Self-Observation on why I am holding my breath back

• I feel fear when I look at why I am holding my breath back
• I don’t know what I am afraid of.
• I see that my whole body is in a state of stress.
• I also feel some kind of shame I think.
• It is the exhalation that I don’t do. No problem with breathing in.
• I feel stuck. Do I feel stuck with my whole life?

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I am afraid of what would happen if I fully relaxed my breathing. What would happen if I let myself be fully relaxed?
• My view is that if I would fully exhale, something bad would happen. Something that would hurt me. I don’t dare to.
• I got used to this state. I can hardly imagine now how it would feel to have relaxed breathing.
• I do not dare to let my true Self come to the surface.
• It may have something to do with having a goal in life. I mean I think I would be more relaxed if I fully knew what I wanted.

Self-Observation on my feeling of missing something from my life

• I am missing something but I cannot say what.
• I feel sad.
• I blame other people and the world around me for not giving me what I want. It is their fault.
• It is not worth doing things. 
• This thought makes me nervous and panicky.
• I don’t know what to do about it, how to get out of it.  
• I cannot breathe normally. I keep my breath back.
• I feel as if this is my main belief about my life. How I am.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I am sad because I have this image that ‘I did not get the things I wanted. The things that I deserved.’
• I know that I have been feeling like this since I can remember.
• Then I start to think that I am selfish and spoiled to think such things. But it does not help.
• Then I start to think that it is not that bad. It is better but I still have the pain in the back of my mind. I know it is just a matter of time that it comes back.
• Then I sort of realize that I am trying to convince myself that my feeling of missing something is not real. This is how I protect myself. 
• Then I realize that I am right. I did not get the things I wanted and thought that I deserved. It doesn’t hurt that much now that I could be honest with myself. It is a bit better now, there has been a small shift.
• I see that my honesty helped me to let go of my protection a little bit. I call it honesty, it may be something else. 

Self-Observation on my constant hunger

• One of the main themes in my life is that I feel I don’t get what I want. There is this constant sense of lack.
• What I feel is fear, weakness, and confusion. So eating comes to my mind. At least this I can control.
• I feel embarrassed. 
• This is an addiction because I feel I am dependent on food. Why am I dependent?
• What is most stressful is the confusion. It feels as if I am just waiting for something to happen, not sure what to do.
• I want more, more, more. I just cannot satisfy myself. To me, it just means that eating will not help. It is not food that I want…
• This is a somatic sensation in my body and it has to do with my throat. But this is far from just somatic.  

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I realize what I feel is not actual, physical hunger, but the desire to eat. I mean when I can look a bit deeper, I realize that most of the time I am not even hungry when I want to eat. 
• My mind connected eating with my feeling that I am missing something.
• I also realize that I have learned this behavior. Now I realize that it is a collective behavior. We learned this coping mechanism from each other.
• I cannot say what it is that I do not get. I feel trapped this way.
• I feel shame and embarrassment. Not only because I got overweight but also because I feel needy.
• My neediness: It is normal in the sense that I really did not get things that I should have. What is not normal is that it is still stuck in me. Probably time to let go.
• There is something deeper here than just my neediness. Fear. Fear of losing my safety. I lost connection. At least this is how I understand it now.
• When I become conscious about my need for connection, my hunger is not that important because I feel that I am not that dependent on ‘that indescribable need’. As the only thing that can ‘save’ me.

This is a quick help that you can any time come back to while in the process of giving up smoking. With the below, you can HOLD YOURSELF in the process by observing&releasing your thoughts and emotions as you are going through them. This can make all the difference in success.

When you give up smoking, the thoughts and feelings that your smoking is meant to suppress will surface or strengthen. There are two lists below. The first one is the thoughts and feelings that you want to have. The second list is the feelings and thoughts that come up when you quit smoking – the unwanted, painful, suppressed ones. If it makes sense for you: The first list is the feelings and thoughts that you want your suppressed feelings to be replaced with, and the second list is the ones that you are letting go of. 

