I want to be better than others. Why? Below is an ideation of its causes. If you are coming to the realization that this is a core problem of yours then this post may help you to move closer to it. It only may as certainly, the job is to find your own thoughts and beliefs that cause this and realize them deeply.

(These are provocative statements for the sake of triggering a change.)

Why do I want to be better than others?

• I have made it the core goal of my life.
  • This is useful. But why did I do that? Where does it come from? Not everybody has this wish. There must be a personal reason.
• It feels good to think this way.
  • Ok, but why? What is this good feeling that I get from it? Is it some kind of satisfaction that I finally made it? (Ah, ok, so there is a goal that I set for myself.)
• I come from a poor family.
  • This is how I want to help my family…
  • This is how I don’t want to be like my family members…
• I have the inner feeling that it is just simply true. And I am waiting for it to happen finally.
  • Am I absolutely sure that I am superior to others?
• I hate feeling that I am worse than others.
  • I never want to feel this way.
  • My logic is that I am either better or worse. And this is how I see others think also.
• I know that there is a thing called a superiority complex and the cause is that deep down I feel inferior.
  • I feel no deepness in this statement.
• It feels good to think that people look up to me.
  • I have this inner image that people look at me and respect me. More than respect actually: Admiration. And a bit of envy. Oh, that also feels good.
• I don’t want to face my reality.
  • This is a good escape if I think that I am better than others.
  • (I realize that this is not a cause.)
• This thought has formed in the past.
• Actually, I do not tell people that I am better than them. I want them to see it. I think they see it.
  • I even act kind, generous, and helpful. Mostly. This is how superior people behave, right?
• I am realizing that this belief is ruining my relationships and other parts of my life.
• I am afraid I will never get rid of this. It is so much part of me.
  • (Kind note: There is nothing wrong with you. It is a belief. Not you. Maybe I can prove it; Think this over: Somebody in you said this sentence “I am afraid I will never get rid of this”. Somebody in you is already ‘dis-identifying’ from it.)
• Fill in this line…

It is all about achievement in our society

It would be hard not to see. This post is not about why our cultures and societies contain this currently. Anyways, if you are presently working on figuring out why you cannot achieve what you want, then this post may be of interest to you. 

“The reason why I can’t achieve what I want is that I actually don’t think at my core that this is good enough for me.” If this resonates with you then this post may be for you. It takes courage, honesty, and quite a level of deepness to realize that this is your challenge in my opinion. And this realization may present an opportunity to solve this conflict of yours and move on finally.

The below may be useful, and as it is many times with posts on SelfChatter, the idea is to trigger thinking and inner work.

My ego’s way

My ego may create this image that I want this thing. But for my ego, this is a question of choice. If I am in victim consciousness or feel I am not worth it, then my ego can use this goal that I want to achieve ‘against’ me – in other words, reinforce the need for its existence by compromising success. Strengthen my victim consciousness, low self-esteem, and alike. So my ego whispers “This is not good enough for you, you deserve better.”

My True Self’s way

Now my True Self works in a different way. If my wish comes from my True Self, it will respond to it. What do I mean with this exactly in the context of “I actually don’t think at the core that this thing I want is good enough for me?” I mean exactly what the thought says: My True Self realizes that it is not good enough for me. This is actually pretty good news if I think it over. My True Self knows exactly what is good for me and it cannot be tricked, manipulated, destroyed, or harmed in any way.   

A side note: I could look at this as a protective function of my True Self. But if I think about conscious manifestation then it is not about protection. My True Self simply only responds to things that are good for me. Not because it selects for me, but because it chooses only to see wishes that are wholehearted, and made out of love. My True Self doesn’t need protection (and it doesn’t matter if you think of it as a standalone being or as one that is in interplay and in co-creation with God).

One logical question

“But I do achieve things that turn out to be bad or unsuccessful for me later. How about that?”

1. In this post, I am writing about consciously knowing what I want and not about the unconscious wandering of my mind.
2. I cannot be sure that the things I deem bad or unsuccessful are really invaluable. It is true that it takes a lot of consciousness to connect the dots. 

An unmet need

(Let me just put into context what I mean by an unmet need here. My needs that result in things like Feeling unloved, feeling not being worthy, thinking that I am not able to make it, etc.)

When the thing that I want to achieve is formed because of an unmet need I have, then I don’t think it is likely that I will get it. Why?

