"A life can fit you completely and then stop fitting, without anything having gone wrong. The discomfort of a container getting smaller is not a verdict on the container."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep having this thought I can’t shake. That I’ve outgrown my life. My job, my friends, the city, all of it. And I feel like an asshole for even thinking it.
Companion
Why an asshole?
Seeker
Because it’s a good life. Objectively. I have things people want. And here I am, vaguely bored with all of it.
Companion
Bored is the word you went with?
Seeker
I don’t know. Not bored exactly. More like… I’m wearing clothes that don’t fit anymore. Nothing’s wrong with the clothes.
Companion
That’s a different image than bored.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
Okay, I’ll be honest, when people say “I’ve outgrown my life” I usually hear two things at once. One is real. The other is a story they’re telling to give themselves permission to blow something up. I don’t know which one this is yet.
Seeker
That’s annoying because I’ve thought the same thing about myself.
Companion
Which way does it tip when you check?
Seeker
Some days one, some days the other. That’s part of why I can’t move. If I knew it was real I’d do something. If I knew it was a story I’d let it go.
Companion
What if it’s both.
Seeker
Then I’m stuck.
Companion
Or you’re at the part where you don’t get to know yet.
Seeker
I hate that part.
Companion
Yeah. Tell me about the clothes that don’t fit. What’s the actual moment in a normal day when you notice it?
Seeker
Meetings, mostly. I’ll be in a meeting and I’ll hear myself talking, and it’s like watching someone else do a job I used to care about. I’m good at it. I just don’t recognize the person doing it.
Companion
And outside work?
Seeker
Dinner with friends last week. Everyone was talking about the same things they were talking about three years ago. I love these people. But I felt like I was visiting from somewhere else.
Companion
Did you say anything?
Seeker
No. I laughed in the right places.
Companion
Hm.
Seeker
What.
Companion
I’m not sure yet. Something about “laughed in the right places.” Say more about that if you can.
Seeker
I felt like I was performing being the version of me they know. And I was tired afterward. Like I’d been at work.
Companion
Okay. So here’s what I’m noticing, and you can push back. You started this saying you’ve outgrown your life. But what you’re actually describing is more like, the life still works, you still know how to do it, and doing it is starting to cost you something it didn’t used to cost.
Seeker
That’s not the same as outgrowing it?
Companion
I think it might be. I’m just not sure “outgrown” is the right word, because outgrown sounds like you’re done with it. What you’re saying sounds more like it still fits you in some way, and it doesn’t fit you in another way, and both are happening.
Seeker
That’s worse, actually. If I’d just outgrown it I could leave.
Companion
Right.
Seeker
So I’m supposed to what, stay in a life that half-fits?
Companion
I didn’t say that. I think you’re already not in it, half the time. You said you felt like you were visiting.
Seeker
…Yeah.
Companion
I don’t know what you should do. I do notice you keep trying to make it a verdict. Either the life is wrong or you’re wrong. And maybe neither.
Seeker
Then what is it?
Companion
Maybe just, you changed. And the life didn’t. And that’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just the thing that’s actually happening.
Seeker
That sounds simple when you say it.
Companion
It doesn’t feel simple though.
Seeker
No. Because if I let myself just say “I changed,” then I have to actually figure out what that means. And it would be easier if someone was wrong.
Companion
Yeah. The wrongness is doing some work for you.
Seeker
It’s giving me something to argue with.
Companion
Instead of?
Seeker
Instead of just sitting here being a person who doesn’t fit her life anymore. God, that sounds dramatic.
Companion
It sounds tired.
Seeker
I am tired.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t want to burn it down. I also can’t pretend nothing’s happening.
Companion
Both of those can be true at the same time. You don’t have to pick today.
Seeker
I keep waiting for it to resolve into something I know what to do with.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
Okay.
Where in your life are you treating a change in yourself as if it were a verdict on someone or something else?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.