"Deflecting compliments often protects an old agreement to stay small. The discomfort is the cost of starting to break it."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
Someone told me yesterday I did a great job on a presentation and I literally said “oh it was nothing, anyone could have done it.” Which is not true. I worked really hard on it.
Companion
So you knew, in the moment, that what you were saying wasn’t accurate.
Seeker
Yeah. It just came out. It always comes out. I can’t take a compliment without immediately discounting it or making a joke or pointing at someone else.
Companion
I do this too, honestly. Or used to, more. I’m curious what you think is happening when it comes out of your mouth.
Seeker
I think I’m just being humble? Or trying not to be one of those people who’s like, “yes, I am amazing, thank you for noticing.”
Companion
Mm. Okay. Can I push on that a little? Because the modest framing is the obvious one, and I’m not sure it’s the whole thing.
Seeker
Sure.
Companion
When you said “anyone could have done it” — did it feel like humility, or did it feel like getting out of something?
Seeker
…Getting out of something. Yeah. It felt like, get this off me.
Companion
Get what off?
Seeker
The attention, I guess. Or the implication. If I accept that I did a great job, then I’m someone who does great jobs. And that feels… I don’t know. Exposed.
Companion
Exposed is interesting. Not embarrassed, not arrogant — exposed.
Seeker
Like I’ve stepped out of line. Like I’m being looked at and now they’ll keep looking and they’ll see I’m not actually that good and it’ll be worse than if I’d just stayed quiet.
Companion
Okay. That’s a different story than humility.
Seeker
Yeah it is.
Companion
I want to ask something that might be off. When you imagine fully accepting the compliment — just saying “thank you, I worked hard on that, I’m proud of it” — who in your life would not like that version of you?
Seeker
God. My mom. Immediately. My sister. Probably half my friends honestly.
Companion
Half your friends.
Seeker
There’s a way you’re supposed to be in my family. You don’t think you’re special. You don’t act like you think you’re special. If you do, someone takes you down a peg pretty fast.
Companion
So the deflection is doing a job.
Seeker
It’s keeping me in the club.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
But here’s the thing that’s weird. I’m also so tired of being underestimated. Like at work I get passed over and I get furious about it. I want people to see what I’m doing. And then someone sees it and I push them away.
Companion
There it is.
Seeker
That’s kind of insane, isn’t it?
Companion
I don’t think it’s insane. I think you’re holding two things that can’t both be true at the same time and you’ve been managing them by keeping one of them invisible.
Seeker
I want to be seen. And I’m not allowed to want that.
Companion
Something like that.
Seeker
I don’t know what to do with that.
Companion
You don’t have to do anything with it yet.
Seeker
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Whose disapproval are you avoiding each time you deflect being seen clearly?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.