• The ego’s response: My unmet needs are “in my ego’s territory”, and so it is likely that my ego will respond, and chances are that my ego formed my wish. And my ego will surface my unmet needs. Until I solve them, integrate them.   
• My True Self’s response: My True Self responds to things that I am wholeheartedly asking for. A “dirty” example of why my True Self will not respond (or not how I want): Say that I want to win the lottery. If this wish is because of an unmet need then it is not money that I want actually. But people’s admiration, respect, love, feeling safe, or whatever my logic is what that money will bring me.

Shame

This may be the reason why you came to this post. 

When I have this “not good enough” thinking then it can be that I have toxic shame. Why? The way I look at the outside world comes from my inner world, the way I look at myself. If I look at myself as “not good enough” then it is very likely that I project this to the world around me. Then my failures to achieve things are opportunities to realize how I think about myself.

Does this resonate with you? “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.”

I am trying to phrase the same thing in another way: “I am afraid to relax because then I would not know what to do.”

Maybe one step further?: “My stress keeps me together and I am afraid I would lose control if I relaxed.”

One step further?: “I can’t relax because I am afraid I would lose my consciousness.” – to me personally, this is the closest to reality. This is pretty paradoxical.

(One more: “I can’t relax because I am afraid my life would open up too much.”)

Understanding of causes and effects

Depending on how deep you go there are different understandings about the same question. 

I could have given this answer: “I can’t relax because I am stressed.”. Probably true. And then my job would be to find why I am stressed, and eliminate it. 

But the above doesn’t say this. It says the “Obstacle I have is my fear of losing my present life”. I personally believe that this understanding is one step further than the one that states that the core of my problem is my stress. Why? Because the thought “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.” doesn’t state why I cannot relax but it already states what effect my inability to relax will have. And that implicitly means – there is a good probability – that you have already ‘cooked’ this question already in yourself. I know it may sound pompous.

It also explicitly means that you are already interested in the next step. And also maybe you have no problem staying in the tension that your present inability to relax causes you. 

(There is no problem in staying on a ‘higher level’ – it is not a race. Maybe that is what you need to solve what makes you suffer. But if the suffering doesn’t end, chances are there is a need to go deeper.)

Phrasing my problem and my answer to why it is happening

Note: All the above cause-and-effect reasoning may sound very logical but the thing is that insights come out of our ‘no thingness’ – our consciousness. Maybe what happens is that we are, or we become capable of receiving and understanding some things. 

Anyways. Do I need to be able to phrase my problem? We are all different so my answer is: Not necessarily verbally. Maybe in another way. But you need to express it, name it, and paint a picture in your mind. When you do that, you create an opportunity for yourself to let that thing go. Actually more than letting it go, but integrating it. You become more ‘anti-fragile’ when you process it.  

I have written a separate article about an effective method of how to phrase my problems. It is here: The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way. This article also contains a useful method: What is behind my constant restlessness? 

The work to be done

We all wish it was so easy to become conscious about a problem without much labor. I singlehandedly figured out that until this happens, there is hard work to be done…

The above is just one idea of why you may have a hard time relaxing. So here are some other starting points. I am putting in some links to other articles on Self Chatter as to a large extent this site is about understanding ourselves. 

Fear, anxiety

It sounds obvious and this is why it is important. My experience shows that I just simply miss the ‘obvious’ in trying to figure out why I can’t relax and why my thoughts are constantly racing. 

Am I in some form of panic?

Am I afraid of losing my safety?

Hustle culture

Today’s culture demands us to always be on the edge. We do not necessarily have to have any personal challenges in our life; It is all too easy to fall victim to the hustle culture around us.  

Confusion

I find that this is important. I believe that one of the leading causes of why we can hardly relax comes from our confusion. It is so easy to overlook that “My main problem is that I am confused.” because – Well… Because I am confused and do not know what to do. It is like my confusion is sitting on top of everything. 

Inherited behavior, mindset

Put simply, we inherit unfinished business and behaviors. Nothing that we have ‘done’, things were just passed on to us. The main reason it is hard to connect those dots and become conscious of them is that they have been with us since childhood.

Shame, expectations towards me

Clues: Shame easily causes us to be on constant alert. Shame keeps us thinking all the time. Shame is a form of fear. 

There is a connection to the above ‘Inherited behavior, mindset’ chapter: Shame is intergenerational. 

My anger and tension because I don’t get what I want

Again, it sounds obvious. Don’t we get tense if we do not get what we want? Imagine if this need is unconscious: What if we just have a constant feeling that we are lacking something in our life but we don’t know what? Here is an article on this: I have been waiting all my life. 

