This post is meant to be a quick note, nothing more.

A useful way to think about trauma is to think of it as an addiction. 

I accept that it has power over me.

I know that it goes deep. 

I know that it penetrates all areas of my life. 

I need to be a contrarian: I need to go towards it and not away from it. Above all honesty I can kick in, I do all the inner work I can and seek every help possible. 

Self-observation and consciousness are my best friends.

Self-observation on why I let people betray me

• Betrayal has been around me all my life. 
• I want people to be fully trustable.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• It is so much part of my life that it usually takes quite some time for me to understand that I feel betrayed. 
• Actually, it is not just feeling betrayed. I can very easily fall into situations where people really do betray me.
• I understand that I have a part in creating the situation. I don’t like to admit it but I have to.
• What is strange is that I justify the other person’s behavior. No, it is not strange… I realize that it is a coping mechanism.
• Why do I let people betray me?
• I want people to be fully trustable. And I want to be so close to them; And so much together with them.
• And then comes reality. 
• And I hate myself to be betrayed again.
• One of the things I do is to try to ‘make them understand’, and convince them. 
• Of what? 
• It is disgusting for me to accept that people are not always 100% trustworthy. I am not always 100% trustable.
• It is just one fact of human life.

• I put a lot of trust in people. This is natural to me. 
• When I observe myself trusting someone, it is a good feeling. I don’t want to lose it. I think it is something very valuable to me.
• When someone betrays me the first feeling I have is sadness. I am sad for the other person and for myself that our unity has fallen apart. 
• Betrayal is something very much part of the human experience.
• I need to see what part I have in creating the situation.
• I see that it has to do with me not being mentally and emotionally independent. 
• I am looking for unity at the wrong place… through connecting with someone through their ego.
• I realize I am afraid to accept that I shall be independent. 
• Though it is easy after all: Until I am dependent on another person, it is not even love and unity. Just a form of dependence.
• I trust that I can find unity even after becoming independent. Though it still feels odd. I want unity and still, I know that I have to give it up to really find it.
• I don’t trust but I know that the unity I am looking for comes after independence.  

Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

• I always fall back.
• I always question myself. I become anxious. 
• I am just afraid I will screw it up.
• This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
• Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
• Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
• I don’t dare to confront.

• I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
• And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
• Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
• I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
• This works! I need to find what causes it. 
• What is the real root cause?
• Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
• …
• It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
• This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
• This sounds strange but it is true.
• In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
• I am afraid of what others will say. 
• When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.

Self-observation on what I am missing

• I’ve come to the conclusion that the root of my hardships is that I am constantly missing something from my life. 
• This feeling of lack shows up everywhere and I see how much this is shaping my whole outlook on life.
• I have been looking everywhere and try to find what I am missing. Or what I have lost.
• I deeply looked into my past. My childhood, my traumas, and how I developed shame, resentment, and anger. And all the rest of it. 
• I also see how much love and joy I have had. And all the successes.
• And I have this constant feeling in the back of my mind that something is missing.
• Before I understood the effect of past events on my life. That understanding helped then. It is helpful today also but I understand very well that there is more to it.
• There is a sequence of steps in development. There is understanding that helps to develop the next one. Usually a deeper one.
• This feeling of lack is deeper. It is not just that things didn’t happen in the past the way I had hoped. Today those events serve as mere eye-openers for me. They are here to help.

• I suddenly come to the realization that what I am missing is commitment.
• Why do I have this realization? What does it mean? This understanding that what I miss is commitment feels happy. And fearful.
• Commitment to what we usually call God.
• Things aren’t in place without this.
• This is what I am missing.

I am tired because I am exhausted.

Most people think that there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to be tired in such times that we are going through.

This tiredness is here for a reason. We are going through profound changes and the tiredness comes from the inner work that we are currently doing.

It is also true that our tiredness comes from our high levels of stress. Which just plainly means that we are tired because we are not able to relax.

Nevertheless, it is not a personal fault. It is not even a fault and it is collective.

Imagine when finally you go through it. There will be a change in your energy.

We are all different (and all the same at the core) so I am not able to say what may have happened to you that you are personally clearing now, so what I can do is write down some of my own personal experiences: When I can finally relax, these are some of the things that happen with me; My body starts to shake as it is trying to let go of the spasms. My breath starts to relax and deepen. I am suddenly fine not to be ‘all-knowing’, my shame drops to a level that I hardly care. The way I look at people who are bullying or manipulating me and others changes completely: I used to either run away or fight with them. Today I just simply do not care, or usually care much less. They have no effect on me other than sometimes I feel sorry for people with such behavior.

This is a complete change because I don’t want to ‘solve’ the sources of stress anymore. I am independent. And I enjoy relaxing.

But above all these personal perceptions, now I know that there is a profound change happening. Not just in me but in all of us. This is the most important knowledge that I recently got. I invite you to fear not. And know that this transition that is something very positive after all.

There are these thoughts. And there is this body. And the spirit decides to help them out. The thing with the thoughts and the body is not that much that they are not real; They are real in a way, though temporary. The problem is that they are born out of a need, and that determines their whole being. They are lacking essence.

One of the main methods to treat trauma – like PTSD – is to get to the point of revisiting the trauma and ‘rewiring’ it. That is consciousness in action. The Spirit, the Consciousness affects the thought. The thought and the body don’t do it. Although it looks like it for them.