The thoughts and feelings can certainly be different, I am listing here those that usually come up with most of us. So make your own list if that helps. (Or bookmark this page if it is good enough. It will come in handy.)

What I want

• I want to feel my self-worth.
• I want to know that I can do whatever I want with my life. I don’t have to set strange limits for my own life.
• I want to feel proud.
• I want to be my True Self. Fully. The most liberating feeling.
• I want to realize that I have not done anything wrong. 
• I want to realize that there is nothing wrong with me. And thus I don’t need to be fixed.
• I want to be active and not care about my actions too much.
• I want to feel strong.
• I want to help people to be less ashamed and anxious. 

What I don’t want to feel or think

• “I have done something wrong and there is a problem. Something is my fault.”
• “I feel lonely.”
• “I am in a panic.”
• “People are so stupid and careless around me.”
• “I feel depressed, or sad because I have a sense of loss inside. I should have gotten something or something should have happened but it didn’t.”
• “I feel empty inside. No connection to anyone or anything. (And now I have lost connection to my cigarette too.)”

Notes:

• Quitting smoking is all mental. 
• Remember: Nobody ever got harmed by releasing their suppressed emotions. 
• The more, deeper you allow yourself to feel your suppressed feelings, the faster you will go through them. 
• Anger is absolutely one of the main feelings that most of us have when quitting smoking. When it hits you, make sure you do not harm yourself or others. 
• Much of our suppressed emotions are in our bodies. For example, crying and shaking are healthy and very effective. 
• It is ok if you become inactive in the beginning. Just let yourself go through it at your own pace. 
• Do not try to ‘guess’ what feelings and thoughts will come. And do not try to control them.   
• It is ok if you don’t know what you are feeling, or why you are feeling the way you do.
• Do not exchange your smoking for another addiction! 
• If you are determined, that is probably more than half the battle. (Just an idea: If you become undetermined along the way then ask yourself why? Why do you want to stay dependent? What is it that you lack and find that your dependence will give you?)

Just like with the quick help for self-observation, I am not using bold, or too large letters should you need to open this page in a public place where it is not good if anyone sees what you are reading.

“The reason why I can’t become emotionally and mentally independent is that I am afraid I will lose my safety if I do so.” If this resonates with you then you will find two interpretations around this in this article to help you with your own self-observation.

I am bringing this fear from my childhood

The development of the self is in stages. In early life, before we get to the stage of becoming mentally and emotionally independent there are two preceding stages. They are called co-dependency and counter-dependency. As their names depict, these stages are about dependency. We are totally dependent on the outside world not only physically but more importantly emotionally and mentally. 

In these first two stages, we are dependent on our mothers, fathers, or other people who take care of us, who love us, who calm us, who mirror our feelings. This is how such highly evolved creatures like humans develop. We need the connection, the relationship. And we want to be dependent at all costs. And glitches happen in these first two stages to almost all of us. Glitches where this connection breaks (or sometimes worse). When this connection fails (speaking of neglect, abandonment, abuse, etc.) we develop fear. And all sorts of twisted beliefs and behaviors that result from this loss of connection. And our natural course of development gets blocked and we are unable to get to the next stage in our development; Independence. We need to act as independent individuals and look independent, but inside we feel that it is yet uncooked. Some of us decide to ‘forcefully grow up’ – by deciding to detach from our origins – and some of us become even more dependent. And the coping mechanisms are endless.   

So there we have it. We want to become emotionally independent and happy individuals, but we can’t. We are afraid to make that step. Our fear of losing our safety is everywhere. It is so much part of our thinking and so much in front of us that we can hardly realize it. (If it is not the fear then for most of us it is the inner image that “I still need something before I decide to become a ‘full’ individual”.) 

I am projecting my arrogance on the world around me and on God

If you look at your fear with the knowledge that you are interconnected with everything in the world and with God – or a creator or higher power; as you understand it- then the realization can be different.