• • • Fear

    • Shame

    • Anger

    • I feel like a victim.

    • Sadness

    • Confusion

    • Panic

    • I don’t know what I am feeling.

    • I am muted

What it is and its usage

This is a quick list that you can use to help yourself identify what you are feeling or thinking. Self-observation only works in the present so grab this post at the very moment you go into your self-observation and are sure what you are feeling/thinking. 

Notes

The above list is high-level, and obviously, you may miss the exact emotion or thought that you are looking for. Also, it doesn’t contain a cause-and-effect relationship. (Like, you identify that you are feeling shame, but this list doesn’t try to give further possible clues why you may be feeling it.)

The above list is intentionally not bolded and written with not too high a font size because you may need to grab it in public and not want others to see what you are doing.  

My consciousness and me

My consciousness is me in fact. If I have this image that there is my consciousness and there is me, then I am separating myself from consciousness. What a trick. ‘Me’, trying to convince myself that I need to get there. 

When I realize that my emotions, thoughts, body, and ‘constructs’ are also part of me then I can start to stop this crazy fight. 

This has something to do with letting go. Or with forgiveness. Or with love.

I can acknowledge that my thoughts, emotions, body, etc. are also part of me. I don’t have to feel disgusted about them and try to get rid of them, or be angry at them, or feel ashamed of them. They are part of me. And maybe those parts of me are suffering. It can be a better idea to see them and acknowledge them – and through this acknowledgment help them to run their course.

I can feel consciousness any time

It is this inner feeling or image that is described many times as a presence, a gentle energy field, as God, as space, as some subtle joy that is in us and around us.

It is not that hard to feel it. It is my emotions, thoughts, and other ‘constructs’ that occupy my attention and sometimes I forget that this consciousness is always there. 

Does this resonate with you?

“I get lazy because if I had to be active then the pain behind my depression would be too great.”

Described in a different way: “If I had to work ( especially do things that I don’t want) I could not concentrate on keeping my pain at bay.”

How about this?: “The thought that comes is that it is just not worth it.” 

What is very telling about this thought is that while it is very logical for depression (when I am depressed I stop caring and lose motivation) this ‘insight’ usually doesn’t bring a breakthrough – I mean many of us find it true and still not a lot happens, even if we cook it for a long time. 

This is a short article, solely written for ‘Depression vs. Laziness’. If you want to read more about depression then here are some suggestions:

Why don’t I fit in the world around me?

The connection between my depression and addictions.

What is this mild sadness in me?

The cause(s) of my depression

Depression is caused by a sense of loss. I define loss as something that I lost or something that I did not get but I find I should have. 

The cause of my depression is mainly unconscious. 

I find that this is because its roots are in childhood – they started happening in childhood. I could hardly get depressed at a more mature stage if I had not been hit by a sense of loss at a stage of my personal development at a very vulnerable state. Or from another point of view: I did not have the required level of consciousness (strong enough Self) to process my sadness and depression. Why does it matter? Because it can give a clue why it is so hard to process depression. (This article does not go into how depression forms.)

‘..something that I did not get but I should have.’

When I find that I should have gotten something but I didn’t, it will have the same effect as losing something. Many times it can be much harder to connect the dots in our solution-oriented world. It takes a higher level of abstraction and one example is when one understands that the cause is her depression is that she sees how unconscious and immature her family of origin may be. 

If this resonates with you then go deeper into finding out what you are missing in your life and in the world around you. Here is a possible route for you: Why don’t I fit in the world around me?

Cause-and-effect examples

• • • Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
    • Cause: His mother could not be there for him when he got into a state of distress and it happened many times (for example, she had to take care of his siblings, or had to go to work). He was not – at that age – at a level of maturity to be able to calm himself. 
    • Effect: His nervous system got into a state of shock numerous times and could not get out of it and as a result, this shock got imprinted in him and also manifested in physical illnesses. He also developed a sense of worthlessness that manifested in low self-esteem and he go into relationships where he can replay this sense of worthlessness.

• • • Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
    • Cause: This person grew up in a shame-bound family. Her caretakers – instead of greeting her ‘need for greatness’, ridiculed her because they had problems with their own self-esteem.
    • Effect: She developed shame.

Addictions and depression

Addictions are ways to cope with something painful in our life. Coping mechanisms,  or tools if you will. At the time they formed they served their purpose.

Depression comes with continuous pain, many times very hard to find its roots, and usually, it starts to be with us from early childhood. Understandably many of us turn to some kind of coping mechanism. Some form of addiction. 

