"I tell myself I'm leaving because the job is wrong. But I leave at the same moment every time. Right when staying would start to mean something."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I did it again. Put in my notice last week. Fifth job in four years.
Companion
What was the reason this time?
Seeker
My manager was a micromanager. The culture was off. I could see where it was going.
Companion
And the one before that?
Seeker
Different stuff. Too corporate. I wasn’t learning.
Companion
Different reasons, same outcome. I’m curious about the timing. When does the urge to leave usually show up?
Seeker
I don’t know. When things get bad?
Companion
Think about the last one specifically. What was happening the week you first thought about quitting?
Seeker
Um. They’d just put me on a bigger project. I was going to lead a team.
Companion
And the one before?
Seeker
…I’d just been told I was getting promoted.
Seeker
Okay but that doesn’t mean anything. Promotions come with more BS. It’s reasonable to want out.
Companion
Maybe. But there’s a pattern where the exit starts the moment someone starts counting on you.
Seeker
That’s a stretch. I’m not afraid of responsibility.
Companion
I didn’t say afraid. I said the moment someone starts counting on you.
Seeker
…It’s not the same. Being counted on at work is just normal work stuff.
Companion
What does it feel like in the moment? When your manager says “I need you on this, we’re depending on you.”
Seeker
Honestly? Like something closes in. Like I can already feel myself disappearing into it.
Companion
Disappearing into it.
Seeker
Yes. Like once they have me, they have me. And I’ll have to be whatever they need.
Companion
Who else in your life needed you to be whatever they needed?
Seeker
That’s a different thing.
Companion
Is it?
Seeker
My mom was. A lot. If I wasn’t who she needed me to be on a given day it was a whole thing. I learned to read her really fast.
Companion
And leaving? Was that ever an option?
Seeker
No. You couldn’t leave her. You could just get smaller until she didn’t notice you.
Companion
So now you can leave.
Seeker
I can leave, yes. Ah, ok. I’m not quitting jobs. I’m quitting the feeling of being claimed.
Companion
And what happens to the actual work you wanted to do?
Seeker
I never get to it. I leave before it starts mattering.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
That’s depressing. I thought I was being discerning this whole time. I thought I had high standards.
Companion
What were you actually doing?
Seeker
Running. Before anyone could have me.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what to do with that.
Companion
You don’t have to do anything with it yet. Just notice it’s there the next time someone tells you they’re counting on you.
Think about the last time you wanted to leave something. A job, a relationship, a commitment. What had just started to feel like it could hold you?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.