"Jealousy is rarely about the other person. It's a pointer back to a want you haven't given yourself permission to admit you have."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep getting jealous of people. My friend got engaged last month and I smiled and hugged her and then went home and felt sick about it for two days. I hate that I’m like this.
Companion
What was the sick part made of, if you had to break it down?
Seeker
I don’t know. Bitterness. Like, why her and not me. Which is gross. I love her.
Companion
Both can be true. The love and the bitterness. They’re not cancelling each other out in there, they’re just sitting next to each other.
Seeker
Okay but I don’t want to be a person who feels bitter when their friend is happy. That’s small.
Companion
Yeah, I hear that. I think I’d want to skip past it too. Can I push on something though? You called it bitterness pretty fast. I’m not sure that’s the whole thing.
Seeker
What else would it be?
Companion
Wanting, maybe. Bitterness is what wanting looks like after you’ve told it it’s not allowed.
Seeker
…
Seeker
I don’t want to get married though. Like genuinely. I’ve thought about it. It’s not the thing.
Companion
Okay. So not the marriage. What was she holding when you hugged her that you noticed you weren’t holding?
Seeker
Someone choosing her. Publicly. Like, on purpose.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
That’s embarrassing to say out loud.
Companion
Why?
Seeker
Because I’ve spent ten years building a whole identity around not needing that. Independent. Self-contained. The friend who’s fine.
Companion
And the fine one isn’t allowed to want to be chosen.
Seeker
No. Because if I want it and don’t have it, then what was the whole independence thing even for.
Companion
That’s a real bind. I don’t have a clean answer for it.
Seeker
I don’t either.
Companion
Can I say what I’m noticing? You came in calling yourself jealous and small. But what you actually said a minute ago was that you want to be chosen on purpose by someone. Those are pretty different sentences.
Seeker
Yeah.
Seeker
One of them I can say. The other one I’ve apparently been hiding from myself by getting mad at my friends instead.
Companion
That’s a hell of a sentence.
Seeker
It’s tiring. I don’t know what to do with it.
Companion
I don’t think there’s something to do with it tonight. You just took it out of the place it was hiding.
Seeker
Yeah.
Seeker
I’m going to be jealous again. Probably this week.
Companion
Probably. Maybe next time you’ll know what it’s pointing at a little faster.
Seeker
Maybe. We’ll see.
What does your jealousy keep pointing at that you haven't given yourself permission to want out loud?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.