Cause-and-effect examples

Here are the above examples complemented with the relationship to addictions.

• • • Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
    • Cause: ..lack of mother’s availability..unable calm himself alone..
    • Effect: …nervous system in a continuous state of shock, physical illnesses, sense of worthlessness, low self-esteem, toxic relationships.
    • Addiction: He became dependent on his partner (and used her as a secure base), even if it is a toxic relationship, and became a chain smoker. 

• • • Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
    • Cause: Shame-bound family. Ridiculing, and other types of direct and indirect shaming practices.
    • Effect: She developed shame.
    • Addiction: She became a workaholic and a fitness maniac (in an effort to show her greatness), and later, her social drinking turned into alcoholism.

What to do?

• Know that it is a grief process (The root cause is depression and as such, a sense of loss.). And know that you need to go through it. 
• You need to give up your addictions. Your grief process will hardly be able to finish if you don’t. 
• Expect some level of pain (worsening of your depression) as you are grieving the things that you lost or did not get but wanted. 
• If you have some serious addiction then seek professional help. 
• Expect a kind of relief on the other side that you could not imagine. 

What NOT to do

• Exit situations that you already identified that connect you to your depression. In other words: Remove yourself from old patterns as much as possible. 
• Stop hoping that it will vanish by itself.
• Don’t judge yourself. Know that grief is hard.
• Don’t give up. Restart when you fail. 

(As the subject is huge my only goal here is to give some food for thought, and I agree with anyone who would argue that there is a lot more to the above. )

A change happens in me when I deeply and clearly see the problem I have about myself and realize that it is not true.

Let’s do it through an example: Belly shame

Although I write about it through a specific example and through imagined happenings, please focus on the abstract behavior and mindset behind it (Though I find that the example may be very relevant to most of us). 

1 – I start facing it.

I sit down, close my eyes, and start focusing on my belly. I am feeling the curves, its big size, and the discomfort it is causing me. I am looking at myself from the outside with my imagination and what I see is an ugly, chubby person. I start to feel disgusted with myself. And I start to become depressed. 

I want to escape from the emotional pain and want to give up. I have my usual escapes: I pull back my belly, start to sit up straight, and put a relaxed smile on my face – ‘I am fit and beautiful, I am fit and beautiful…’. It works for one or two minutes and then my disgust and sadness are back. Probably this is the time I should go to the fridge… or head to the gym and start starving. Not that those worked. Nor the idea that I ignore the fact that I am fat and tell myself that I am still ok. 

There is no escape, I sit back in my pain of disgust. Maybe I can take it for one or two more minutes…No, but I cannot, I pass out. I cannot take it any longer. Let me just cry. You won. I am a failure. I admit I am fat.

(what happened: You could come closer to it. You had the courage this time to face it.)

2 – I am separating from it

I am genuinely facing my emotional pain and thoughts about my belly shame. Somewhere I read that the method to start processing my pains is to ‘revisit’ them and look at them consciously. Observe it while being in it. Good that this comes to my mind just at the right moment.

So I try to look at this situation from the outside, like an observer. Sort of like there is me and there is the situation. It is happening to me but I am not it.

Holy shit!! It is working to some degree. I am starting to feel some relief. And I am able to stay in it. What I experience is that I am still feeling those curves and how big my belly is, but I am basically just looking at it. I am not saying that it is physically pleasing but somehow the emotional pain is fading. 

(what happened: You have started to rewire yourself. On all levels.)

3 – Window of additional opportunity

In addition to the above, you may experience some other things. You may consciously realize that your beliefs changed (or even that you can decide how you want them to change.). And maybe not only in connection to the given issue.

If we take the above belly shame example: While you may not like the size of your belly, you are not shame-bound to it. And you may experience that you are now less shame-bound in other areas of your life also.

Notes

• Seek professional help or someone you trust if you feel unsafe! It is important!!! Someone who can hold you emotionally as you are doing your work. Tell that person what you are doing and what help you wish to receive.
• Don’t give up if it doesn’t work ‘soon’ enough. Trust me, you will find no one who did it ‘soon’ enough.
• Experience shows that although we all dream of a sudden and everlasting release, what happens to most of us is that we are going in and out until we fully process it and integrate it. 
• Although the above outlines a specific and consciously known issue, I find that it can work the same way for problems that we are not fully conscious of. 

Am I right with my assumption that you think you are not doing anything now? Well, most probably that is not the case. In fact, you are probably very busy thinking. 