Then you can come to the conclusion that your fear actually comes from your arrogance and from your mindset of thinking that you are special. The key word here is that you feel special. You feel ‘special’ as a separate and independent being and your logic in understanding the world is built from this logic. And you want to fulfill your life along this ‘logic’. If you are still reading these lines then I assume that they still resonate with you. So let’s go further.

What happens in essence is that you are afraid of God. You instinctively know that God (however you call it) exists but you are afraid that if you gave up your sense of being ‘special’ and sense of being separate would be the end for you. And there is the fear of God’s ‘behavior’. You look at God as a being who would destroy you, who would be cruel to you, who would just give you suffering, or maybe God doesn’t even exist, there is actually nothing there. This is the projection of my own arrogance on the core of my own being.  

(How much this is a different way of looking at my fear compared to the above interpretation about the ‘glitches’ in early childhood is a question. Maybe not so much. In both cases, there is a loss of connection. And that is the root cause of my fear.)  

Probably there is. Here is why. The world we live in is insane in many parts and so our mindset and thought systems got glitched too… This is the starting point. 

In order to recognize the insanity and twisted nature of the world we live in and also our twistedness we first must recognize it. This recognition is the suffering that we experience. And here is the underlying reason why suffering is needed: We are so twisted currently that we currently believe that suffering and being unhappy is normal. Phrased differently: Most of us find that suffering is needed, that it is normal.  Our Self needs this suffering – as a guide – to realize that our thinking is twisted. Once we realize that suffering is not needed it will vanish. Until then, self-development needs it.

The seemingly paradoxical image that the Self is looking at its own Self.

“The core and most important reason why I can’t commit to things is my unconscious fear about it.” If this statement resonates then this post may be for you. This post is more a call to seize an opportunity than a “clever” analysis of why it happens.

The opportunity

It is so hard for most of us to realize that the main belief system we have is shaped by our fears. It is not an overstatement.  

This fear, which is at the core, doesn’t only apply to commitments, but to everything actually. It just usually shows itself very well at times when we need to decide and commit to something. And this is the reason why I am writing this post because by reading this, it may pop into your mind the next time you are facing a decision point and need to make a commitment of some kind.

What am I talking about here? The way to release a toxic thought (and the painful emotion that is attached to it) can be done at the very moment when it comes. So when this fear, this anxiety hits you then you have a golden opportunity to look at it consciously. It may not matter if you can consciously ‘trace it’ to something that happened to you or figure out in any other way why you have that unconscious fear. The same release can happen just by being able to look at it and examine it consciously. This is your consciousness helping you big time. Let it happen.

Tell yourself that you are going to catch it the next time it pops up. 

Here is a short article to help yourself with self-observation: Quick help for self-observation.

Another one, which is a practical guide on how to do it: When does a change happen in me?

Ideas for what may be at play

If you are the type who wants to find concretely what is behind your anxiety here is a small list of ideas as food for thought on what may be at play behind your ‘inability’ to commit. (The list could certainly go on.)

• “Not good enough” thinking 
• Toxic Shame
  • I guess it speaks for itself that when you don’t think you are good enough then you will have a hard time committing.
• Addictions
  • Addictions have a lot to do with shame and addiction can block a lot of things from happening in your life.
• Your healthy judgment
  • Let’s not rule out the possibility that you don’t commit to things because you instinctively know that those are not good for you. Then the next logical question may be: Why do you mess yourself into such situations?
• Committing to ‘too’ many things
  • Are you maybe committing to too many things? Is everything ok with your limits?

There are many articles, lists, and how-to guides on how to set healthy limits and what those may be. Yet, most of us struggle to set and keep those limits. Why is that? This article discusses some of the possible underlying reasons why we are not able to develop those healthy limits. There can certainly be many ways to look at this and I also agree that there can be many reasons. Yet the following is valid and effective in my experience. 

