insights, practical ideas, considerations, and food for thought about the practice of self-observation. While these can be handy, what we find truly important is the state of mind that makes self-observation work. We talk about that in this post: What makes self-observation work.

In self-observation, I look at my own self. I look at my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, my life in an unbiased, non-judgmental way. Self-observation is like a mirror; I can stand in front of it and look at my own self through it.  It is my own consciousness in action. The outcome is not only that I see and understand myself better, but I am changing myself for the better. It is a natural talent and arguably one of the greatest gifts that we have.

Self-observation in practice

Being non-judgmental

We all want to get to a place where we are non-judgmental. It hardly ever happens. This is a more useful thought in my experience for such mortals as me: ‘Of course I am judgmental. This is because it is a hard thing I am dealing with. I do care, I am angry, or sad. I do want to escape. I do use judgment to justify why I am in this hard situation. Let me work myself through it.’ It is proper self-observation in practice when I realize my judgmental approach. When I work myself through the reasons why I am so judgmental, then I can start letting some of my judgments go.

When I analyze myself

When I observe myself, I also analyze myself. That is largely automatic with most of us, and we do not differentiate between self-observation and self-inquiry. But let me make a separation now. This is how most of us think this ‘process’ works: I do self-observation, and then I analyze myself based on what I observed. This is not how it works, and this is self-deception, actually. If I do self-observation/inquiry this way, then I basically analyze myself based on what I already know. No wonder many of us overanalyze ourselves and are stuck in a loop. Instead, this is how I should look at the practice of self-observation: The goal is to see myself clearly for what I am, how I behave (hence the need to be non-judgmental). This is the key: Self-observation generates insights. That’s the gold we are looking for. We are looking for that moment of insight, that sudden realization. Such a thing is not an outcome of analysis. If the insight triggers analysis, that’s cool. If I start to analyze because I actually do not know what’s up, then that is not necessarily a good sign.

When I am stuck, when there is no change

Being stuck can also happen for no apparent reason. There is a habit that you can build, and it is called ‘Touch and go’: You observe, you acknowledge, and you consciously decide to immediately go on.

Here is another idea, a method you can consider, and it is called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. In a nutshell, it is a trauma elimination technique, and it helps the brain to reprocess traumatic information, allowing it to be a neutral memory. Beyond showing this technique to you, I bring this up because it points to something important about self-observation: EMDR is not considered a self-observation practice, but self-observation can have the same neutralizing effect. That is: Our mind processing or reprocessing something. No big insight, no conscious realization of something. Just ease. And new openings.

Doing self-observation as a daily routine

Let me be harsh: You will be missing out on self-observation’s spontaneous nature if you make it into a routine. Don’t control it. Don’t mistake self-observation for meditation. Self-observation is a tool and meditation is a state. Also, self-observation doesn’t need to last long to yield results. It is also true that the more often you do it, the better you get at it, and the more automatic it will become for you.

Self-observation for the greater good

Self-observation heals. It helps one to understand and accept the other more. It helps to take back our projections. It helps to develop the right outlook for the individual and for society at large.

Self-observation and enjoyment

I cannot think of a better way to wrap up this post than this. The more I practice self-observation, the more I enjoy my deep and colorful inner world. Nothing comes close to it.

Why am I always in a hurry?

Self-Observation on why I am always in a hurry

  • This is clearly some kind of unconscious block in me as even when I see that I am in a hurry, I cannot stop it.
  • I just keep on being in a hurry and it is making me even more nervous.
  • Actually I even want to speed it up. Because I want to finish as soon as possible to ‘escape this hard situation’.
  • I speed it up and so I get even more exhausted.
  • I am afraid of the situation itself.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • It appears to me that my need to hurry up comes up in situations where I have an ‘obligation’, some work that I feel I must do. I am not in a hurry where I have no ‘obligation to deliver’. 
  • I have a self-confidence issue. My need to speed things up is due to the fear of the ‘situation’.
  • No. It is not a pure self-confidence issue. 
  • It is a question of trust.
  • Let me approach it from another way and imagine myself with this mindset: If I had complete trust that this situation, this work to be done would work out just fine, I would have no urge to hurry it. It is not a self-confidence thing alone. It is trusting that things will work out fine; It is not just about me.  

What is really behind my avoidant nature?