This is what may be happening. You are waiting for something to happen. Whatever it may be, if you are a bit like most of us, then you could probably not tell what you are waiting for. 

And chances are that all the thinking that you are doing in your inner world is nothing else than an attempt to figure out what exactly you should do so that the most awaited change finally happens. Be it fully unconscious or partially conscious – I mean your thoughts – the thing is that they probably arise from some conflict or contrast, and until this conflict is solved in you, you will not be ready to do a change – and so stop your waiting.

So the question boils down to: How do I resolve an internal conflict in me? Now that subject is well beyond the scope of one article but I would like to share this with you now: When change happens in my life it usually happens if one of these three things happen: (1) I get so fed up that I give up, or (2) I realize that getting something that may not be the exact thing that I want is still better than nothing, or (3) I just simply start doing something (anything) that actually triggers a change of mindset in me where I realize that this lack of movement (waiting) is in me and not in the world around me. 

I think there is this positive mindset that arises that whatever comes will be good. 

Certainly, there is very well the possibility that you are waiting for something to happen that is real and ‘outside you’. At the time of this article there are huge changes taking place, and you very well just feel that there is something to wait for.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to become conscious about. It goes deep and touches almost everything in most of us, yet it is very hard to consciously grasp what exactly we are afraid of. This article is for those who want to know the root cause of their fear. And I picked the one “root cause” that I see coming up everywhere.

In my life it took years to state why I feel fear many times. And this is what I distilled it down to: “I am afraid of losing my safety.”

How Does it Form?

Did you ever think about this: What comes first in your opinion, thought or emotion? In other words: Do your thoughts and beliefs form your emotions or your emotions form your thoughts (beliefs)? I asked this question a lot of times and way more people said that emotion comes first and they form the thoughts.

People dealing with this say that what may be closer to reality is this: First we have a sensory perception of the situation. Then our mind processes this perception, tries to understand it, make sense of it. The result of this “process” is what I call a thought. Then this thought (a way of looking at the situation) may trigger an emotion. 

So my point is: Fear is a reaction to how we perceive a situation. In other words our logic on how we understand the given situation.  

There are so many things that we can be afraid of. Why the fear of losing our safety is one of the main themes?

Why Does it Form?

Just this one article would be way too long to go into deep details and my intent is to come with some food for thought. Also, I am not implying at all that any of the below are in direct cause-and-effect relationship to the fear of losing safety.

• Passed on as a mindset from the family of origin or the “world around us”.
  • We are social beings, we learn from each other, we require unity. And it can happen all too easy that we unconsciously take mindsets and behaviors from people around us. Note: The fear carried on with the mindset may not have much or any connection to reality.
• Abandonment in early childhood.
  • Developmental psychologist recognize that abandonment – especially if prolonged – will lead to severe problems. I find that one of the layers deep down will probably be the fear of losing our safety.
• Emotional or physical abuse.
• A father (or father figure) unable to help the child to become more independent. 

Hiding Places

Again, I am not implying at all that any of the below are in direct cause-and-effect relationship. I am only trying to come with some food for thought again so that you can connect more dots in your life. (And I guess the below list could grow into the hundreds until we said, ok, now we covered some…)

• I am a people pleaser.
  • I was taught (verbally or non-verbally) that I need to always look to please people well beyond what is in balance so that they “don’t leave me and tolerate my presence”.  I need to be the inferior one.
• I am pulling back my belly so it doesn’t look that big. Belly shame in other words.
  • I get to the conclusion from the world around me that I need to look good to fit in. Otherwise I run the risk of getting excluded.
• I cannot say no.
  • Maybe I was not allowed to get to that place where I could understand that there is nothing wrong with saying no.
• I have a hard time to know what I want.
  • The idea of letting myself think freely and experiment mentally makes me think that I would lose control. Not to mention the shame that may also kick in.
• I want to become very rich.
  • It isn’t hard to inherit this twisted belief in our society that money will buy you safety…
• I do not dare to leave a bad job, a toxic relationship.
  • One of the main things why we want to belong somewhere is to feel safe. Sometimes at any cost. I am probably not saying a lot of new thoughts here.
• My back is hunched.
  • My belief that I have to be inferior to other people so that I “receive some safety” shows up in my body posture. 

Fear of Losing my Safety as My Main Belief System in My Life 

It can go so deep, it can start to form so early in life, and it can bind us so much that it can become the main theme. It can be so much in front of us that we can have a problem to consciously realize that it is one of our main themes.