"Sometimes going away is not a failure to stay; it is something that learned to protect you faster than you can choose."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
SeekerWhen things get emotional I just check out. My girlfriend calls it dissociating. I think she’s right, I go numb and I’m not really there. I don’t know why I’m broken like this.
GuideI want to slow down before the word “broken.” You said you go numb and you’re not really there. Can you think of one recent time it happened, what was going on right before?
SeekerLast week. We were arguing about something, money I think, and her voice got louder. And then it’s like the sound went far away. I could see her mouth moving. I kind of nodded but I was gone.
GuideThe sound went far away. Do you remember the moment it started, or did you only notice you were gone once you were already there?
SeekerI only noticed after. That’s the thing. There’s no decision. One second I’m in it and then I’m just… not.
GuideSo it’s already happened by the time you catch it. That’s worth sitting with. It sounds fast, faster than choosing.
SeekerYeah. Really fast. I’ve tried to talk myself through it in the moment and it doesn’t work, I’m already out.
GuideLet me try something, and tell me if it’s wrong. I wondered if the going-away might be a way of handling her, like a wall that goes up when she gets loud.
SeekerNo, it’s not really about her. It happens when I’m alone too. If I let myself think about certain stuff I go the same way. It’s not a wall I put up at her, it just happens.
GuideOkay, I’ll drop that. Thank you, that helps. It happens alone too, and it happens fast, and you don’t choose it. That’s a different kind of thing than I first guessed.
SeekerI just wish I could stay present like a normal person. Everyone else can sit in a hard conversation.
GuideI hear that wish. Can I say the plain thing though. What you’re describing, the going-away that’s already done before you can catch it, that sounds less like something you’re failing to do and more like something that switches on to protect you when it gets to be too much.
SeekerProtect me. Huh. I always figured it meant I didn’t care enough.
GuideYou went to “I don’t care enough” pretty quick just now. That’s the explanation. The thing you actually noticed was different, it was that the sound went far away and you weren’t there. Those aren’t the same.
SeekerNo. They’re not. I stapled the caring thing on top. It felt more like… I don’t know. I go somewhere safer. That sounds stupid.
GuideIt doesn’t. Stay with “somewhere safer” if it’s true, you don’t have to explain it to me. This isn’t the kind of thing you think your way out of, and I don’t want you white-knuckling through a hard talk to prove something. This is the sort of thing worth bringing to someone who works with the body, who can help you find your way back slowly. That’s not you being broken, that’s the right room for it.
SeekerI’ve never thought of it as protecting anything. I always just hated it.
GuideYou don’t have to sort that out tonight. If you wanted one small thing, and only if it feels okay, you could just notice next time when the sound starts going far away. Not stop it. Just notice the edge of it.
SeekerJust notice. I could probably do that. Not fix it, just catch where it starts.
GuideThat’s all. And be gentle if you can’t catch it in time. It’s been quicker than you for a long while.
The next time things get intense, without trying to stop anything, can you notice the very edge where the going-away begins, the first small sign that you're starting to leave?
What actually shiftedGoing blank when emotions rise is often a protective response that engages on its own, faster than any choice, sometimes long before the mind catches up. It may not be a failure to stay present or a sign of not caring. For many, this kind of going-away eases best with support from someone who works gently with the body.
Keeping the direction yoursIf you read back the conversation: notice where the guide quietly became the one who knows — naming things, settling them. That feels normal because it happens so often. It's also where your own sense of direction can go quiet. SelfChatter adds a second voice that just makes those moments visible, so the direction stays yours.