"You may not be ashamed of who you are. You may have decided, long ago, that who you are is the unfinished version, and that you are not allowed out until the work is done."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’ve traced the shame all the way back. Critical mother, performance equals love, the whole thing. I understand it completely. And I still walk around feeling like there’s something wrong with me at the root.
Companion
You understand it completely and it hasn’t moved an inch.
Seeker
Right. Which is its own kind of maddening. I did the work. I should be past this.
Companion
That’s a clean map. Mother, performance, love. I believe all of it. I notice it didn’t touch the thing you actually came in with.
Seeker
Because knowing where it comes from isn’t the same as not feeling it.
Companion
No. So put the map down for a second. When you say there’s something wrong with you at the root, what’s the actual feeling in the body? Not the explanation. The thing.
Seeker
A kind of… bracing. Like I have to keep myself acceptable or I’ll be found out.
Companion
Found out as what?
Seeker
As the version of me that hasn’t been fixed yet. The one underneath all this.
Companion
Say more about that one. The unfixed one.
Seeker
He’s just… raw. Too much and not enough at the same time. He’s the one I’ve spent fifteen years working on.
Companion
Fifteen years working on him so that one day he’d be allowed out.
Seeker
Yes. That’s the deal. I get to be myself once I’m not ashamed of myself anymore.
Companion
Okay. Here’s a guess, and you can throw it out. When you said “allowed out,” something in me went still. Like the fixing isn’t on the way to being free of the shame. Like the fixing is the shame, wearing a more respectable coat.
Seeker
No. The fixing is how I get there.
Companion
Maybe. Or the door’s been open the whole time and the work is what you do instead of walking through it. I genuinely don’t know which. You would.
Seeker
I don’t like that.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
Because if the door’s been open, then fifteen years of… I don’t even want to finish that sentence.
Companion
Don’t. You don’t have to.
Seeker
It can’t be open. He’s not ready. He’s still ashamed.
Companion
And he gets to come out when he’s not ashamed. But the shame is the rule that says he can’t come out. So.
Seeker
So he never comes out.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
That’s… I feel that in my chest. Heavy. I don’t have a counter for it.
Companion
You don’t need one. Just notice you’re still standing here and standing in it.
If the version of you that hasn't been fixed yet were allowed to live exactly as he is today, what would he do first, before you talked yourself out of it?
The question doesn't need solving now. If you want to keep it company, SelfChatter is where you can.