Seeker: I’m exhausted. I feel everyone’s problems and I cannot not help. I can’t say no. It’s like I’m running a 24/7 crisis hotline.

Companion: What happens when you imagine saying no?

Seeker: I can try to imagine that, but it will just be my imagination. What I feel in reality is that they need me. If I don’t help, who will?

Companion: That’s interesting – “who will?” Do you remember the last time anyone asked that about you?

Seeker: What do you mean?

Companion: Who came the last time when you needed help? Or when you needed help as a child, who came?

Seeker: That’s a good question. I don’t remember really needing help. I shape my life so I don’t need help. When I was a child, I don’t remember needing help either. I was the one who helped. My mom was depressed, my dad worked all the time. Someone had to keep things together.

Companion: How old were you when you became the helper?

Seeker: Ten maybe. Old enough to know what the problem was and what needs to be done. I was good at it. I knew how to make mom and dad smile.

Companion: So at ten, you were managing adult emotions. What happened to the ten-year-old who might have needed managing?

Seeker: I don’t know what you’re asking.

Companion: You became very good at rescuing others. I’m curious what you needed rescuing from.

Seeker: Nothing. I was fine. I am fine. I feel like we’re changing subject. This isn’t about me being broken or something.

Companion: I didn’t say broken. But you did just shift from past to present – “I was fine, I am fine.” Like you’re still proving something.

Seeker: I know how to handle things. That’s who I am.

Companion: Who you are, or who you had to become?

Seeker: Does it matter? This is my life now. People need me.

Companion: What do you need?

Seeker: That’s not how I think!

Companion: I noticed. You know exactly what everyone else needs. But when I ask about you, you disappear.

Seeker: Because it’s not about me. There’s actual suffering out there.

Companion: And in here? Is there suffering in here too?

Seeker: I cannot stop helping.

Companion: Why? What happens?

Seeker: Nothing. Nothing happens. No one comes.

Companion: Ah.

Seeker: What?

Companion: You just told me what the ten-year-old learned. If you’re not the rescuer, no one comes.

Seeker: If I am not the rescuer, no one comes? I mean, that was then.

Companion: And now you run a 24/7 crisis hotline. Still hoping?

Seeker: Hoping for what?

Companion: You tell me. What would it mean if someone finally came for you?

Seeker: I don’t need anyone. I’m not waiting for rescuing if that is what you mean.

Companion: Every time you rescue someone else, what are you actually doing?

Seeker: Giving them what they need.

Companion: Go on.

Seeker: Ok, I admit it is also in it that I want to feel better too. I don’t feel well now.

Companion: And so you keep giving.

Seeker: Because maybe if I give enough… That’s completely insane.

Companion: Is it? Or is it a ten-year-old’s logic that never got updated?

Seeker: I don’t know how to stop.

Companion: What if stopping isn’t the first step? What if the first step is just seeing it – that the rescuer is actually the one waiting to be rescued?

Seeker: Then what? I just sit with that?

Companion: What else is there to do with the truth?

Seeker: I hate this. I really hate this.

Seeker: Nothing means anything anymore. I go through the motions but it all feels… pointless.

Companion: When you say “nothing means anything” — what kind of things used to feel meaningful?

Seeker: My work, mostly. Building things, achieving goals. Being good at what I do. Now I hit every milestone and feel nothing. Actually less than nothing — like I’m wasting my life. Things I did gave me a strong sense of purpose before. I was happy.

Companion: What happens when you hit those milestones?

Seeker: I post about it. People congratulate me. Then I move on to the next thing. It’s like eating cardboard.

Companion: You post about it. For who?

Seeker: I don’t know. Everyone? No one? It’s what you do. You achieve something, you share it. Otherwise did it even happen?

Companion: I’m curious — if you couldn’t tell anyone about your achievements, would you still pursue them?

Seeker: Hah. Probably not most of them. That sounds terrible to admit.

Companion: What would you do instead?

Seeker: I honestly don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been so focused on doing meaningful things that I don’t even know what I actually… want.

