"The insecurity might not be about not being good enough — it might be the feeling of living as someone you're not."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I just feel so insecure all the time. Like everyone else knows what they’re doing and I’m just… pretending.
Companion
Tell me about the pretending part.
Seeker
I mean, I do my job well. People like me. But I always feel like I’m about to be found out. Like if they really knew me…
Companion
If they really knew you, what?
Seeker
I don’t know. That’s the thing. I don’t even know what I’m hiding. I just know I’m constantly managing how I come across.
Companion
You’re describing a lot of performing. What happens when you’re not performing?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
I mean if you imagined not performing.
Seeker
Ah. I don’t know. I have a hard time imaging it. I honestly don’t know who I would be if I were not trying to be something for someone.
Companion
When did this start?
Seeker
I want to say work, but no. It’s always been like this. At least since I remember. My mom used to say I was “such a good helper.” I got really good at being what people needed.
Companion
And the parts of you that weren’t helpful or funny?
Seeker
?? They would be strange parts of me. Like when I was angry or scared or just wanted to do nothing. I’d say they just weren’t options.
Companion
So those parts of you — where did they go?
Seeker
I literally don’t know. It’s like they’re just not there. But that’s not right either because sometimes I feel them trying to come out and I panic.
Companion
You panic when your actual feelings try to surface?
Seeker
Yes. Because what if people see? What if I’m not who they think I am?
Companion
“What if I’m not who they think I am?”
Seeker
That’s exactly it, isn’t it? I’m not who they think I am. I’m not who I think I am either.
Companion
Sounds very clever.
Seeker
You mean artificial.
Companion
Go on.
Seeker
I am lying. Sorry. I am not being real.
Companion
The performing self can never feel secure.
Seeker
Because it’s not actually me, right? How could I feel secure if I am not connected to my own self? No wonder I feel like a fraud. I am one. Not in the way I thought. I’ve been frauding myself.
Companion
And now? I don’t know. I feel sick. And kind of angry? Not exactly clever.
Who were you before you learned which parts of you were acceptable?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.