The cause(s) of my depression
Depression is caused by a sense of loss. I define loss as something that I lost or something that I did not get but I find I should have.
The cause of my depression is mainly unconscious.
I find that this is because its roots are in childhood – they started happening in childhood. I could hardly get depressed at a more mature stage if I had not been hit by a sense of loss at a stage of my personal development at a very vulnerable state. Or from another point of view: I did not have the required level of consciousness (strong enough Self) to process my sadness and depression. Why does it matter? Because it can give a clue why it is so hard to process depression. (This article does not go into how depression forms.)
‘..something that I did not get but I should have.’
When I find that I should have gotten something but I didn’t, it will have the same effect as losing something. Many times it can be much harder to connect the dots in our solution-oriented world. It takes a higher level of abstraction and one example is when one understands that the cause is her depression is that she sees how unconscious and immature her family of origin may be.
If this resonates with you then go deeper into finding out what you are missing in your life and in the world around you. Here is a possible route for you: Why don’t I fit in the world around me?
Cause-and-effect examples
- Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
- Cause: His mother could not be there for him when he got into a state of distress and it happened many times (for example, she had to take care of his siblings, or had to go to work). He was not – at that age – at a level of maturity to be able to calm himself.
- Effect: His nervous system got into a state of shock numerous times and could not get out of it and as a result, this shock got imprinted in him and also manifested in physical illnesses. He also developed a sense of worthlessness that manifested in low self-esteem and he go into relationships where he can replay this sense of worthlessness.
- Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
- Cause: This person grew up in a shame-bound family. Her caretakers – instead of greeting her ‘need for greatness’, ridiculed her because they had problems with their own self-esteem.
- Effect: She developed shame.
Addictions and depression
Addictions are ways to cope with something painful in our life. Coping mechanisms, or tools if you will. At the time they formed they served their purpose.
Depression comes with continuous pain, many times very hard to find its roots, and usually, it starts to be with us from early childhood. Understandably many of us turn to some kind of coping mechanism. Some form of addiction.
Cause-and-effect examples
Here are the above examples complemented with the relationship to addictions.
- Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
- Cause: ..lack of mother’s availability..unable calm himself alone..
- Effect: …nervous system in a continuous state of shock, physical illnesses, sense of worthlessness, low self-esteem, toxic relationships.
- Addiction: He became dependent on his partner (and used her as a secure base), even if it is a toxic relationship, and became a chain smoker.
- Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
- Cause: Shame-bound family. Ridiculing, and other types of direct and indirect shaming practices.
- Effect: She developed shame.
- Addiction: She became a workaholic and a fitness maniac (in an effort to show her greatness), and later, her social drinking turned into alcoholism.
What to do?
- Know that it is a grief process (The root cause is depression and as such, a sense of loss.). And know that you need to go through it.
- You need to give up your addictions. Your grief process will hardly be able to finish if you don’t.
- Expect some level of pain (worsening of your depression) as you are grieving the things that you lost or did not get but wanted.
- If you have some serious addiction then seek professional help.
- Expect a kind of relief on the other side that you could not imagine.
What NOT to do
- Exit situations that you already identified that connect you to your depression. In other words: Remove yourself from old patterns as much as possible.
- Stop hoping that it will vanish by itself.
- Don’t judge yourself. Know that grief is hard.
- Don’t give up. Restart when you fail.
(As the subject is huge my only goal here is to give some food for thought, and I agree with anyone who would argue that there is a lot more to the above. )
