"Sometimes we give compulsively what we're secretly hoping someone will give us. The rescuer is often the one waiting to be rescued."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’m exhausted. I feel everyone’s problems and I cannot not help. I can’t say no. It’s like I’m running a 24/7 crisis hotline.
Companion
What happens when you imagine saying no?
Seeker
I can try to imagine that, but it will just be my imagination. What I feel in reality is that they need me. If I don’t help, who will?
Companion
That’s interesting – “who will?” Do you remember the last time anyone asked that about you?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
Who came the last time when you needed help? Or when you needed help as a child, who came?
Seeker
That’s a good question. I don’t remember really needing help. I shape my life so I don’t need help. When I was a child, I don’t remember needing help either. I was the one who helped. My mom was depressed, my dad worked all the time. Someone had to keep things together.
Companion
How old were you when you became the helper?
Seeker
Ten maybe. Old enough to know what the problem was and what needs to be done. I was good at it. I knew how to make mom and dad smile.
Companion
So at ten, you were managing adult emotions. What happened to the ten-year-old who might have needed managing?
Seeker
I don’t know what you’re asking.
Companion
You became very good at rescuing others. I’m curious what you needed rescuing from.
Seeker
Nothing. I was fine. I am fine. I feel like we’re changing subject. This isn’t about me being broken or something.
Companion
I didn’t say broken. But you did just shift from past to present – “I was fine, I am fine.” Like you’re still proving something.
Seeker
I know how to handle things. That’s who I am.
Companion
Who you are, or who you had to become?
Seeker
Does it matter? This is my life now. People need me.
Companion
What do you need?
Seeker
That’s not how I think!
Companion
I noticed. You know exactly what everyone else needs. But when I ask about you, you disappear.
Seeker
Because it’s not about me. There’s actual suffering out there.
Companion
And in here? Is there suffering in here too?
Seeker
I cannot stop helping.
Companion
Why? What happens?
Seeker
Nothing. Nothing happens. No one comes.
Companion
Ah.
Seeker
What?
Companion
You just told me what the ten-year-old learned. If you’re not the rescuer, no one comes.
Seeker
If I am not the rescuer, no one comes? I mean, that was then.
Companion
And now you run a 24/7 crisis hotline. Still hoping?
Seeker
Hoping for what?
Companion
You tell me. What would it mean if someone finally came for you?
Seeker
I don’t need anyone. I’m not waiting for rescuing if that is what you mean.
Companion
Every time you rescue someone else, what are you actually doing?
Seeker
Giving them what they need.
Companion
Go on.
Seeker
Ok, I admit it is also in it that I want to feel better too. I don’t feel well now.
Companion
And so you keep giving.
Seeker
Because maybe if I give enough… That’s completely insane.
Companion
Is it? Or is it a ten-year-old’s logic that never got updated?
Seeker
I don’t know how to stop.
Companion
What if stopping isn’t the first step? What if the first step is just seeing it – that the rescuer is actually the one waiting to be rescued?
Seeker
Then what? I just sit with that?
Companion
What else is there to do with the truth?
Seeker
I hate this. I really hate this.
Who would you be if you weren't the person scanning everyone where they need help?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.