Companion: “Doing meaningful things.” Meaningful to who?

Seeker: To society? My parents? I was always the achiever. The one who was going to do important things. Make a difference. All that.

Companion: And now you’re doing those important things.

Seeker: Yeah. And they feel completely hollow. Like I’m performing in a play I didn’t audition for.

Companion: What would happen if you stopped performing?

Seeker: I’d probably disappear. No one would know what to do with me. I wouldn’t know what to do with me.

Companion: You said earlier that you feel like you’re wasting your life. What if the waste is the performance itself?

Seeker: You mean what if I’m wasting my life doing things that look meaningful instead of… wait. Instead of finding out what actually matters to me?

Companion: What actually does matter to you?

Seeker: I don’t know. That’s terrifying. I’m 35 and I don’t know what matters to me. Just what I’ve been told should matter.

Companion: The emptiness you’re feeling — what if it’s not a problem? What if it’s your real self saying no to borrowed meanings?

Seeker: So I’m not broken? I’m just done pretending things matter when they don’t?

Companion: What do you think?

Seeker: I think I’ve been living someone else’s definition of meaningful. And maybe the emptiness is just the space where my own meaning would go. If I knew what that was.

Companion: And if you don’t know yet?

Seeker: Then I guess I’d have to find out. Without performing it for anyone. That’s… I don’t even know how to do that.

Seeker: I’m so tired I can barely function. But every time I try to rest, I just can’t. It’s like there’s this motor inside that won’t turn off.

Companion: What happens when you do manage to stop? Even for a moment?

Seeker: I get anxious. Really anxious. Like I should be doing something, fixing something, getting ahead of something. My brain starts making lists.

Companion: And if you push past the lists? Stay in the stillness longer?

Seeker: I don’t.

Companion: But imagine you did. What are you afraid you’d find there?

Seeker: Nothing. That’s the thing — it feels like there’s nothing there. Just… blank. Like I disappear or something.

Companion: You disappear when you’re not doing?

Seeker: Yeah. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud.

Companion: When did you first learn that equation — that doing equals existing?

Seeker: I don’t know. Maybe actually, my mom used to forget about me when I was quiet. Like literally forget I was in the room. But when I was helping or performing or achieving, then I was “her wonderful helper”. At least this is how I understood this.

Companion: So motion meant being seen. Being still meant becoming invisible.

Seeker: God. Yeah. And my dad — he only knew how to connect through tasks. Fixing things together, working on projects. That was love.

Companion: What happened to the parts of you that just wanted to be? Not do anything, just exist?

Seeker: I guess I stopped having those parts.

Companion: Or you buried them so deep that now they feel like “nothing” when you get close to them. That blank space you’re afraid of — what if it’s not empty?

Seeker: What else would it be?

Companion: Who were you before you learned you had to earn your existence?

Seeker: I don’t remember. When I was very little I used to just sit and watch bugs. They amused me. I used to draw pictures of clouds. Stupid stuff.

Companion: What made it stupid?

Seeker: It wasn’t useful. It wasn’t helping anyone. It wasn’t… I don’t know. It just was.

Companion: You just were. And that was enough?

Seeker: Until it wasn’t. Oh. Oh shit.

Companion: What are you seeing?

Seeker: The burnout. It’s not from doing too much. It’s because there’s no me under all the doing. Like I’m running this program that thinks if I stop, I stop existing.

Companion: And your exhaustion?

Seeker: It’s like… something in me is trying to force me to stop. To find out what’s actually there. But I’m terrified there’s nothing.

Companion: That child watching bugs — did they worry about being nothing?

Seeker: No. They just were. Fuck. I don’t even know how to do that anymore. Just be.

Companion: What would happen if you found out you still exist when you’re not producing?

Seeker: I don’t know. That’s the thing — I literally cannot imagine it. My whole life is built on… on being useful. On earning my spot.

Companion: And now?

Seeker: Now I’m so tired I could cry. And I probably will. Because maybe the exhaustion is trying to show me something.