The reasoning

1. Here is how I phrase it: “My behavior with my limits derives from my relationship patterns, from how I attach to others, and from my unmet relationship needs.”.
2. Let’s go deeper: “I am not able to keep my healthy limits because I have an unconscious need that I am – unconsciously – trying to satisfy and I have the belief that I have to give up my limits.”
3. Let’s go one level deeper into this belief: “I need to open up. I need to let that person come close (I need to go closer) so that I can have my needs met finally from her or him. From her or him…” 

Try it out. Use your self-awareness and self-observation and decide for yourself whether it has merit in your life.

Some possible needs that I want to satisfy

The need to feel that deep oneness with the other

We all want to experience this deep, happy, gentle togetherness. If we are lucky then we get enough of it – so much that we become certain that this oneness is always there in our life. Most of us do not find that we have enough of this. And we want to use every opportunity to get it and we certainly want to experience this through our relationships.  

My need to rescue the other

This has to do with fear. It sounds romantic that I want to rescue the other but what is happening probably is that I am afraid to be left alone. Psychologists say that ‘rescuers’ mirror their need to be rescued.

My fear of losing my safety

Look at this in an abstract way. For many of us, this feeling is much in front of us that we do not realize that this may be our main theme. 

My anger

Is my anger because I feel that my limits are actually invaded? Or am I angry because I don’t get what I want (and the very reason I open up my limits is to get what I want)? Both can cause anger. And countless other things. 

What I may experience when my limits are developing

• Fear. I will sometimes want to go back to being ‘dependent’. It is because I got used to that state. I will catch myself faster by the day when I fall back and it will become easier to be comfortable in my new reality as I practice it. 
• Change in my relationships. For the better for me but maybe not for everybody around me. Those who want to control or manipulate me will probably want to drag me back.
• More empathy. (This may sound controversial.) I am able to listen to the other person more genuinely because I am less concerned about myself. Keeping my own limits will actually help others to learn from me and keep theirs too. Not in my old ways but I will be able to help others much better too. Oh: Having healthy limits doesn’t mean that I lose empathy. It has to do with how I use my limits.
• More self-confidence. Certainly.

(This article doesn’t discuss situations like when your limits were or are currently seriously abused, the many ways we understand limits, the positive side effects of having loose or weak limits, etc.)

• • • Fear

    • Shame

    • Anger

    • I feel like a victim.

    • Sadness

    • Confusion

    • Panic

    • I don’t know what I am feeling.

    • I am muted

What it is and its usage

This is a quick list that you can use to help yourself identify what you are feeling or thinking. Self-observation only works in the present so grab this post at the very moment you go into your self-observation and are sure what you are feeling/thinking. 

Notes

The above list is high-level, and obviously, you may miss the exact emotion or thought that you are looking for. Also, it doesn’t contain a cause-and-effect relationship. (Like, you identify that you are feeling shame, but this list doesn’t try to give further possible clues why you may be feeling it.)

The above list is intentionally not bolded and written with not too high a font size because you may need to grab it in public and not want others to see what you are doing.  

My consciousness and me

My consciousness is me in fact. If I have this image that there is my consciousness and there is me, then I am separating myself from consciousness. What a trick. ‘Me’, trying to convince myself that I need to get there. 

When I realize that my emotions, thoughts, body, and ‘constructs’ are also part of me then I can start to stop this crazy fight. 

This has something to do with letting go. Or with forgiveness. Or with love.

I can acknowledge that my thoughts, emotions, body, etc. are also part of me. I don’t have to feel disgusted about them and try to get rid of them, or be angry at them, or feel ashamed of them. They are part of me. And maybe those parts of me are suffering. It can be a better idea to see them and acknowledge them – and through this acknowledgment help them to run their course.

I can feel consciousness any time

It is this inner feeling or image that is described many times as a presence, a gentle energy field, as God, as space, as some subtle joy that is in us and around us.

It is not that hard to feel it. It is my emotions, thoughts, and other ‘constructs’ that occupy my attention and sometimes I forget that this consciousness is always there.