Self-Observation on my avoidant nature

  • I am trying to protect myself.
  • It is natural to me that I am trying to protect myself. 
  • My avoidant nature is self-protection.
  • What I can say now that it is ‘this situation’ that I want to avoid. 
  • I cannot say what I want to avoid. This is why I am saying ‘this situation’. This moment.
  • If I avoid it that means I am safe from its bad effects.
  • I cannot say what this something is that I want to avoid. It is not conscious but I know that it is not good for me.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • There is something that is strange: Why do I stay in it if it is not good for me? If I just walked away there would be nothing to avoid.
  • This something that I want to avoid is not here now but it is an image in my head. 
  • Ah, ok: I want this situation. I am attached to it. 
  • Then it is again a connection issue, a relationship issue. I need the connection, I am attached to it.
  • I want connection but I got used to being in connection that is not fully good for me. 
  • So what I do is stay in it but avoid it, avoid parts of it. I don’t have a better idea.
  • I am in two worlds at the same time.
  • What two worlds?
  • I want to be myself and want to be in connection. But right now my belief is that if I am in connection then I cannot be myself. 
  • The reality is that in many connections it is true. 
  • So what will give me the motivation, the strength to be myself, no matter what?

What is really behind my financial struggles?

Self-Observation on my financial struggles

  • I look at money as something hard to get.
  • Earning money is labor that is not about enjoyment. Work is constant hardship and there is no end to it.
  • Why do I think that there is no end to it? Do I think I can never get it?
  • People I know who have fewer issues with money do not look at money this way. I can see they have less fear about it.
  • I feel fear. I feel I am dependent on money. 
  • I find that I am dependent on people giving me money…They decide ‘to keep me alive’.
  • Oh, I cannot imagine I deserve it.
  • I cannot imagine I can have enough. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • Do I think my work is not particularly valuable? Somewhat yes. When something goes easy I actually feel some level of shame. ‘I did not push hard enough, I did not struggle hard enough.’ This is shame. But I cannot get out of it, even if I understand that it is shame that I feel.
  • I identify work with something that I must do so that things will be ok. What is it that I want to get out of work? What does this mental image represent on an abstract level? 
  • I want safety. Money will keep me safe.
  • Dependence…
  • Dependence is the key. 
  • I find that I depend on people when it comes to my finances.
  • Sometimes I go into situations and relationships where this is the accepted dynamic. I mean some kind of dependence and hardship. This dependence is more about people than money itself. 
  • So this is the belief I built up about money: It is about safety, it is about ‘doing what the other wants’, and it is about proving my self-worth. 
  • BULLSHIT! These have nothing to do with reality. I made them a reality to make sense of things and try to find solutions. 
  • I end this twisted belief of mine.
  • I will go into situations where work and money are about enjoyment and value. And not about dependence and people using each other.
  • I look at money as something that can come to me. It is not blocked.
  • Nobody is keeping it back from me. This is actually true. 
  • This ‘easiness’ about money may feel awkward at first because I am not used to it. So I let myself get used to it. 

Why am I stressed at work?

Self-Observation on why I am stressed at work

  • A certain level of uneasiness kicks in even when I think about my job.
  • I want to feel good at work but my stress, my anxiety kick in.
  • This anxiety comes from the thought that I am not good enough.
  • I feel shame and I want to comply.
  • I find that my job is something that is not about enjoyment. Though I am looking for fulfillment in it.
  • I just realize that my mindset is such that work for me is about complying and proving my worth. And about ‘begging’ to stay in it so that I feel some kind of safety.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

  • This is not normal. My job shall not be about proving my self-worth so that I can feel safe.
  • I project my fear onto my job. This is how I gravitate towards jobs and this fear is behind how I work with people.
  • This is not how everybody relates to their jobs. Some people truly love what they do.
  • There is this revelation now: Actually, I do not even like my job. And this is totally understandable since the way I think about it is that ‘I need to prove myself because I am not good enough’.  
  • If I realized my self-worth, my view about how I want to work, and probably what I want to do would radically change.  
  • Stress would be gone, I would not think about why I am not capable, and how hard my work must be. I would just naturally go towards what I enjoy. Stress would not even come up.
  • I may not even need to see my self-worth; it feels good now that I have an understanding of why I am stressed.