Companion: What?

Seeker: That there’s something under all this. Someone. And they’re tired of being buried under all this doing.

Seeker: I have this ongoing fear in the background that something terrible is about to happen. Nothing bad happens, but the feeling won’t leave.

Companion: Where do you feel it in your body?

Seeker: My body? Maybe in my stomach sometimes. Like… bracing. Like right before a car accident, that split second where you see it coming.

Companion: You’re bracing for impact.

Seeker: Constantly. Even when everything’s fine. Especially when everything’s fine, actually. Actually, I wouldn’t say bracing for impact. This is always there.

Companion: Tell me more about that — especially when things are fine.

Seeker: That’s when it’s worst. When things are quiet, calm, going well. That’s when I get really anxious. Like the calm before something explodes.

Companion: What does calm mean to you?

Seeker: I don’t know. Dangerous? That sounds crazy.

Companion: Not crazy at all. When did you first learn that calm was dangerous?

Seeker: My dad. He’d be fine, totally normal, then out of nowhere — rage. The quiet days were the worst because you never knew when it would flip.

Companion: So you learned to read the signs.

Seeker: I got really good at it. I could tell by how he closed the car door. By which coffee mug he used. I think I got really good at this.

Companion: You were the family weather system. The early warning.

Seeker: I’d warn my siblings. Get them out of the way. Try to redirect him sometimes, distract him before it started.

Companion: That’s a big job for a child.

Seeker: Someone had to do it.

Companion: What happened when you didn’t catch it in time?

Seeker: Things got bad. Really bad. So I got better at watching. Always watching.

Companion: And now?

Seeker: Now… oh. I’m still doing it. I can tell myself there’s nothing to watch for, but honestly, I don’t believe it.

Companion: Your body doesn’t know that.

Seeker: It’s still scanning. Still… on duty. Even though that house, that danger — it’s twenty years gone.

Companion: What would happen if you went off duty?

Seeker: I don’t know how to do that. It feels like if I stop watching, stop bracing, that’s when it’ll happen. This became part of me.

Companion: The very act of relaxing feels like dropping your guard.

Seeker: Yeah. Exactly. Like I’m inviting disaster by not expecting it.

Companion: You’re still protecting everyone from a threat that isn’t there anymore.

Seeker: But my body doesn’t believe that. It’s like I’m still twelve, reading coffee mugs.

Companion: Still standing watch.

Seeker: Still standing watch. God. I’m so tired.

The realization

What makes self-observation work is the realization of how valuable it is.

Valuing something starts with seeing what that thing really is, its essence. When one starts to see the essence of something, then one can value it based on one’s own mindset and values. This post can only assist with the former: Describe some qualities of self-observation. It cannot assist and does not want to interfere with the latter.

Only when you take in how valuable self-observation is will it start to truly work for you. It is a personal experience, in its deepest sense.

Below, I bring two qualities as my own personal attempts to describe the value of self-observation.

It is unique

It is genuinely unique that a form of life recognizes its own existence and thus is able to look at its own self. Humankind has this ability. Some other animals have it to some degree, but not comparable to our abilities. Today, we don’t know of other forms of life or other forms of existence on our planet or anywhere else that possess this ability. Some say that this ability is a product of nature’s experimentation. Others say that it was meant to happen. Uniqueness here refers to its unmatched function — nothing else in nature does anything close. It is not merely the fact that we may be the only ones who possess it.

We have unmatched potential through it

Let me have the luxury to put this simply and not be politically or scientifically correct: How do you otherwise have the ability, or at least a viable chance to change towards where you want to go? How can somebody have a conscious choice, an act of conscious change (or maybe change at all) without the ability to look and understand their own self? My experience is that people can answer this question, and certainly according to their values.

The paradox of the self and the mirror

The reason why many people do not see what tool they possess (I didn’t) is because of something else:  Self-awareness and the ability to observe one’s self is so much our given nature that we have a hard time seeing that this is our most potent tool for progress. We need to value a tool with the use of that very tool, while that tool is so much our nature that we are the tool itself.

