Why am I lazy?

“My laziness is helping me to find my happiness.” If this resonates with you, this self-inquiry exercise may be valuable to you.

(While the below inner dialogue certainly may not be fully about you, it is real. It is not altered for a more pleasurable experience, only for readability. If you find it useful, then do your own self-reflection.)

Self-inquiry on why I am lazy

• I don’t want to be lazy. I hate being lazy. But I admit many times I don’t feel like doing anything.
• I enjoy relaxing, though. But they are not the same thing for me. Maybe a little bit.
• Here is one belief I have about my laziness: I am lazy because I shall get things without effort.
• This is my shadow: I am so much above the “swamp” that I should not go back and do dirty things again. Things should go smoothly.
• This is shame I realize. What is most important is that I don’t exactly know how I got to this insight.
• So in retrospect, it is easy to understand the connection between my laziness and shame: In reality, I don’t see myself as somebody so developed. Quite the contrary. I am pretty much a nobody sitting in the middle of the “swamp”. And I cannot face this reality. So I made up this fantasy about how mature I am. 
• I even have fantasies about past lives where I was “already above the swamp”; I also fantasize that one day people will understand me and acknowledge me for my greatness.
• Quite strangely, my laziness has been getting worse, since I have been sinking into some panic that I will never get ‘those big’ things that I think I am entitled to. I am running out of time.
• There is also something else here: I had to slow down to the level of a full stop for a while. I was overwhelmed and wasn’t feeling well.
• So I am not sure now what the real reason is behind my lazy, muted mode.
• This is one of those self-reflections where there is no direct insight.
• I want to be so clever and so right that I miss reaching what is important.
• There is no solution for me yet.
• The closest I can get is that I deeply believe that things that are for me should go smoothly.
• I feel that I should enjoy myself. This is an honest, positive feeling, not a cover story for my laziness. 
• I am lazy because I don’t feel like doing things. As easy as that.
• In other words, I should do things that are really for me. I am sure I will not be lazy doing them.
• When I think about how I would live when I truly enjoyed myself, I clearly see that I would not care about my laziness. I wouldn’t be lazy, nor would I care so much about what things I need to do. I would not care if I were sitting in the middle of the swamp or somewhere else. My enjoyment of living the life I want would wash away such stupid things such as laziness.
• Ok, so behind my laziness is my need to live a life that is truly for me. 
• It is a self-inflicted block. A defense mechanism? However strange it sounds, it does resonate with me for sure.
• (Looking back on my self inquiry, it is quite strange how much I was “off” at times. Even if I was as honest as I could be. I guess I wasn’t “off”, just this is how my mind works.)