"Sometimes we're not protecting ourselves from other people. We're protecting ourselves from an old fear that closeness means we'll disappear."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I don’t know why I do it. Things will be going well with someone, we’re getting closer, and then I just… create distance. Pick fights. Stop texting back. Find reasons they’re wrong for me.
Companion
Yeah, I know that move. The closer they get, the more urgent it feels to push them back?
Seeker
Exactly. It’s like this alarm goes off. But the thing is, I want connection. I really do. I’m lonely a lot of the time.
Companion
So you want it and you run from it.
Seeker
I guess. I mean, I tell myself I just haven’t found the right person yet. Or that I value my independence. Which I do.
Companion
Sure. Independence matters. But is that really what’s happening when you push them away? Like, are you actually choosing your independence in those moments?
Seeker
No. It doesn’t feel like choosing. It feels like… I don’t know. Like if I don’t create space right then, something bad will happen.
Companion
What kind of bad?
Seeker
I can’t explain it. It’s not logical. It’s just this feeling that if they get any closer, I’ll… I don’t know.
Companion
When I’ve felt that, it’s been like if they get too close, I’ll lose something. Like I’ll stop being me somehow.
Seeker
Yes. That’s it. Like I’ll disappear or something. God, that sounds so dramatic when I say it out loud.
Companion
Does it happen with everyone who gets close? Or certain types of people?
Seeker
The ones who really see me. The ones where it could actually be something real. With casual friends, it’s fine. But the moment someone really knows me, wants to be close to me… that’s when I panic.
Companion
So the very thing you want – to be known, to have real connection – is also the thing that sets off the alarm.
Seeker
Fuck. Yeah. That’s exactly it. How does that make any sense?
Companion
I mean, it makes total sense if somewhere along the way, being really seen or really close meant something went wrong. Like maybe closeness came with strings attached, or… I don’t know your history.
Seeker
My mom was… a lot. Very involved. No boundaries. When she paid attention to me, it was like being consumed. And when she didn’t, it was like I didn’t exist at all.
Companion
Oh. So closeness meant either being swallowed up or being dropped.
Seeker
I never thought about it that way. But yeah. There was no middle ground. No way to be close and still be myself.
Companion
And now when someone gets close, that old alarm still goes off. Even though they’re not your mom. Even though you’re not a kid anymore.
Seeker
But I know that. I know they’re not her. I know I’m an adult. Why does my body not know that?
Companion
Bodies hold onto old survival strategies pretty tight. If pushing people away kept you from being swallowed up back then, some part of you still thinks it’s keeping you safe now.
Seeker
Safe from what though? The people I push away they’re not trying to consume me. They just want to love me.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I’m so tired of this pattern. I’m tired of being alone because I’m scared of something that isn’t even happening.
Companion
It’s exhausting, protecting yourself from ghosts.
Seeker
It really is.
What would it be like to let someone close without having to disappear?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.