Where has my assertiveness gone?

“I realize I gave up my assertiveness for something else.” If this resonates with you, then this self-inquiry exercise may be valuable to you.

(While the below inner dialogue certainly may not be fully about you, it is real. It is not altered for a more pleasurable experience, only for readability. If you find it useful, then do your own self-reflection.)

Self-inquiry on where my assertiveness has disappeared

• This is what I see about myself as the first thing: I have tried so many times and never really gotten what I wanted.
• I have been assertive before. And I did get what I wanted. I remember now how I used to enjoy being wild and assertive. And how much it helped me achieve success.
• And then it was gone.
• I think I stopped being assertive because, as I was growing older, I realized what I got wasn’t really what I wanted. 
• I have given up. Let me just be and do the bare minimum. Wanting things isn’t for me.
• Honestly…I am just waiting for something or somebody to get me out of my misery. Genuinely pathetic.   

• Wait! There is something wrong here with my “genius” logic. 
• So actually, I have been assertive, and it did work. The reason I gave up is hardly my assertiveness’s fault. 
• I just didn’t want the right thing for me. So after all, those things like money, beautiful smiles, nice car aren’t the stuff that ultimately make me happy. I know that. For the last 15 years, roughly. That was when I finally decided to go all in to finding out who I really am.
• So actually, I have to conclude that a good thing happened to me: I stopped going for things that are not for me…
• Why don’t I like what I have concluded here? I have to admit that it is not how I feel. 
• When I think of my assertiveness, I see that I miss it. I would like to see it work. I would like to use it. 

• There is a key thing that recently came to me.
• (Having read Carl Jung comes in handy here. He made me realize that it is the opposites that make things be in balance.)
• I am a sensitive type by nature. I understand emotions and thought patterns, maybe a bit more than average. I am intuitive, and I value depth. Relationships and receptivity are very important to me.
• And now I am realizing I have overrated these at the expense of my assertiveness.
• I have done it on purpose. This has given me the idea of righteousness. The idea of being morally above the other – after all, I haven’t taken anything, I just have been empathic. And I see the other lies I have hidden behind. I will work on these later. This is getting too much now. 

• My assertiveness is part of me. That is my Animus. 
• I admit I have made it dormant.