"The pull isn't the person. It's the relief that comes after the pain they cause, and the version of you that has been built to chase it."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I did it again. I said I was done, I blocked him, I lasted four days, and then I unblocked him and now we’re talking like nothing happened. I feel pathetic.
Companion
Pathetic is a strong word for something a lot of people do. What happened on day four?
Seeker
Nothing happened. That’s the thing. I was fine. I was actually fine. And then I just couldn’t stand being fine anymore.
Companion
Wait. Say that again.
Seeker
I couldn’t stand being fine. It felt wrong. Like the quiet was worse than the chaos.
Companion
Hm. Okay. I want to sit with that for a second because I don’t think you said what you came in to say.
Seeker
I came in to say I’m weak.
Companion
Yeah, you led with that. But “I couldn’t stand being fine” is a different sentence.
Seeker
It’s the same thing. I went back because I’m weak.
Companion
Maybe. I don’t know you well enough to argue. But when I’ve been in something like this, the story I told myself was “I love him too much to leave.” The truer thing was something else, and it took me a long time to see it.
Seeker
What was the truer thing?
Companion
That I didn’t miss him. I missed the part right after the fight, when he came back and was warm again. I was chasing the warm-after, not the warm.
Seeker
…
Companion
I could be off. That might not be your thing.
Seeker
No. That’s. Yeah. The best moments with him are after the worst ones. I’ve never said that out loud.
Companion
What’s it like to say it?
Seeker
Gross. It makes the whole thing smaller. Like it’s not even about him.
Companion
Smaller how?
Seeker
Like I built this huge story about us and how complicated and rare it is, and if I take that out, it’s just me waiting for someone to stop hurting me so I can feel relieved and call it love.
Companion
That’s a hard sentence.
Seeker
I don’t want it to be true.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
If that’s what it is, then who am I when I’m not doing that. I’ve been doing that since I was a kid with my dad. Waiting for him to come back in a good mood. Reading the room. Catching the moment when it turned.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
So leaving isn’t just leaving him.
Companion
No.
Seeker
It’s not knowing what to do with myself when no one is about to hurt me.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
That’s why day four felt wrong. There was nothing to brace for.
Companion
I don’t have anything to add to that.
Seeker
I’m not going to do anything with this tonight. I’m just going to sit here.
Companion
Okay.
Seeker
Yeah.
If the relief that comes after the pain is the part you're actually attached to, what would you have to feel without it?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.