Self-Observation on why I am afraid to win

• I dream about becoming successful but when I am getting closer to it – much to my surprise – I realize I am taking my time to get there. I realize that I am afraid.
• First I think I am afraid of losing, but actually no. I am afraid of what would happen if I finally got what I wanted.
• I am afraid to face it.
• Winning is not natural to me.
• I feel a strong level of suppression in me. This is in connection with my behavior that I don’t want to win. Only in my dreams.
• Maybe this is depression. But not only. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I got used to not being successful. But this is not fully true either.
• It sometimes also feels like I am doing some kind of game. It feels as if I am not taking it seriously. Some kind of sabotage. I am not sure if this is something good or not. 
• Anyways, it is very true that my mind is just not geared for this kind of life where I have satisfaction and winning. Rather it is geared for hardships. I am constantly on the lookout for what is wrong. I want to change this.
• This is also very true: Right the moment I get close to thinking about myself as a successful person I get disoriented and confused.
• Right now I think that I don’t dare to be successful because I don’t feel safe there. This is not a true conclusion. I will change this consciously. 
• Well, When needed, I will let myself remember that I am safe if I am successful. I am not in danger. 

Self-observation on my constant tiredness

• I am not able to come out of my tiredness. It has now become a new norm.
• Why can’t I let go and relax?
• I am constantly tired because I am constantly stressed.
• I try to let myself go and it just doesn’t work. I just sit in my tension. 
• I am running away from something.
• No, I am not running away. I cannot look at it. 
• I am not sure what it is that I have to look at. 
• That thing that I should look at feels mild and fragile.
• I just don’t know what it is.

• What causes my tension?
• My physical tension is caused by mental tension.
• I don’t know what causes my mental tension.
• I am afraid of something.
• Nowadays this tension got bigger.
• My fear isn’t conscious. It is somewhere deeper.
• This is a trauma. This is why it is not conscious and this is why I have a hard time getting closer to it.

• I am fed up and tired of being in this anxiety.
• For a glimpse, now I see that this fear is helping me. In a way, I am helping myself.
• Strangely, this is not just fear but some need. There is a level of anger here also.
• This anxiety and anger I am working with is not like it used to be earlier. I have this recognition that I am going through a shift. This recognition is a huge thing. I think this shift is not only happening to me. I can see signs of it all around me. This shift is causing the tiredness.
• What I see now is that anxiety comes from some need to feel safe. I want to belong. 
• I want to be myself. In that space, I am not anxious. I enjoy myself.

Self-Observation on my anxiety

• I am in a constant state of mild panic.
• I am tired.
• I cannot exactly phrase what is bothering me; The best I can say is that I am in a state of fear.
• When I can concentrate a little then I realize I am afraid of losing my safety.
• I cannot tell exactly what I feel.
• I am confused. This is really threatening; these racing thoughts. 
• The worst is this confusion. It is making me want to speed up and do more more more, get more more more. Like as if it is feeding itself.
• It feels as if it will never end.
• I have a much harder time to do self-observation on my anxiety than on other things in my life because it is a whirlpool. I am so easily pulled back into it.

Chain of thoughts coming when I can go deeper

• My anxiety is turning my life upside down.
• I cannot do what I once set out for myself. 
• Wait. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
• I want to get out of my anxiety but at the same time, I also want to stay in it and solve it. So that it never comes back.
• Right now, I just want to give up. I am fed up and exhausted.
• Another strange observation: My anxiety acts like some sort of motivation for me.
• If I stop caring, my anxiety is pretty much gone. I don’t want to go on anymore because I find that what I have been doing before is not what I truly want.
• Strangely, I find that my anxiety is making me even more self-conscious. 

Self-observation on why I am not successful enough

• I imagine myself very differently inside than how my life is on the outside.
• I dream of becoming successful but it just doesn’t seem to happen. 
• I am continuously trying everything. Harder and harder. Sometimes I am trying to be smarter, more self-confident, and even tried to ‘believe the universe will help me’.
• It is a constant struggle. I just know instinctively that it should not be a never-ending battle and overwhelm. 
• There must be something that can change this situation. 
• When I think of my abilities, my self-confidence drops. 
• Still, it is not about my abilities. Many others have less in many areas and they are still more successful than me. 
• When I observe myself, I feel a great level of uneasiness. 
• This uneasiness comes from my desire to achieve.
• My mindset is that if I push it more, I will achieve what I want. 
• No, this is not the way. There must be a better way.
• I admit I don’t know what to do exactly.

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• Something is blocking me.
• I am not able to be myself.
• I am afraid to be myself. This is the block in me.
• I have low self-confidence and this is why reaching success is a struggle.
• No.
• Behind my low self-confidence is fear. Simple fear. Fear of losing my safety.
• The block is not my low self-confidence. That thought of myself that I have low self-confidence only happens as a result of my fear. The key is my fear.
• This is why I don’t ‘dare to jump’ and do what is needed for my success.
• And the way it works is that I block myself from being who I really am.
• I am not able to be that vibrant person who I want to be. 
• This fear is teaching me to see who I really am.
• This fear might even be more than that. I may be able to transform it into something that I miss now in myself.
• I will think about what I would like to transform my fear – my new friend – into.