Why do people shame each other? We immediately recognize and admit that it exists almost everywhere, yet it is not obvious why people do it. And I don’t think we realize how widespread it is in our everyday life.

Shame is arguably one if not the biggest obstacle to happiness. And probably one of the greatest sources of human suffering. A lot can be said about shame and our attempt with this small article is to touch on some main aspects of it and to talk about the actual act of one person shaming the other. Take the below as some food for thought.

What is shame?

It is a form of fear. Social fear.

What does social fear exactly mean here? It means that it comes from and through our relationships with other people.

There are two types of shame

Healthy shame

The general mindset: “I have done something not quite right.”

Healthy shame helps me to function well in my relationships and in society. In plain English, when I do something not quite right, it is ok to feel ashamed about it. It is generally somewhat easy to acknowledge it and change my behavior. The key here is that I realize that I did something not quite right and I know that there is nothing wrong with me as a human being.

Toxic shame

The general mindset: “There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Toxic shame touches the core of my being. I find that it is not that I did something wrong but it is my whole Self that is defective. I question my whole being and as a consequence, I do not see a way out.

Toxic shame develops early in life

This is very controversial but probably there is truth to it: If someone has a well-developed sense of self it is very improbable that he/she will develop toxic shame in such a state of being. But the early stages of self-development are very delicate and can be very bumpy. Imagine this real-life example: One of the crucial steps in the development of a healthy self and a healthy ego is healthy narcissism in the early years of life. A small child, at one stage of development, will “fall in love” with herself. She realizes that she is capable of amazing things, and she realizes how great she is. What can be less healthy than this realization? If all goes well then this small child steps over this and goes to other steps of self-development. Well, in our present culture and society, this hardly ever goes well. Instead what happens painfully many times is that the parents (or other “grown-ups” around) will shame that small child for acting so “shameless”. Why? Because the child’s behavior triggers their own toxic shame and they do not realize that the child’s shameless and grandiose behavior is healthy at this stage, it will resolve – well, if we let it or even if we help the child. This is one of the ways how toxic shame is unconsciously passed on from generation to generation.   

Why do we develop shame?

Shame is very social, and very relational. Only social beings are capable of developing shame. Shame can be thought of as a mental construct to how we relate to the world around us. A common real-world example: My mother shamed me and as a small child I “had no other option or another idea” than to internalize it and accept that “I am a flawed person”. My mother meant everything to me, she was my source of love, safety, joy, etc. It was at that time impossible for me to comprehend that she was wrong. Not to mention the unthinkable possibility that she wanted something bad for me.

How shame is a form of fear

I am afraid of losing my safety, I am afraid of losing love, I am afraid of losing connection.

One of the main effects of toxic shame is addictions

Toxic shame is unbearable to the point that we need to find some sort of remedy to it. One of the most common coping mechanisms is addiction.

Shaming

Such an effective way to control someone and limit someone’s life. Someone shames me, I question myself, I start to lose my self-confidence and dignity, I start to internalize it, get confused, anxious, and be in panic. I start to behave in ways I would otherwise not do – I basically lose myself and lose my limits. Easy to become a target to predatory people and manipulation.

The above is a conscious act. Another common act is when people unconsciously pass on their own shame. After all, shame is a mental construct regarding our social connections – passing on the hot potato has been an idea for many. If the receiving end is perceptive and allows it then it offers relief for some time.

If you wish to go deeper a fantastic book on the subject is John Bradshaw’s ‘Healing the shame that binds you’ – Learn more

The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way is about deeply understanding my own self.

There is zero greatness to this post, no big revelations. It’s just that the subject is important, and there is a chance you will become more effective with your inner work. 

The method

Phrasing it

It sounds obvious, but you have to phrase it to name it. Otherwise, you run the risk of just endlessly ‘walking in a mist’. This is much more important than it looks, because it is so easy to be unconscious when we are in a conflict, a great deal of anxiety, or stress. Tell yourself to phrase your problem when it appears.

Why basic?

When you are basic it is a sign that you have gone deep. Your Self is basic. In the best way possible.

Why short?

Your true self hardly phrases thoughts and emotions in 30-word sentences. When your phrasing is short enough, it usually means that you have cooked it well.

Resonate

Go with what resonates with you. Your thought about your problem is only yours; no one else needs to understand it. And no one else needs to resonate with it. What matters is that it is true to you.

Change it as your understanding develops

It is a very good sign if you change it. It means that you are deepening your understanding. And you may change it back to a previous one; and that is all okay too.  

Have discipline

Phrasing your problems in a short and basic way will actually help in having discipline. It is less energy up front, and gives enough punch to get to the next step. 

An example

“Why don’t I get what I want?”

• It is short.
• It is basic.
• (It does resonate with me. There is much more to it for me than what meets the eye.)

In a “perfect world”, conflicts would not be hard to handle. I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want and we find a solution that is acceptable for both of us.

Most of us look at conflicts as dramas and as dangerous situations. We unconsciously connect the present situation to a dramatic/traumatic event that happened to us in the past and we project it to the present moment.

When a familiar situation arises that resembles a previous event that we once deemed threatening we fall into the “black hole” of panic, anger, fear and you name it. And in this “black hole” we can only use a degraded way of coping.

Another aspect that makes it hard for the majority of us to get out of the “black hole” is that usually everybody around us gets triggered in such situations. It is hard not to be in a panic when everyone else is.

Here is another aspect or possible setup: (This doesn’t necessarily involve a feeling of panic and fear, but anger.) We feel betrayed and angry because we find that the other person is immoral or unfair with their request. While this may be the case experience shows that in most cases this is not the case but rather our misjudgment – or it is because the other person thinks the same about us so they “fight back”.

One more possible aspect: Shame. We feel shame that we ask for something. So our shame triggers us and we go into the conflict situation with a sense of fear already.

One – probably the biggest – obstacle to most of us is that when we are in an emotionally triggering situation we cannot think clearly and cannot calm our emotions. This is exactly how trauma works: We become unconscious and degraded in our abilities. Psychologists say that the way out of it is to revisit our trauma(s) and take a look, this time with a conscious eye. And a miracle may happen that we may have a window of opportunity to “rewrite” them.

Once I am not triggered emotionally and mentally by the conflict situation I realize that conflicts are all normal, they are not dramatic or dangerous situations, it is ok to have needs – all in all just a normal part of human life.