"Restlessness with nothing appealing is often not the absence of desire but the death of old desires before new ones have shown up. The interval between is the hardest part to sit in."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’ve been restless for weeks. Can’t settle. But when I try to think of what I actually want to do, nothing sounds good. Movies, friends, projects, food. Nothing.
Companion
Yeah, I know that flavor. It’s a weird one because the engine is running but there’s no gear that catches.
Seeker
That’s exactly it. I’ll open my laptop, close it. Pick up a book, put it down. It’s not depression. I have energy. It just has nowhere to go.
Companion
Can I ask something maybe annoying? When you scan the list of things, are you scanning things you used to want, or things you want now?
Seeker
What’s the difference?
Companion
I don’t know yet. I’m guessing. But sometimes when I’m restless and nothing appeals, I notice I’m only checking the old menu. The stuff that used to work.
Seeker
Okay but that’s the only menu I have. What else am I supposed to check?
Companion
Fair. I don’t have a clean answer to that.
Seeker
I keep thinking something’s wrong with me. Like the part that wants things is broken.
Companion
Mhm.
Seeker
Because I can remember wanting things. Really wanting them. A year ago I would’ve killed to have a free Saturday. Now I have one and I just pace.
Companion
What did you want a year ago, on those Saturdays you couldn’t have?
Seeker
Honestly? To not be working. To have space. To read. To do nothing.
Companion
And now you have it.
Seeker
And now I have it and I hate it.
Companion
Huh.
Seeker
…okay that’s strange. The thing I wanted, I got, and it doesn’t do anything for me.
Companion
Does that mean you didn’t really want it, or that you wanted it then and don’t now?
Seeker
I think I wanted it then. It was real. I was exhausted and I wanted rest.
Companion
So the want was accurate to who you were then.
Seeker
Yeah.
Seeker
And now I’m someone else and I’m using her wants.
Companion
That’s your sentence, not mine. I wouldn’t have put it that cleanly.
Seeker
But it’s true though. I keep going down the list of what she wanted and being confused that none of it lands. Of course it doesn’t land. She’s not here.
Companion
And the new one?
Seeker
I don’t know what she wants. I don’t think she’s finished yet.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
So the restlessness is just… waiting?
Companion
Maybe. It sounds logical. Or it’s the part of you that already knows the old wants are dead, trying to get your attention.
Seeker
That’s worse actually. Because then I can’t just push through it. I have to sit here with nothing.
Companion
Yeah. That part is real.
Seeker
I don’t like this.
Companion
I understand that.
Seeker
I think I’d rather it be depression. At least depression has a name.
Companion
Mhm.
Seeker
…okay. I’ll sit with it. I don’t know what else to do.
Which of the things you keep reaching for are things you actually want now, and which ones belong to a version of you that's already gone?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.