"The cage is doing something for you. Until you see what, freedom will keep looking like a threat."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep saying I want out. Out of the job, mostly. But every time I get close to actually doing something about it, I freeze. And then I feel relieved that I froze. What is that.
Companion
Relieved is interesting. Not just scared. Relieved.
Seeker
Yeah. Like, “oh good, I don’t have to.”
Companion
I’ve bumped into this in myself. There’s a version where the thing I say is trapping me is also kind of holding me. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on for you.
Seeker
Maybe. But the job is genuinely bad. I’m not romanticizing it.
Companion
Okay. I believe you.
Seeker
It’s draining, it’s pointless, I’ve outgrown it. All of that is true.
Companion
I’m not arguing with any of that. I’m just noticing the relief part. The bad job and the relief can both be real.
Seeker
Fine. What about the relief.
Companion
What does the relief sound like, if you slow it down? Like, what’s the sentence underneath “oh good, I don’t have to.”
Seeker
I guess. “I don’t have to figure out what I actually want.”
Companion
Hm.
Seeker
That’s annoying to say out loud.
Companion
Say more about the annoying part.
Seeker
Because it makes it sound like I’m choosing this. And I’m not. I hate this job.
Companion
Both could be true. You hate the job, and you’re using it.
Seeker
Using it for what?
Companion
I don’t know. You’d know better than me. But something like, as long as the job is the problem, you don’t have to be the problem.
Seeker
That’s a little neat.
Companion
Yeah, fair. Push back on it.
Seeker
It’s not that I don’t want to be the problem. It’s more that… if I leave, then whatever I do next is on me. Right now, my life looks like this because of the job. If there’s no job, my life just looks like this because of me.
Companion
Okay. That’s different from what I said. That’s sharper.
Seeker
It’s the same thing but it’s mine.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
So the job is kind of taking the fall.
Companion
For what, though?
Seeker
For me not knowing what I want. Or not trusting that I’d pick anything better. If I’m free and I still end up unhappy, then it was me the whole time.
Companion
That’s a heavier sentence than the one about the bad job.
Seeker
Yeah. The bad job is a lighter problem to have.
Companion
…Yes.
Seeker
Huh.
Companion
What.
Seeker
I came in here thinking freedom was scary because it’s unknown. But it’s not the unknown. I know roughly what I’d do. It’s that I’d be the one who picked it.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
That’s a different thing.
Companion
It is.
Seeker
I don’t really know what to do with that.
Companion
You don’t have to do anything with it tonight.
Seeker
Okay.
What would you have to take responsibility for if the thing you blame stopped being available to blame?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.