Let’s do this thought experiment: Imagine that you don’t know you exist as a separate being. In other words, you don’t have self-awareness. Imagine that you go and look in the mirror. You will not know that you are seeing your own self. Now imagine that something happens, you may react, and now imagine that you simply do not have the capacity to look at your own self in relation to that event that happened. Let alone have a conscious choice. The reality is that we do have a self and we do have a mirror (the capacity for self-observation). But many times we use the mirror only to fix our hair.

The mindset that follows

You will have realizations about your own uniqueness. If you haven’t yet, you will realize the importance of the life you live. Most of us struggle to accept our own value. Don’t be surprised if your self starts to work on it more. You will inevitably reach the stage where you stop valuing yourself in relation to external expectations. Be willing to go further than you ever imagined as your life deepens.

Your mind, your thinking will be more comfortable with paradoxes. As your self-observation deepens, so will your acceptance for what reality is. You will look at yourself more broadly and that will have an integrative effect on you.

You will be clearer in how you develop your values and logic. Your deepening self-observation will lead you to question your values and beliefs. You will value your ability to consciously form and change your values more than any particular value you hold. Your heightened internal clarity will drive clearer choices.

You will start to value the spirit behind things more than before. Put another way: you will prioritize your instinct over your mechanical, conceptual thinking. This is what we call magic, especially in our overengineered world. We are taught to be technocrats even with such human qualities and practices as self-awareness and self-observation. It is not about understanding it with some mechanical logic or seeing what personal benefit it can bring. While techniques and methods can be valuable (and this post ‘How self-observation works’ somewhat touches on those), they aren’t any substitutes for deep realizations.

Self-observation on why I don’t want to work anymore. This is what I feel when I think of my job.

• Leave me alone with all this bullshit!
• Don’t force such nonsense on me!
• Stop passively or actively shame or bully me! Don’t you know better? I do. I want to be a sensible person also at my job. 
• Don’t scare me?
• Don’t knowingly manipulate me into things I don’t want to do. 
• Of course I don’t like my job anymore; It is a toxic place.
• I understand that this exercise I am doing is less about self reflection but I know that this is right. 
• The big realization for me is that I know I am right. This is the key for me here.
• I understand that some are also projections of mine but actually they are also correct. 
• I know that most workplaces are like that. But again; I don’t care. It doesn’t change that I don’t want to be in such environments. It appears that I grew out of it.

I am tired because I am exhausted.

Most people think that there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to be tired in such times that we are going through.

This tiredness is here for a reason. We are going through profound changes and the tiredness comes from the inner work that we are currently doing.

It is also true that our tiredness comes from our high levels of stress. Which just plainly means that we are tired because we are not able to relax.

Nevertheless, it is not a personal fault. It is not even a fault and it is collective.

Imagine when finally you go through it. There will be a change in your energy.

We are all different (and all the same at the core) so I am not able to say what may have happened to you that you are personally clearing now, so what I can do is write down some of my own personal experiences: When I can finally relax, these are some of the things that happen with me; My body starts to shake as it is trying to let go of the spasms. My breath starts to relax and deepen. I am suddenly fine not to be ‘all-knowing’, my shame drops to a level that I hardly care. The way I look at people who are bullying or manipulating me and others changes completely: I used to either run away or fight with them. Today I just simply do not care, or usually care much less. They have no effect on me other than sometimes I feel sorry for people with such behavior.

This is a complete change because I don’t want to ‘solve’ the sources of stress anymore. I am independent. And I enjoy relaxing.

But above all these personal perceptions, now I know that there is a profound change happening. Not just in me but in all of us. This is the most important knowledge that I recently got. I invite you to fear not. And know that this transition that is something very positive after all.

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-Observation on my anxiety

• I am in a constant state of mild panic.
• I am tired.
• I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
• When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
• I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
• I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
• The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
• It feels as if it will never end.
• I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

• My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
• I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
• Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
• I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
• Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
• Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
• If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
• Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious.